Thursday, December 6, 2007

Difficult Day Today

10 years ago today, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandma passed away and her death devastated me. I continue to feel the ache in my heart, even to this day. 9 months later, my heart broke again when my grandpa, her husband of 50 years, followed her in death.

I miss them a lot. Sometimes so much that I can hardly breath.

This is particularly hard in the light of our infertility because I'd always dreamed of giving our first daughter my grandma's middle name, and I'd even hoped that she might even have Grandma's smile. I dreamed of telling my daughter all about her great grandma and passing on our family recipes that I remember making with my grandparents as a child. Now it's very possible that I will never have that, and I feel like I'm losing my grandma all over again. I feel that both my grandma and my hope of my daughter are slipping away from my grasp and I want to cling so tightly.

I'd appreciate your prayers today. I'm trying to not indulge my grief too much because I don't have the emotional currency to spend. Too much dwelling on my sadness will send me back over the edge and to be honest, I'm afraid of that place. I'm doing ok right now, but only because I refuse to think about it for too long. So, if you think of me today, I'd appreciate your prayers.

Wasn't she beautiful?

And this is the last picture we ever have of them. It was taken at the party for their 50th Wedding Anniversary. Grandma was in the hospital so they let us have the party in the rehab room. Grandma died exactly 2 weeks later.

I wish you all could have known them. I think the only one of you, dear readers, who could have met them is Angie and I'm not sure if you would remember them or not. But somehow, knowing I still have a friend today who I knew then is comforting to me--almost like a connection to that time when I had them. So hi Angie. Thanks for being my friend. Would that we were back in Newbury Park 10 years and 1 day ago, even for a moment!

I hope you all are well today.