Oy vey, I'm so unoriginal. I can't even tell you how many posts on our personal family blog have the exact same title as this post! =P
We went to my OB today. I think that we're coming to the decision that after my next ultrasound and/or the completion of treatment for my newest cyst, we're going to be in the market for a new OB. Part of our frustration comes from the fact that he's Catholic and we're Protestant so sometimes the differences in our approach to the bioethics of reproduction, therapies and technologies leave us feeling judged. I also feel like we don't get a straight answer in cases where he personally objects to the subject (sample collection methods, ARTs, etc). Until now, I've always appreciated that he's Catholic because when it comes to pro-life issues, I am as, or nearly as, conservative as the Catholic church and they've done a spectacular job championing the unborn where the Protestant church has failed miserably so I've often looked to them rather than my own branch of Christianity for guidance. I rested in the knowledge that we could always trust that anything he would recommend to us would be life and marriage honoring. But as we go further up and further in to this journey, we're coming to disagreement on some of the fine points, we're growing increasingly discouraged in our efforts to get solid medical information from him sans religious interpretation. I affirm his desire to practice medicine as a solid man of God but we believe different things on some pretty fundamental issues that is making it difficult for all of us to feel comfortable in this process.
Additionally, he has only been completed with residency and in his own practice for a couple of years so I think both his bedside manner and his experience with IF patients is lacking. Additionally as I've mentioned before, his practice has grown leaps and bounds since we first started seeing him in its infancy, so a lot of the personal care we valued has been exchanged for a "you're a number not a person" system.
On the other hand, I really value having a doctor who errs on the side of life. I really value going in to his office and everywhere from his literature to the art on the walls, marriage and family are honored and valued. We'll never have the experience of walking in to an exam room and finding a wall full of porn magazines, as was our experience at the specialist's office. And from a physical sense, every actual examination and my surgery have been as gentle and skillful as possible, leaving me with less discomfort than I've had with any other doctor. And if we ever did actually get pregnant, bar-none he is who I'd want to do the delivery.
I think where we're at is wanting to finish his treatment for my current cyst, and then move on to somewhere else, but in such a way that the door is open to go back to him if we ever get pregnant. But I'm a huge people-pleaser and I'm a big chicken so I don't want to leave and have him take it personally and for me to feel embarrassed if we come back in the future. So, it's a little ways away but I'd appreciate your prayers as we start to look for a new OB. I'd really love to find a Christian in a private practice that accepts our insurance and which provides the highest level of skill and care. How's that for specific ;)
The doctor did tell me that he does think I can physically carry a child. He did caution us against various risks associated with different procedures and medications bu he does think I can safely carry especially if I continue to improve factors like my weight, diet and exercise. So we were encouraged to hear that. DH was smart enough to ask the question-it had never even crossed my mind. I'm thankful that the answer was positive because otherwise I think I would have been very much caught off guard.
The end result of our meeting today is I think that DH and I are in more agreement on which ARTs we will pursue and which ones are out for us. I feel comfortable with our list. We've been in disagreement with each other about a particular procedure (which is actually the one that gives us the most chance for a biological child) and we've always said we'd defer to the more conservative opinion but I think after our meeting this morning, we are more in agreement than we were before. That's gratifying to me and an answer to prayer for me because I was the more conservative of the two of us. I think I would have always wondered if DH resented that I wouldn't try that one more thing that could make this happen for us. I know his heart and I know he wouldn't have but I think I still would have always felt guilty, though I am at peace with the decision as far as my conscience is concerned. So I am glad that we have harmony now and neither of us has to wonder if we denied the other something.
I'm also glad that we have our list in what I think is its finalized, or close to finalized, form before our next meeting with the specialist in two weeks. I feel like we're much more capable of making a level headed decision now than we were when we first got our diagnosis and than we would be if put again in a similar situation. Now I pray for the fortitude for both of us to stick to that list and if we alter it, may it be for the right reasons!
If you can't tell, I tend to think and talk myself in circles, to the point of exhaustion, so it's really freeing and a huge answer to prayer to have this particular aspect behind us.
Well I've gotta scoot. I'm going to try to fall asleep earlier tonight which means starting that direction earlier.
I hope you all are well! To my blog buddies--I'm WAY behind on catching up. I did a lot of reading today but I only made it partway through my list so I hope to do more tomorrow. Thanks for reading even though I've been a bit of a slacker! Have a great night!
