Showing posts with label Embryo Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Embryo Adoption. Show all posts

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A Long Awaited Announcement!

We have finally received the news that we have hoped for for almost 5 years. What a precious never-before-seen sight for our sore eyes.


We received this Monday night, just one week post-transfer.

I wanted to come and post here right away but we just finished this morning telling our immediate friends and family by phone and visit. We're over the moon.

We had our first beta draw this morning. The doctor just called a little while ago and said that the number was 117. He actually said that's "very pregnant." We had a little scare today too but he is confident it's nothing. He did tell me to rest the rest of the day but he's sure everything is fine. We have another beta on Monday. I am eager to see what that will be!

We're over the moon. We're overwhelmed. We're excited. We're humbled. We're grateful. We're....so many things that I can't even put in to words right now. We know these precious little ones belong to the God who created them and we are just so thankful that He has allowed us to be their parents. Words can't describe the depths of our gratitude and praise.

We'll know sometime around Christmas or just after if it's one baby or two. Right now the estimated due date is July 21. It could change-we'll know more once we get to Ultrasounds.

Thank you for rejoicing with us!

And without further ado, the ticker. Don't ask me why it says I'm more pregnant than the babies are old. Apparently they calculate all pregnancies this way-starting from the last period, which is actually before conception. It makes no sense to me. But this countdown does take us to the right due date.

pregnant

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Cat's Out of the Bag!

This has been a LONG couple of days. And this is going to be one of those "good news, bad news" kind of posts.

The bad news is that DH had a severe reaction to a medication last night that made him so violently ill that we finally decided that an Emergency Room visit was in order. They pumped his stomach to get the medication out but the tubes were also pulling up blood. They did a CT scan and an ultrasound to check for internal damages and when they couldn't find a cause, they decided to admit him. As of this afternoon they decided that the most likely cause of the continued bleeding was some tearing in his esophagus so when he was able to make it through a fluid breakfast and solid lunch without further incident, they released him. We got home around 4:00 this afternoon, with an appointment scheduled with our regular doctor tomorrow morning. He's very tired and sore, but otherwise seems to be ok. I wasn't completely satisfied with the hospital though so I'll be glad when we talk to our Primary Care Physician.

The good news is that I was unable to go with Todd to the emergency room or be at the hospital until this afternoon. My sweet brother came over and picked him up and took him last night and stayed all night with him. Attempts to cryptically (but honestly!) explain/excuse to family why I couldn't be at DH's side failed so we decided to tell and the cat is now out of the bag. We had our first Snowflakes Transfer yesterday morning. Doctor ordered bed rest for a minimum of 24 hours following the transfer (standard procedure) so when DH got sick at just shy of 12 hours into that 24 hours, there wasn't much I could do to help except lay on the bed and communicate with my brother by phone.

We thawed two embryos. Both survived the thaw and we transferred both. The Embryologist said the embryos looked good and so far as we could understand, everything went as planned. We're very excited, though DH's illness rather overshadowed things and our strongest feeling right now is just exhaustion!

Here is the babies' first picture. The one attachment shows two separate photos. Each photo shows one embryo. The part clustered in the middle is what will become the baby (God willing) and the ring around the outside is what will become the Placenta. The "bumpy" mass in the middle represents how these tiny little ones already have innumerable cells. In younger embryos you would be able to see each cell individually but these have grown so much with so many cells that they're all smushed together and inseparable. The photos were taken right after they were thawed so the inner cells were still shriveled up like raisins. They eventually did expand and fill up the whole "ring." These photos were taken with the Embryos under significant magnification. Right now they are still small enough to be all but invisible to the naked eye.


And since the cat is now out of the bag I can post about our last few days.

We spent most of last week and weekend relaxing. The doctor basically told me last week to rest as much as I could, eat right, and do whatever I could to get to a state of relaxation. So I enjoyed some pampering. I had a few chiropractor visits. I had my hair cut and colored (to get all the highlights out so they don't grow out and look weird by the end of pregnancy!), and took lots of naps! It was a nice, peaceful week. We did work on the house some but DH ended up getting sick (just a regular cold--before all this hospital stuff) and so things got put on hold on Saturday so we could both rest--hoping he would get better and praying I didn't get whatever it was (and so far I still haven't, thank God!)

Sunday afternoon I had a light massage. Sunday night we had dinner with my dad, who had just arrived to town to MOVE HERE =) and my brother and his girlfriend. Then we got gussied up and went to the Melting Pot for dessert-my favorite! We had a lovely, romantic evening.



Trying to take a picture with the Fondu pot


Better! Thank you waiter-dear (bonus points if you get the reference!)


Then we picked up the dogs and went to my brother's house (where my dad is staying) and hung out. We came home Sunday night and just snuggled and watched movies. We opened the Pregnancy Journal I'd purchased in hope and faith and each wrote letters to the babies. We prayed and then DH gave me another massage and we turned lights out at 2:00. Naturally, I couldn't sleep--I think I finally drifted off about 4:00am!

We woke up and had a breakfast date at our favorite breakfast restaurant. I couldn't hardly eat anything but I did get a few bites down. I was starting to get really excited and my stomach was doing cartwheels!

Then we were off to the clinic. I meant to bring a sign with the date for this photo but I forgot. We tried to get the sign on the window in the picture but try as we might we couldn't.


Once inside there was another couple there for an FET so we made friends. She was so sweet and helpful and talked me through a lot. To our surprise, we had a different doctor than our own and he was very unpleasant. He told us absolutely nothing before, during or after the transfer so the other lady was really sweet in filling in the gaps for us and giving us advice and letting us know what to expect. We've since learned from several other friends who used this doctor that he pretty much skipped Bedside Manner 101 (and 201 and 301 and 401...) but he IS very skilled and they all have successful transfers by him so we're trying to focus on that.

While we were waiting DH put his hand on my belly and prayed for the babies and me and the doctor. Then we just waited and did the potty dance with the same nice lady, now in the next bed.

So far as we know, the transfer went fine. Dr. Meanie didn't tell us anything despite our questions but I'm just trying not to think about him because like another friend who just had a transfer said said last week, I'm on a beach, I'm on the moon, I'm not stressing :D

We tried to get a picture after the transfer. This is my pathetic attempt to prop myself up from being upside down. I look drugged, hot and tired, but I never did feel any different from the Valium, which I was glad for. Here's our first "Family Picture"


All through the procedure I kept asking for the picture the embryologist had given us, asking for "our babies." I held on to that picture and only let go when DH wanted a glance. The doctor wasn't compliant with our request to let us see or know what was going on with the procedure so we didn't get to see the actual transfer itself but these pictures were wonderful to have to focus on :)

I lay there for a while and then we came home, ordered take out for lunch, ate, and then slept until dinner time (finally turning off the phone after the bajillionth political call!). I woke up and wanted more of the same take out (hey I can say I'm eating for 3 now right?) and for a lot of the night we just hung out and watched football.

Then late last night is when DH got so sick. So I think we really still have a lot to process but I'm hoping we can do more of that tomorrow after we've both slept. It's been a surreal couple of days, all over the spectrum of emotions and experiences.

We would still like to plan to tell the results of the transfer in our own way, at our own time, so please help us by resisting the temptation to ask for results =) We don't know them yet anyway (it's impossible to know this soon) but we'll certainly tell you all when we do, whether it's good news or bad.

Thank you all for hanging in there with us on this roller coaster! I hope you all are well and I'll try to catch up with my blog buddies over the next few days.

We covet your prayers that the babies would grab on and grow and that DH would continue to be on the mend!

Hugs to everyone!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Babies are Coming, the Babies are Coming!

Hi friends,

We weren't originally going to announce this, but I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets, so here it goes.

The babies are coming!

Our 12 Precious Embryos will be shipping here next week via Fed Ex (more efficient than the stork ;) ). They will ship Monday-Tuesday or Tuesday-Wednesday, depending on when a cryogenic transport tank is available. We'd love your prayers that the airplanes and trucks involved would be protected from breakdowns, accidents, detours, paperwork mishaps, weather elements, logistical errors and other failures or delays that could place these precious little ones in jeopardy. The tank they are shipped in has a limited amount of Nitrogen which is ample if things go smoothly but in the event of a significant delay, there would be a risk of the nitrogen running out and of the embryos thawing. The process typically DOES go smoothly so we don't think there's an abnormal rate of risk. We know that these precious babies are in the capable hands of our Great and Loving God--we pray for His guidance and protection as He uses FedEx to bring them to us.

Still no news on a transfer date (and hopefully, I will be able to keep THAT a secret. My body is being wiggy. I've been in a few times for some diagnostic tests and we think we've got to the bottom of things but we'd appreciate your prayers that everything goes back to functioning normal so we can move on to start thinking and talking about an actual schedule for the transfer and all of the preparatory steps involved. Thanks!

Update: The babies' confirmed arrival date is Wednesday, September 24, so they'll be in transit Tuesday-Wednesday. Thanks for your prayers!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Signed!







Our contract has been signed, notarized and returned along with all of our remaining money. There's nothing left to do from our end except wait for the babies to get here!

Our GPs emailed to tell us that they had signed and returned their contracts, too! As soon as Nightlight receives them all (hopefully Tuesday!) they can send paperwork to our doctors for review and then ship the embryos!

We're at the end of what we'll share about the process until we have a confirmed pregnancy. Diana sent me a note that said:
Your EA timeline is really racing along!! October (target date, right?) is coming up quickly!! You know what that means, don’t you? Everyone who reads your blog is going to be giving you “the look” come October 1st and saying, “Well???? Well??? Well????” LOL


That's precisely why mum (or hopefully, MOM) is the word from here on out. =) We lost a lot in infertility, and one of the things we're trying to hold on to is the joy of planning how we want to tell family and friends that we're expecting and then getting to share the news with them in celebration. It won't be a total surprise in any event, but at least this way we can hang on to a little bit of the surprise element, and then also have the freedom to tell people when we're ready. Also, if for some reason God wills that the first transfer won't take, we'll have the opportunity to grieve privately without unwitting "look" and "Well?????" spoken in anticipation of good news.

Thanks for your understanding! We've been so public about our journey and we do want to publicly celebrate if and when the time comes, but all in due time!

At this point we don't know how long it will take the doctor to review everything and give his approval for our clinic to receive the embryos, and we have no idea where I'll be at in a cycle when that finally happens, so the time line at this point is still a mystery to us, too! But we're praying that it's soon! And we'd love your prayers that it's soon, too. We'd love your prayers that the Embryos arrive here safely, that they thaw successfully and that the transfer will be successful!

I'll still be blogging, I just won't have specific updates about the process.

Thank you!

In other news, check out this crazy lightning storm we got the other night. I felt like I was in an 80s discotheque! This was through our front window. (Unlike DH, I wasn't crazy enough to go out and stand in it!) At this point in the storm there was no thunder, no rain, and very little wind. It was very eerie!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Definition: Sono Mock

Jess asked me to define a Sono Mock, so here it is, as best as I understand it.

An HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) is a procedure wherein they use a catheter to fill the uterus with dye and put you under an xray machine. They're trying to fill the uterus and push the dye through your tubes for it to spill out the other end. Meanwhile, the dye is exposing the shape, size and condition of the uterus, tubes and ovaries on the xray film.

The "sono" part of this procedure (sonohysterosalpingogram) is similar, though they use saline instead of dye and it doesn't need to go up in to my tubes since they're just checking out the uterus, looking for anything that might be complicating to a pregnancy.

The "mock transfer" part is where they use the same kind of catheter they'd use for the actual embryo transfer and they're measuring the uterus, investigating the wall and the shape, looking for the most favorable position to "aim" for during the transfer itself. During the actual procedure they don't "implant" the embryos directly in to the uterine wall. They just transfer them to the uterus, much like would happen if they dropped down in from the fallopian tubes in a good-old-fashioned conception. The doctors aim toward the position in the lining thought to be most favorable, but it's still up to God and the body's process for the embryos to actually "grab on" and implant. The mock cycle is done to give them the best chance we can provide from a mortal standpoint.

Friday, July 18, 2008

A GREAT Mail Day!





I was stuck here all day waiting for Fed Ex to bring my bank cards (bank made a mistake and canceled my existing ones). Otherwise I would have been over at BFFs house when the mail came.

I was just laying down for a nap (this week has been really tiring!) when I heard the mail truck. I argued for a minute with myself about whether or not I should get up and check it but I told myself, "no, it's too soon." Well I finally did decide to check and lo and behold, the certification had arrived!

The date on the certification is 7 days after the court would have received the application. The agency received it within 7 more days. The agency notified us today, just 2.5 weeks after the initial mailing date of the application to the court. That's crazy fast! Rather, it's God fast! He's the only explanation for why things have moved so quickly and smoothly, and we give Him all the glory!

The other good news that came in earlier today is that I can go in for my Sono-Mock on day 1 of the next cycle! Once all that's done, we'll be able to do the transfer as soon as the embryos are here!

The next steps take a bit longer than I thought. We wait for our HS to be sent from CFCA to Nightlight. Then, if Nightlight has all of our documents and all of S and Bs documents, then they can issue contracts. If not, we wait for those first. We don't think there will be any delay here because both families have been pretty diligent about submitting everything.

After the contracts are signed, S&B's lab work can be sent to our clinic. Our doctor would then review it and decide if their blood work met our state's standards (every state is different and they're in another state so they would have been processed according to CA standards), as well as the clinic's standards (clinics can be funny about using embryos they didn't "create.") If that all passes muster, then Nightlight can send the Embryology Report to our clinic. Again, the doctor here has to review it all to see if everything meets the right standards, and if they'll accept them for transfer. Once THAT happens, then Nightlight can arrange for Fed Ex to move the Embryos. If there's something "wrong" then something else may need to be done on the GP's end but we won't know that til our doctor reviews everything, nor would they know to expect it either.

So the part with the doctor is what could take longer. Megan (Nightlight) said that more blood work or reports are needed about 50% of the time. She said doctors can take anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks to review the reports and make their determinations. Coordinating with Fed Ex takes a week, too.

The contract stage just takes as long as it takes everyone to sign and have everything notarized and mailed back. The transfer of information between clinics and getting the "all clear" can take anywhere from 4 weeks to 4 months. We don't really know since we barely know this doctor. Megan said the average is 6-8 weeks from start to finish. Fed Ex takes a week (though I can't remember if that's included in the 6-8 or not).

Then we could do a transfer the next cycle after all that is done. So it seems like October-ish might be optimistic, but we also know how quickly God has orchestrated everything else, so we are confident that everything will continue to happen in the perfect time!

Thanks for celebrating with us!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

An Announcement

Hi everyone,

Last night, we received the following email from the couple we met last week:
So......without further ado, [Genetic Dad's Name] and I would absolutely love for you and Todd to be the adopting parents of our precious embryos. We think you and Todd are wonderful people and we can't think of a more perfect couple to love, raise and adore any children that hopefully will result from this adoption. We can tell that you are going to make fantastic parents.

We hope you feel this is the right match for you both and we anxiously await your answer.

This was the answer we'd been praying for! So this morning, we called them and happily accepted.

There's so much I want to share about our story...how God knit it together, how He prepared our timing and our desires, how He orchestrated our conversation and how he even matched us with a couple so similar to our own selves in so ways. I'll try to take the time in coming weeks to begin typing everything up!

In the mean time, we are officially happy parents-to-be. There are 12 Embryos, all in the blastocyst stage (day 5 or later--great for implantation potential).

10 of them are frozen in pairs, so that is how we will thaw and transfer them. The other two are each frozen individually and we will either thaw and transfer them together or pair each one with another pair and have two transfers of 3. Assuming at least one embryo from each pair survives the thaw, we'll have 5 or 6 transfers.

The number of live births that will result from these embryos remains to be seen. The first Phoenix Snowflake family had 11 embryos, which resulted in one live birth. Another family we know lost a lot of embryos through 4 or 5 matches, and finally had two children. Our Genetic Family had 5 successful implantations out of 8 embryos, and 3 live births (and 1 miscarriage of twins). So it really can be all over the map. We could end up with 1 child, we could end up with 12. If I recall one of her emails correctly, their embryologist thinks that the most likely number is 3, maybe 4 (though for the life of me I can't find that email so if I'm remembering wrong, S, please forgive me!). It really is anyone's guess and all in God's hands. We're sure He already knows the size family He has for us so we are resting in that.

The next step is to wait for the homestudy comes back. Even though we are matched, we still can't move forward without that piece. When it comes back to our caseworker here, she'll transfer it to Nightlight. Once that is done we can enter the process of signing actual documents. The other family with have 72 hours from date of signing to change their mind. After that, our coordinator at Nightlight will coordinate the shipping of our embryos from their clinic (in the San Francisco area) to our clinic here, which will store the embryos and eventually do the transfers.

We will update when our homestudy is completed and when we sign documents and perhaps when the Embryos safely arrive in Phoenix. But we are not planning to announce in advance (even to family!) about when the first transfer will be so that if it is successful, we can enjoy the process of planning and surprising friends and family with the news, and also so we can protect the information if we find ourselves wanting to wait a little bit longer in to the pregnancy before we share. And, if the transfer is not successful, we can grieve in private and not have the pain of answering "how did it go?" a lot of times over from everyone who'd know to ask 10-14 days after the transfer date (about when a pregnancy test is conducted).

It's still a little while until we get to that point but we're telling folks now so that when the time comes, we can be cryptic without seeming secretive or intentionally hurtful. What we can say is that if things go smoothly, a transfer could happen as early as October-ish. But we won't know more til later.

So, that's our news! We're very excited! We are very eager to share our story with anyone who could benefit from it so please feel free to ask any questions!

Thank you for celebrating with us!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Update

Hi everyone,

Well, everything from the week is done. We did all our tests and exams-they went off without a hitch.

We also made it safely to and from our meeting yesterday. The meeting went well--they seem to be exactly the people they say they are which was great. You can really be anyone you want to be on the internet, so it was comforting to see that they ARE nice, normal people.

There was a lot of information they shared yesterday that was pretty overwhelming (for me anyway) so I'm still processing so I don't really have much to share in the way of an update. Everything went well and we walked away really knowing as much as we could have expected to know at the end of the day. We knew we wouldn't walk away with a "final answer." Both families are going to take some time to think and pray and then we'll talk down the road. But from everything we could see yesterday, everything seemed very positive.

The next step (giving a definite "yes" or "no") is hard for someone like me who has such a fearful nature. But that would be true with any match and has nothing to do with this situation. It's just now, the rubber meets the road and the reality and finality of any decision starts to sink in. We'd love your prayers for wisdom and peace and I'm sure they would, too!

That's all I have in the way of an update. I can share more later if this does "go through" but in the mean time, I want to respect the "maybe" nature of the situation. Trust me, both the genetic mom and I are eager to share "our story" but we both want to know what the next chapter will be, first.

Thanks for your prayers. If nothing else, we had a nice time, a safe trip, and they're really great people to know so we've already gained something!

PS: Our adoption caseworker said that the fact that it doesn't sound like I'm shouting from the rooftops gives her cause for concern. Don't read in to that...it's not in my personality to be like that in a new situation. I'm just too cautious (overly so, this I know!). Don't read in to it. (Genetic-Dad is really cautious by nature too, so I know he understands!) As simultaneously strongly and cautiously as I can, I say that yesterday's meeting went very very well and is very promising. I'm as bursting with excitement as I will allow myself to be while things are still a "maybe." Believe me, if we get a final "yes" from God and from them, I WILL be shouting from the rooftops. But until then, I think protecting my heart is the best course of action.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Tests

7 vials of Blood Later, my part in most of the tests is done. It's nice to have something else to check off the list! For a major needle-phobe like me, 7 vials is a big deal :D

Today has just been spent tending to various details. I'm printing pictures the genetic family wants to see and making sure the profile match letter is the exact-no-turning-back-now-because-we're-going-to-give-it-to-them way we want it.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I don't think we expect to walk away with an answer tomorrow (though it would be cool!) but I do hope that we have at least as strong of an inclination as to know whether or not we should continue seriously pursuing this or not. We'd love for you to join us in prayer for this meeting!

Oh, another piece of happy news is that our caseworker called and said our homestudy report went postal today! I hope hope hope the court processes it quickly. She said she sent one in a few weeks ago and it's already been accepted so at least a few weeks ago, the calendar was moving along fast. I hope the same is true now!

I'm off to nap. I have a feeling I won't sleep a wink tonight in anticipation of tomorrow so I'm going to sleep while I can get it!

I'll try to update tomorrow night!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Another Milestone!

I got the letter from my doctor that Nightlight needs in order to allow us to proceed. I knew my doctor had told us at the last meeting that he didn't foresee any problems with me carrying a pregnancy, but I was still nervous when I called that some phantom concern would have developed between now and when I last saw him. Suffice it to say, I was really excited when the letter showed up.

It's short and to the point but that's how my doctor rolls. The sentence in red (my edit) is what matters! It constantly amazes me that between both DH and I, the only part that works just fine is my "oven," which is "all" we need for this joy of Embryo Adoption. He burdened our hearts for it and fashioned our bodies for it...that constantly amazes me.




I also talked to our Social Worker today. She said she expects to mail off our report on Friday or Monday. Shortly thereafter, BFF and C both contacted me to say that our worker had done her follow up phone interviews with them this morning. She needs one more to go with the report to the court, so it seems that's nearing the end too. And I'm glad I'd forgotten all about that part of the process--recommendations always make me nervous!

In other news, congratulations to William and Glenna, who I mentioned last week. Their little one, Isaiah, has finally arrived in to their arms!

Happiest congratulations also go to Elaine, who received a positive pregnancy test!

Congratulations, friends!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Feeling a little (ok, a lot!) overwhelmed!

I'm not a person who does well with overwhelmedness. It makes me feel very panicky and nervous.

DH and I have not treated with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist-basically a fertility specialist). Because we're pretty conservative on what we will and won't consider in terms of artificial reproduction assistance, we never saw the need to see an RE because my OB could do everything we were willing to try. Then when his tests revealed DH's problem, we went to a specialist (the best in the state) for that. But his next steps would have been to send us to an RE too, to do procedures we weren't comfortable with, we basically drew our line in the sand there.

Most people when doing something like a Frozen Embryo Transfer do it with an RE with whom they have an established relationship, so they just call him up and he schedules all the tests and procedures.

We don't have one so we needed to find an RE specifically for the actual transfer, because an OB doesn't do that. But I've only met this doctor once. So I called his office today to see what the next step is. They schedule far out so I figured I could get on the calender. The next step is do a ton of blood work, tests and screenings on both DH and I. He CAN do them or we can have our Primary Care Physician do them. We chose this route because coming from a PCP, they should be covered by our insurance. They're the same tests and should be covered no matter who orders them but we're afraid insurance might freak out if they see a clinic's name on the orders so we're going through our PCP.

So, she proceeds to recite to me all of the tests I need to ask the doctor to order. There are 21 of them for me and an additional 6 for DH.

We'll do 2 of them with my OB because of the nature of the sample's retrieval. So first I had to call and explain to my OB's scheduler, whom I have never met (she's new) and who has no clue about Embryo Adoption or even FET about why I needed to come in for STD screening (joy!).

Then I needed to call our PCP and explain to HIS scheduler why we needed to see him. "Why do you need to see him?" "So that we can ask him to order labs." "How do you know you need them?" "Because another doctor said so." "Why didn't he order them then?" aye yai yai. I think in the end it boiled down to "ok, whatever you say lady-see you next week." So we meet with him to ask him if he can put in orders at the lab to do these 25 other tests. Joy!

I'm just a little overwhelmed. I'm stressed that I'm going to do something in the wrong order or that someone will miss one and we'll have to go back anyway, opening us up for financial risk and extra cost, etc, etc. I'd love it if we lived in California where we could do everything non-medical through Nightlight, and if we had an existing RE and IF insurance coverage where we could do everything else through them. This coordinating everything through so many different agencies is making my head spin.

I'm totally willing to do it. I'm just afraid I'll make a major mistake! I guess it's a feeling I should get used to as we embark on parenting anyway, right? ;)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It's Off



We mailed off our application to Nightlight today! We didn't mail it off at the beginning of the process because we can't really go any farther until the Homestudy is certified. So they will still just sit on it a little while longer but we're still excited to join them. One thing it will get us is access to a group of other Snowflake parents--I'm really excited about that!

I worked until late last night to get caught up on my business orders. I wanted to free myself up so I could go spend time with BFF and Godson and help her as she needs it. Can you believe he turns a month old this weekend?

Anyway, that's all that's new here. Gotta scoot--still have a few more things to do before I'm free :)

Friday, June 13, 2008

Homestudy Update

Beware-there are two very long posts below them! After a time-imposed blogging drought, I had a lot to say :)

But here is the update on the Homestudy Visit.

The visit went very well. We went to bed relatively early last night and took a leisurely pace this morning. Our home has never been this clean! She came and took a surprisingly fast tour and then we sat in the living room answering a few outstanding questions she had and going through Nightlight's required questions. Everything went flawlessly (so far as we know).

What happens now is that our social worker will write up her report (20 pages!) and send it along with our references, medical information, fingerprints, etc, off to the court. She said she expects to have it ready to send off by the end of this month. Then the court takes 3-6 weeks to review everything, and, Lord willing, accept it and certify us. Once we're certified, our social worker here sends it to Nightlight. Then we're considered eligible by Nightlight for a match and we wait. If the potential match on the table is a go, we could proceed at that point (provided everything was already agreed upon and such). If that match is not a go, we would enter their regular match process and wait for a family whose desires are similar to our own.

So that's it! We've done all we can do and now we just wait! It feels really good to be done!

My friend Henrietta from Sweden arrives in the morning (and it's already really late) so I have to scoot in order to be up early enough to pick her up at the airport. I'm really excited about her visit!

If you couldn't see the John Piper video, here is the link to it on youtube. I hope it works for you!

Hope you all are well!

Embryo Adoption FAQ

We encourage our friends and family (and strangers, politely), to ask us questions about Embryo Adoption. We love to share any answers that we have, and research those we don't. Here is an FAQ of the questions we are commonly asked. Please feel free to ask us any that you have! No question is too "stupid" and so long as it's respectful and doesn't violate the privacy or honor of our family or the genetic parents, nothing is off-limits, so ask away!

In no particular order:

Q: Are these embryos created for you?
A: No. These are not "made to order." These embryos were created at the impetus of and for the transfer by their original genetic parents. We only enter in to the picture when the genetic parents find themselves unable or unwilling to transfer additional embryos, yet still having some left in storage.

Q: Will you know the gender of the embryos?
A: Nope! Not until 18-20 weeks in to a pregnancy like everyone else :) At the stage of transfer to my uterus, they're simply too small and have not yet developed sex organs.

Q: How many embryos will you have?
A: That depends on how many the family we are matched with has. Nightlight guarantees 6, so if we are matched with a family that has fewer than that, we will actually be matched with multiple families.

Q: Will you meet the genetic parents?
A: Again, that depends on the genetic parents. In the typical Nightlight process, you don't meet, at least not up front. You may choose to meet later on after birth as the child is growing up. We're not opposed to a pre-match meeting, and would agree to it if matched with a family that required it, but it's not one of our non-negotiables that we do (or don't) meet them.

Q: Will you have contact with the genetic parents?
A: Yes. One of our non-negotiables is that we at least know their complete names, contact information, medical history and cultural/racial history if known. We also require permission to give names and contact info to the children when the children are of age, if they have not thus far been in contact. We are required by Nightlight to send updates on the children to the agency so that the Genetic Parents can retrieve them if they so desire. Whether we have contact beyond all that will really depend on the individual dynamics of the match and what both parties want. We want some email contact, at the very least. We think it would be in our children's best interest to at least have some semblance of contact with or knowledge of their genetic parents.

Q: If still have more embryos after a successful transfer, pregnancy and birth, what happens to them?
A: Those embryos remain "ours" (though all children are just on loan to us from God). One thing that we actually love about Embryo Adoption is that our children will have a realistic possibility of having genetic siblings. Most recently created embryos are frozen in 1s, 2s or 3s. We're guaranteed 6 through Nightlight. We would only thaw 2 or 3 at a time, depending on how they were frozen. We'd wait for them to thaw, and then transfer the ones that survived. If we get pregnant, the other 3 or 4 embryos would remain frozen until we were ready to have another child. If none of the first batch survived the thaw or implanted, we could thaw more within a few cycles of the first. If all of the embryos die with no successful pregnancies, we would be matched with another family. If in any case we were left with embryos we could not carry, we would transfer them back to the care of their genetic parents, who at that point would likely find another adoptive couple for them.

Q: Is there a possibility for multiples?
A: Yes. Currently, the frequency of multiple live births in our program is 28%. If the currently pregnant women in the program all give live birth to their multiples, the rate will increase to 31%. (My hubby did all this math--ask him if you have questions). Hubster likes to point out that twins run in his family. =). Twins or triplets would be fraternal. They would be twins or triplets insofar as they would implant and be born at the same time, but they would be two (or three) separate embryos from the get-go (as opposed to one embryo that splits).

Q: How many embryos would you transfer at one time?
A: This depends somewhat on how the embryos were frozen to begin with because you must thaw all frozen in a batch. We would not transfer more than three at a time, but ideally, we would transfer only two at a time because even if both took, a twin pregnancy can be relatively safe. We would not transfer more than 3 at a time because of the risk posed to both me and the children by high-multiple pregnancies.

Q: Could you end up like Jo.hn and Ka.te plus 8? (we actually get this a lot!)
A: Very unlikely. We might end up with 8 children, but not all at once (or in their case, 6 at once). I don't know their story at all. I don't know if they did IVF or Clomid or whatever. I've never seen their show--I've only heard about it several times through our process. For us to end up with sextuplets, we'd have to transfer 3 embryos and have all 3 of those embryos split in to two once en utero. That's very very very unlikely, statistically speaking, even if these were naturally conceived children. And since we'd never transfer 6 embryos at once, we wouldn't get there that way, either.

That's all I can remember. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Editorial: The Vatican to Consider taking a Position on Embryo Adoption

I've long since resisted commenting on the Vatican's Treatment (or lack thereof) of Embryo Adoption, knowing that some of my readers are Catholic, that some are IVFers, and that some are Catholic IVFers. In response to recent news I would like to post as an advocate of EA, with the caveat that I will treat it as sensitively as I can. While I am not a Catholic and we decided against IVF, I respect those who made different choices for their families and hope that I can communicate that, while maintaining my own convictions.

The Vatican, to date, has no official position on Embryo Adoption. I would post a link accordingly, but the Vatican's search engine is down. They have resisted taking a position largely due to conflicting debates among Catholic Bioethicists and Vatican Advisers.

However, the National Catholic Reporter reports that the Vatican Council may make a ruling this weekend. I will be so bold as to proclaim that I hope they take the right position, myself believing that under current conditions there is only one correct position.

Let's deconstruct the arguments of the the top objectors.

First, the Vatican's official position on human life reads:
The human being must be respected - as a person - from the very first instant of his existence...Thus the fruit of human generation, from the first moment of its existence, that is to say from the moment the zygote has formed, demands the unconditional respect that is morally due to the human being in his bodily and spiritual totality. The human being is to be respected and treated as a person from the moment of conception; and therefore from that same moment his rights as a person must be recognized, among which in the first place is the inviolable right of every innocent human being to life. ...Since the embryo must be treated as a person, it must also be defended in its integrity, tended and cared for, to the extent possible, in the same way as any other human being as far as medical assistance is concerned.
(source)

That position alone is enough to determine what their next logical step MUST be.

The Catholic Church denounces both IVF and Surrogacy, teaching that both violate the sanctity of the marriage relationship by introducing another party for procreation, that such creation violates the dignity of the life of the newly formed person, in the case of surrogacy that it violates the child's right to be born to its own genetic, married mother and father, and that any artificial creation of life removes the power to give and take life away from God.

Springboarding off of this teaching and course of thought is where the objections to Embryo Adoption are based.

Father Tad Pacholczyk, a leading Catholic Bioethicist and adviser to the Vatican, takes a negative position on Embryo Adoption. He says "my own opinion is that it is not moral to do this" (source). Summarizing an oral debate in which Fr. Tad argued the negative, the National Catholic Reporter reported:
Pacholczyk argued that the implantation of an embryo is an intrinsically evil act, because it separates aspects of procreation that should remain united. Procreation, understood as "collaboration between husband, wife and almighty God," he argued, extends from fertilization through conjugal relations to birth, and to skip one of those stages means instrumentalizing the process.

It also results, he said, in a "fissure in parenthood," since "spouses have an exclusive right to become mother and father solely through each other."

"One should not become a parent through any means other than one's spouse," Pacholczyk said. He also argued that since fathers are incidental to the process of embryo adoption, fatherhood "is gravely and intrinsically violated.
(source)

As a pseudo-Catholic on matters of the right to life (I find myself far more conservative and active than my own church tradition's action on the issue), I generally have great respect for Fr. Tad and I'm perhaps one of the few Protestants who is familiar with him. However, his general position befuddles me. I have read a much more extensive document on his position, but now after an hour of googling find myself completely unable to locate it again so I will react only to what I can find in print.

My first reaction to Father Tad is that even if everything he says is true, his position does nothing to answer the question of what to do with the embryos (precious human lives) already in existence, regardless of how they came to be, and as such, his position is insufficient.

Additionally, I do wonder about the logical consistency of this argument with the Catholic teaching (an argument with which I agree) that abortion is immoral under all circumstances, including rape. In that case, a woman is impregnated (though not willingly) by a man other than her husband, and the Church would have her carry that child to term and birth it. Father Tad's distinction may be in the complicity of the conception on the part of the mother, but as stated, his argument is full of holes.

Less far-fetched in frequency are children conceived through willing intercourse outside the bonds of marriage. Again, the church would advocate that said child be carried to term and birthed. To be clear, Embryo Adoption is not at all to be likened to a child conceived from rape or even out of wedlock. I introduce the comparison as far as both one of those situations and IVF/EA pertain to a child conceived outside the traditional marital relationship. The church protects one child. It ought to protect the other.

His response as cited elsewhere is, "Today we put preemies into very sophisticated incubators. It’s conceivable that one could do that for an embryo as well." (source). I fail to see how this solution honors the dignity of the life of the embryo more than a womb does and moreover, it still does nothing to preserve the lives already created, who wait in peril for the creation of said "sophisticated incubator."

Furthermore, Father Tad's position seems to contradict his own position on the fundamental worth of the embryo.
The moral teaching of the Church is that the human embryo must be treated as if it were already ensouled, even if it might not yet be so. It must be treated as if it were a person from the moment of conception, even if there exists the theoretical possibility that it might not yet be so...Human embryos are already beings that are human (not zebra or plant), and are, in fact, the newest and most recent additions to the human family. They are integral beings structured for matu ration along their proper time line. Any destructive action against them as they move along the continuum of their development disrupts the entire future time line of that person. In other words, the embryo exists a whole, living member of the human species, and when destroyed, that particular individual has perished. Every human embryo, thus, is unique and sacrosanct."
(source)

Condemning these "newest and most recent additions to the human family" to a life (or rather non-life) of indefinite freezing destroys them, thereby violating Fr. Tad's own injunction against such behavior.

Msgr. William Smith, a professor at St. Joseph's Seminary, likens Embryo Adoption to "high-tech surrogacy," declaring it thus immoral. What Msgr. Smith fails to recognize is the distinction that in Embryo Adoption, the mother intends to parent the child. The Vatican even defines a surrogate as
"the woman who carries in pregnancy an embryo implanted in her uterus and who is genetically a stranger to the embryo because it has been obtained through the union of the gametes of "donors". She carries the pregnancy with a pledge to surrender the baby once it is born to the party who commissioned or made the agreement for the pregnancy." (source).

As the Pregnancy Carrying Parents do not surrender the child and in fact parent it, the process is clearly different from surrogacy.

Msgr. Smith takes an even more grave position when he says,
"There is no moral way to implant a frozen embryo into a woman's womb and therefore, unfortunately, the embryos must be allowed to expire naturally in their unnatural state." (source)

Msgr. Smith's qualification of his condemnation of "unfortunately" hardly makes his position any less evil.

Dr. Daniel Sulmasy, lead of the medical-ethics department at St. Vincents Medical Center in New York, agrees when he says that pregnancy resulting from something other than intercourse with her husband:
"creates a situation in which there is in a sense a third biological parent, the 'adopting' mother. This introduces new complications and unfamiliar familial relationships which are in and of themselves problematic."
He agrees that allowing the embryos to die frozen is the only moral response. He writes "They will die as natural a death as possible given the unnatural course of their lives. (source)

Again, one could extend Msgr. Smith and Dr. Sulmasy's arguments to call for the expulsion of children resulting from any "unnatural" state or relation, including rape, incest, extra marital affairs and technology assists. The position is morally reprehensible and unsupportable. On matters of high tech procreation, the scriptures might be vague. On the issue of the value of human life (and the logical extension that we therefore must protect it), there is no obscurity. Additionally, difficulty (as he suggests exists in the relationships) is not justification for sin (in this case, inaction).

Another objection is the argument that the existence of Embryo Adoption could encourage or legitimize IVF. Bishop Elio Sgreccia, Vice President of the Pontifical Academy for Life said "The idea of a systematic organization of prenatal adoption of frozen embryos would, in fact, end up by legitimizing the practice which is substantially at the root of the whole problem." source quoting "The London Tablet" August 10, 1996 (original article not available online).

It may be true that a small majority of couples who otherwise wouldn't, decide to pursue IVF because they know about Embryo Adoption. However, even if you eliminated all those people from the equation, the fact remains that thousands of people go through IVF without reservation and a system must therefore exist to save the children who result from the process. We cannot allow innocent children who already exist to perish because we think their parents should have behaved differently at a previous time to which we cannot revert. The simple fact remains that they're here now, and deserve a chance at life. Their genetic parents will answer to God (positively or negatively depending on your opinion) for their actions in creating them but that does not excuse us from pro-action on their behalf in the meantime. A better response would be to regulate the amount of embryos created and to require immediate fresh transfer of all created embryos. But until or unless we arrive to that point, we must be equipped to save these innocent lives from a system that has failed them.

Just as premarital sex and extramarital sex, are denounced by the church and yet produce children whose lives the church would protect, the church should oppose the destruction of these artificially created children, regardless of their opinion on the original method of creation.

The most curious argument I've heard is the notion that in Embryo Adoption, the woman separates herself from her husband, and herself from her own womb, thereby allowing herself to be used. Brian Caufield, writer for Human Life Review, writes

to separate this inherent capacity [to become pregnant] from the intimacy of conjugal relations goes too far. It not only separates a wife from her husband, by interposing another impregnating party; it separates a woman from herself if she uses her womb merely as an instrument for the good end of saving a life. (source)


Bishop Sgreccia says:
The idea of [embryo] adoption, per se, has an end which is good. Theologians say it is licit, but there is an extremely high rate of failure. It seems that out of 100 attempts to implant, only three or four would work. We know this because of experiments on animals. About 90 percent don't work because when you unfreeze an embryo, it dies. Or it won't implant itself.

Even if it does work, there are no guarantees that the child won't have serious handicaps. The risk of handicap increases the longer an embryo is frozen: one or two years or five years.

Can we really counsel women to do this? It would mean counseling heroism. Many attempts would fail. Also, you would have to do it at certain periods of the month when the uterus is ready. And if the baby is born handicapped, she must still take care of it, because it would be cruel to abort it.

The issue is one big question mark. The point is, we should never have gone down this road to begin with. It is full of problems. (source)
To begin with, the mention of the risk for special needs again proses a logical breakdown with other high-risk cases where the church would call for full-term pregnancy and delivery.

Furthermore, as an Embryo Adoption mom-to-be, I fail to see how I could be instrumentalized against my will. If I am whole-heartedly and with the full consent of my husband, submitting my body and we our marriage to this process, we can hardly be called separated instruments. We have carefully considered the risks and sacrifices involved in Embryo Adoption. However, neither are reason enough to refrain from doing the right thing, in this case, answering God's call and blessing to grow our family and our hearts while also saving children in need.

There are many Catholic theologians who do support Embryo Adoption, among my favorite being Dr. William May, professor of moral theology at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and family. He argues that adoption is about providing a proper home for a child, and the only proper home for an embryo is a womb.(source).

His former student, Geoffrey Surtees, separates embryo adoption from procreation entirely (and therefore the Church's mandates on it) arguing that procreation took place during the already-completed IVF, and concluding
Respectfully disagreeing with Msgr. Smith's opinion on this matter, it appears evident, upon consideration of the many details, that a married couple who steps forth to rescue a frozen embryo through adoption is acting in and with the mind of the Church; indeed, as far as reason and faith are concerned, there seems nothing illicit about such an action. On the contrary: "To rescue and adopt this unborn and raise the child," as the original question stated, is nothing less than an extraordinary work of mercy. It reveals both a profound respect for the sanctity of human life and the powerful witness of love; a witness our culture of death so desperately needs to behold. (source)
I appreciate both of these gentlemens' sentiments. However, I would like to insist that we are not martyrs or heroes. Yes, what we're doing is a sacrifice. But our children are not a project or a cause or a political statement. As much as I believe that saving their lives is the right thing to do both conceptually and specifically, we are no less than completely committed to them as our children wholly loved for that reason alone. We at most consider ourselves obedient and blessed for this opportunity to become parents.

It is my prayer that as brilliant minds and faithful servants discuss this issue this weekend, that the Church would come to the conclusion that despite valid and legitimate objections to their origin, these children do exist and therefore are endowed with a right to life and deserving of our advocacy, protection and service.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Just checking in...

Just checking in... I've been so busy this week!

We had our last adoption class last night. I am bummed to lose the time with the other parents but I can't say I'm sad the classes are over. They were such a source of struggle for me and a significant bone of contention between us and the agency. We have a mandatory "Infertility Counseling" meeting tomorrow with another person at the Agency and then our last Homestudy visit is a week from tomorrow. Surprisingly, things at the house are going really well. We have it almost completely ready. DH will work on the garage this weekend and I have some ticky tacky things I wanted to do anyway. Next week we have pest control and carpet cleaners coming (both overdue but this provides the perfect excuse) and the gardeners were here this past week and trimmed our palms for the summer and cleaned up the yard so I'm surprisingly not stressed about the impending visit (which is very unlike me!).

Our caseworker will do the visit and she's waiting on one more letter of recommendation and then she'll submit it all to the court. Meanwhile we have to get in contact with my doctor for a letter of "ability to carry a child" and we have to complete our Nightlight Application. Once we turn that and our money in, we'll be able to join the Nightlight chat group with other Snowflake Families, which I'm really looking forward to. I think I'll feel so much more at ease when I can talk to other parents who've been there in this specific kind of adoption.

We wrote our match letter this weekend. That was fun and surreal all at the same time. How do you market a family? How do you say enough to cover the important stuff, but keep it brief enough that you don't bore the reader? I'm not sure that we succeeded, but we're happy with the outcome. I sent it to the caseworker at Nightlight for her feedback-we'll see what she says!

No updates yet on the prospective match. She and I emailed each other quite a bit today. We're trying to see if we can reschedule for 4th of July weekend. Our Anniversary is June 28 and we were half-heartedly toying with the idea of going away from then through the 4th but there are still some variables so we'll see.

Tomorrow night we're having dinner with some old friends. It's a crazy story. Angie and I went to church together when we were in Junior High. Sometime in High School she changed churches and she also attended a private school so we saw little of each other. We both went away to college (she to Texas and I to Los Angeles) and came back swooning over our beaus. As we were sharing about them with each other, we discover that both of them (now our DHs) went to Junior High together here in Arizona! Crazy, huh? They live in Texas now but her In Laws still live here in town so they're here visiting and we'll get to see them. We're excited! Though I've pretty well transitioned in to living in Arizona and considering it home, I still always find comfort in sharing a history with someone when that history is older than 5 or 10 years. For this gypsy, that's a big deal!

That's about all that's new with us! Hope you all are well!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sunbirds?

When Michiganders come to Phoenix in the winter time to avoid the cold in their home state, they’re called “Snowbirds.” I think we’ve been to Michigan enough times in the last year to be considered Sunbirds! I admit the cool weather of Michigan is welcoming. This time we’re not leaving temperatures that are terribly hot this time but a few weeks ago we left 100 degree weather for temperatures about half that high. We’re currently on the plane for our last trip in the foreseeable future, where we’ll celebrate with one of my oldest friends as he gets married.

Some updates…

I had a pretty frank conversation with both our caseworker and last week’s adoption education class teacher about some of my frustrations with the process. Though I didn’t perceive the teacher as being particularly receptive, we both felt that we learned more in this class than we had in previous classes. During this session, they brought in a birth mom and adoptive parents to talk about their arrangement, their entire process, etc. Last night we had dinner with friends of DH from high school who adopted their little girl a couple of years ago. Their situation is almost exactly opposite of the arrangement between the family we met in class. I find that I am continuing to appreciate hearing the varying perspectives, though our situation is more than a little different than a traditional adoption.

We had a great visit with a couple other parents in the class. It was nice to just share our fears, our hopes, our specifics about our journeys, etc. We did chat through some frustrations with the class and I think we discovered some common denominators and frustrations, as well as the source of some of those frustrations. (One huge one is that all the teachers use the term “open adoption” but they all mean very different things by it). I did come out of the meeting with a greater appreciation for an open adoption with contact. K (another adoptive dad who has a lot of my same fears) had similar broadenings of understanding. We looked at each other and wondered if they’d put something in the water.

One thing we appreciated learning was the perspective of the adoptive parents with regard to the birth mom. They see ministering to her as a lifelong commitment. Most women place their children for adoption because of some loss or painful circumstance. While our situation will be different, insofar as these children aren’t born out of unplanned pregnancies or in to dangerous situations and the genetic parents will not have carried and birthed these children, it did give us new compassion for birth parents in traditional adoptions in general. I think our hearts were enriched that night, even if the specifics with regard to situations are different.

Our third (of four) homestudy visit is this week. We’ll see how it goes.

One update on the potential embryo match. Our meeting with the genetic parents was canceled. Illness prevented them from traveling to Arizona (they were going to be here for vacation-they don’t live here). They are hoping to reschedule (their vacation), at which point hopefully we’ll still get to meet them. If they don’t come out and we don’t meet them, I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know if they’ve decided yet.

Waiting is hard, to be sure, especially now that the timeline is indefinite. I was so looking forward to our meeting. I don’t like ambiguity. I like deadlines and structure. Ah well, parenting is about flexibility, right? I was reading an adoption book and they pointed out that adoption waiting is particularly hard because unlike pregnancy, there is no Estimated Due Date and no maximum time allowed. I thought that was a good comparison. Considering we’ve only been at this a few months, I can’t complain about waiting, but it definitely did remind me to steel my heart for the months (years?) ahead. I’ll update when/if I have news.

On our end we’ll still submit everything to Nightlight when we’re done (soon, hopefully!) because we’d use them regardless of if we match with this family. I think that will be a nice mental hurdle. In the mean time, I’m starting to think about our profile letter, which will eventually be given to prospective genetic families and ultimately kept by the one(s) we match with. So that’s exciting, but a little stressful. How do you describe all the important details of your life in a few paragraphs? How do you “market” yourself as a potential parent? I’ve seen car brochures longer than the recommended profile length!

So that’s it for us. When we return from Michigan, my SIL, her kiddos and her pup will be waiting for us. We’ll enjoy a visit with them for a few days and then we’ll be working on the final preparations at home for the home visit.

TTFN!

Friday, May 16, 2008

TGI Friday

This is such a busy month for us! I find myself with a few free hours today and wanting to do nothing but rest!

C's son's wedding rehearsal was last night. I "ran" much of the rehearsal dinner for C which was a blast but between all of the errands and relocating 3 times due to weather, I'm plum exhausted. The wedding is tonight and I am setting up the centerpieces but am hoping that I can pass off cleaning them up to the woman who wants to reuse them tomorrow because I'm so tired-I don't know that I can make it to the end of the reception!

A very close friend from college was in town this week and we had dessert with him. He's another one in my "good for soul" category. We'll see him again next month and the only thing that would make it better was if his wife could fit in his suitcase and come along too--sadly, I don't think his employer would appreciate that. (Priorities, people!)

I'm a little run down. We got back from Jon's wedding and I immediately jumped in to Cs son's rehearsal details. That's all done as of tonight. We have a week to work on the house (still not done with all our homestudy goals) and then next Saturday we leave for another wedding in Michigan. Then we get back and SIL will be here before we are and we get to spend the week with her, which we're very excited about. In that time we also have another homestudy meeting, and an important meeting (more on that in a minute) and then the visit to the house here. So it's a busy time and I'm pooped! We'll have a short visit with my friend H from Sweden. Sometime this summer, we want to take a trip to Hawaii with our free airline tickets. We're sort of waiting for our HS to be done and then we'll go "celebrate" but we'll see. Since the tickets are free, we're at their mercy as to when there are two free seats available and it's not like anyone else on the planet likes to vacation in the summer time ;)

On the Embryo Adoption front...I think I can share a little news that I hinted at earlier in the month. I asked for prayers for wisdom regarding a decision that we have to make. At the end of April, we were approached by a couple we've interacted with in my Christian IF community, who asked us to pray about adopting their embryos. Over the last several weeks, we've done a lot of praying and sought out a lot of counsel from people who have adopted under various circumstances (domestic, international, closed, open, traditional, embryo, etc), as well as a lot of soul searching (having to put our desires for a match down on paper for the first time was a bit overwhelming!--to our happy surprise, they didn't run screaming!) and we've done a lot of talking with them. None of us have made any decisions yet, other than that after many emails, we're still interested in each other and would like to continue to learn more. It looks like we're going to meet up with them in a couple of weeks and I think after that, we'll both have a better idea of how/if we want to proceed. We do know that if we do proceed, we will still go through Nightlight. We would just enter in with them "prematched" instead of their workers doing the initial match.

So, we'll see. It's big news, to be sure, and I don't at all mean to sound underexcited. We're just trying to proceed cautiously and guard our hearts. I know my heart and I know if I commit to these children now, before it's prudent to do so, I'll be done, hook, line and sinker and retreating at that point would be devastating. We all 4 obviously want what's best for these children so I think all 4 of us are being pretty level headed about proceeding with both appropriate enthusiasm and caution. None of us wants to jump in carelessly, but we don't want to let the fear of the unknown dictate us, either. So we're all 4 proceeding as prayerfully and responsibly as we can, knowing that God has the perfect match out there for both our families and just waiting for Him to reveal to us whether its each other or not.

One thing I really have appreciated though, even if our conversations ended today, has been the opportunity to get to know the hearts of some genetic parents and really try to understand what's going on in their heats and minds. I have so much respect for this couple--they are working painstakingly hard to do what is best and right for these children. One thing is for sure-these kiddos are going to end up with amazing parents because so much care is being taken in selecting them.

I also appreciate the learning process it's been for us. We've had to think about what our non-negotiables are, what things we can really give up, and what things we hadn't even thought about before. The process has solidified our thinking in some areas, relaxed it in others, and still in others, expanded it. We've learned so much in talking to them, to other adoptive families and to our amazing caseworker at Nightlight Christian Adoption Agency.

I don't feel terribly comfortable sharing specifics about the family or the embryos, because they're not our children (even if they will be, they're not yet), so by answering, we'd be sharing someone else's family privacy. I'll share more if and when it becomes appropriate to do so but please forgive me for not taking those kind of questions at this time. If you have questions about us, fire away! :)

On the homestudy and adoption education front, things are ok. We're halfway through, which was a nice milestone. We're on the downward portion of the hill. The entire process has been sort of a let down. I feel like we paid the agency quite a bit of money and have learned remarkably little. We were told by someone (I can't remember who and in the agency's defense, it may not have even been them) that the home study is 70% education, 30% interrogation. We've found that nothing could be farther from the truth. We spend the HS visits talking about things we already know about ourselves, and the classes do little more than push the agency's agenda for one very specific kind of relationship with the biological parents. I understand it's necessary for them to interrogate us because they have to be wise and responsible when they write their report about us, but I guess I expected us to get something out of it too, and I don't really feel like we are. The classes are taught by a different person every week, which makes having a fluid dynamic hard. This last class was a huge repeat of stuff another teacher had already covered. We are enjoying getting to know the other couples but in a few cases, the teacher has put a quash on any social interactions with the other parents, even in non-instructional time. And no matter how many different ways they try to push this specific openness scenario on us, at the end of the day we are responsible for and accountable to God and our kids for the decisions about that dynamic and I really would like to be well-informed from an objective stand point. Questions are worded "What are the benefits of this kind of relationship?" rather than, "Are there benefits to this kind of relationship? What are they? What are some of the disadvantages?" "Studies" and "experts" are referenced, with little specifics given as to who or what those sources actually are.

I guess I always resist "one size fits all" approaches in any non-doctrinal area of Christendom--worship, evangelism, church style, leadership, marriage, parenting, discipline, etc. We may ultimately end up at the same place the agency advocates (though I doubt it) but I want it to be because we've prayerfully considered and logically researched all angles--not just the singular view they present.

Maybe my expectations of the process were wrong. I'd be interested to hear from other adoptive parents about what their HS process involved/involves. I was really wanting to learn constructive, concrete things, like age appropriate language for adoption, ways to introduce it, how to celebrate while not communicating that the child is "different" or an outsider, how to educate family and friends. So far we've received a lot of lecture on why open adoption with direct relationship between kids and biological parents is the only way to do things 100% of the time. At the end of the day, I just don't think it's the Agency's place to make that decision for us.

Fortunately, Nightlight (seriously, I love them!) has been much more "neutral" and has helped balance the equation for us, as have other adoptive families. Don't get me wrong, we absolutely believe in full disclosure about adoption and about the special way in which the child will have come to join our family, and we want enough of an open relationship to know who the genetic parents are, what their cultural and medical history is, and how to put the child in contact with them at age 18 if the child so chooses, but beyond that I think there is a lot of gray area that's going to vary from family to family, based on family dynamics, child(ren)'s temperament and mental capacity, and other family factors that just aren't universal.

So anyway, didn't mean to get off on a tangent! I'd love to hear what the HS and adoption education process has been like for other families. Maybe I just came in expecting the wrong thing and that's ok. In the mean time, we're supplementing with readings and counsel from other sources to fill in some of the gaps. We're confident that God will lead us to the right decision for our family and certainly the HS and Adoption education have given us some things to consider and factor in, and I'm confident that they're sincere in their efforts to do what they think is right and honoring to God and the children involved, but I guess I just feel less equipped than I expected to be at this stage in the game. Maybe that's my fearful nature kicking in too, who knows.

Gotta run. I've been operating in slow motion all day (still feel like a truck ran over me last night!) but I've got to get to doing something! Hope you all are well. I'll try to make blog rounds this weekend!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

God is Generous!

Dearest friends and family!

We are so excited to share with you our prayers of Thanksgiving and song! God has been so merciful and generous to us. As of today, we have 100% of all of our adoption money! This includes the money for the Arizona Agency (already paid in full), the Home Improvements (everything purchased already is paid in full), Nightlight's fees, and the Frozen Embryo Transfer fees, as well as a discretionary fund for small expenses like Fed Exing documents (and the actual embryos!), court fees, etc.

I wish I could begin to tell the story of all the miraculous ways God has provided. I've tried to share some here but if I gave you the full details, we would be here for hours! The long and short of the story is that the methods have been so miraculous, so unexpected, and so improbable, that it is undeniable that the provision has been from the generous Hand of God alone. To Him alone be the glory and honor and praise! We sit at His feet, humbled again that He has lavished so much upon us, after giving us so much already! God indeed is unique in that even after giving His Son for the sins of the world, He has seen fit in this season to spill our cups over with His gifts of generosity, provision, and happiness!!

What this means for us is that as soon as the Court certifies our Homestudy, we can immediately turn it in to Nightlight (whereas before we were expecting a gap as we saved the remaining money) and then have our interview with them, at which time we'll enter the matching process. So, this does not hasten or change this current part of the process, but honestly, wrapping my head around everything He has already seen fit to give us is enough!

Thank you for rejoicing with us!!

Friday, March 28, 2008

We have a date!

Our Caseworker called today to schedule our first homestudy meeting. It's set for April 25th, so just under a month from now. I'm trying not to be too anxious about it but fortunately, I have much to keep me busy between now and then!