I've been refusing to think about the looming holiday all week.
We attend a very small church. I am the only adult woman (that I know of--there used to be another but I haven't seen her in a long time) who is not a mom or with child. Every year, they ask all the moms to stand up and be recognized. It's so humiliating to be the only one over the age of 25 still sitting, especially because I want so desperately to be standing. I feel conspicuous and ashamed. We were in California last year so I didn't have to go but this year we are home. Also without fail they do a hymn-sing where the congregation requests hymns to sing. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love hymns. I worship through them in a way that I just don't in contemporary music. The kicker? They do this hymn-sing only twice a year. On Mother's Day and on Father's Day. And only parents are invited to participate in requests on their respective days. Ouch. I just wish churches would don't things like that. I understand the point to honor mothers but I don't think that requires a big spectacle.
So I'm sort of dreading it. But I think I'll dread sitting home even more.
See I'm in sort of a quandry. This is the first year that there is any sort of real hope that maybe in the next year or so I'll join the standing crowd. On the other hand, it's also the first year we've ever had the solid "never" with regards to biological childbearing and I admit I still do mourn that loss sometimes. I struggle also with the fact that because there is such real hope, our children are so close, and we're still not with them yet. Yet I also feel a little sad that I'm mourning our infertility when I know they ARE out there so I have cause for rejoicing and hope. So it's a big mixed bag of conflicting emotions. I'm trying to not decide today how I'm going to feel then so that I don't get hung up on forcing myself to feel that if I don't. If I do ok, I do ok. If I don't, I don't.
It's also hard because both DH and I have wonderful mothers. We don't at all want to take away from honoring them so I feel almost ashamed of my heartache. Then we'll repeat the whole song and dance all over again with Father's Day. What a great dad my sweet DH will be.
So anyway, friends, we're praying for you and know you're praying for us. I imagine many of my readers out there are experiencing similar struggles. This isn't going to be an easy weekend for any of us, but we take comfort in knowing we are not far from the heart of God. I hope that comforts you! I know I'm clinging on to it for dear life!
If you are not in our boat, please take the time to remember your friends who have suffered from infertility, miscarriage, still birth, child death or failed adoptions and know that they are needing extra measures of God's tender mercies this day.
