Blessed are the Barren

Blog Moved

2010-01-06T00:30:00.001-07:00

I have moved my blog. Please Email Me if you would like the new address.

Loss

2008-11-23T20:38:00.002-07:00

Our babies are now safely in the arms of Jesus. They will always be in our hearts but it was not to be that we would hold them here and tonight the Lord called them home. We miss them so much already. We'd appreciate your prayers as we grieve our loss and celebrate their brief little lives. We'd also appreciate your prayers that the miscarriage would complete itself naturally so that we can avoid surgery.

I have moved my blog to another server where I can control the readership a little more. If you would like the address and password, please let me know via email (you can click the link on the right). In your email, please tell me who you are.

Down to the wire with the kitchen!

2008-11-20T22:16:00.003-07:00

My BIL came down this last weekend and he, DH and my brother got all the cabinets installed-yay! Now my bro and DH are working on the counters. They were just installing the last piece and one they installed already broke, so we're stalled again til tomorrow! Bummer! I know that's got to be frustrating for them, too! They're working so hard and I know they're frustrated! Too bad Home Depot isn't 24 hours!

We're trying hard to get it all wrapped up this weekend because we're still on tap to host Thanksgiving, and my parents come on Tuesday, and I want to get my carpets cleaned between now and then, too! Phew!

Nothing much is new on the pregnancy front. My morning sickness has kicked in but isn't unbearable yet. Let's just say Saltines and pop are my friends!

Hope you all are well!

Beta # 2

2008-11-17T13:38:00.003-07:00

We had our second beta draw this morning and the number was 428. It needed to essentially triple by today, so 428 is well above that! We're excited! The doctors are confident enough that they won't do anymore draws. They'll do an ultrasound next week and then another a couple weeks after that. Possibly by next week and definitely by the second one, we'll be able to see the heartbeat(s)! And the nurse today changed my due date to July 22 instead of 21. Thanks for celebrating with us!

So far I feel pretty much the same. I have some heartburn and I'm more tired and hungry than usual but otherwise I feel like myself! We praise God for that, too!

A Long Awaited Announcement!

2008-11-13T15:35:00.009-07:00

We have finally received the news that we have hoped for for almost 5 years. What a precious never-before-seen sight for our sore eyes.

We received this Monday night, just one week post-transfer.

I wanted to come and post here right away but we just finished this morning telling our immediate friends and family by phone and visit. We're over the moon.

We had our first beta draw this morning. The doctor just called a little while ago and said that the number was 117. He actually said that's "very pregnant." We had a little scare today too but he is confident it's nothing. He did tell me to rest the rest of the day but he's sure everything is fine. We have another beta on Monday. I am eager to see what that will be!

We're over the moon. We're overwhelmed. We're excited. We're humbled. We're grateful. We're....so many things that I can't even put in to words right now. We know these precious little ones belong to the God who created them and we are just so thankful that He has allowed us to be their parents. Words can't describe the depths of our gratitude and praise.

We'll know sometime around Christmas or just after if it's one baby or two. Right now the estimated due date is July 21. It could change-we'll know more once we get to Ultrasounds.

Thank you for rejoicing with us!

And without further ado, the ticker. Don't ask me why it says I'm more pregnant than the babies are old. Apparently they calculate all pregnancies this way-starting from the last period, which is actually before conception. It makes no sense to me. But this countdown does take us to the right due date.

The Cat's Out of the Bag!

2008-11-04T20:58:00.004-07:00

This has been a LONG couple of days. And this is going to be one of those "good news, bad news" kind of posts.

The bad news is that DH had a severe reaction to a medication last night that made him so violently ill that we finally decided that an Emergency Room visit was in order. They pumped his stomach to get the medication out but the tubes were also pulling up blood. They did a CT scan and an ultrasound to check for internal damages and when they couldn't find a cause, they decided to admit him. As of this afternoon they decided that the most likely cause of the continued bleeding was some tearing in his esophagus so when he was able to make it through a fluid breakfast and solid lunch without further incident, they released him. We got home around 4:00 this afternoon, with an appointment scheduled with our regular doctor tomorrow morning. He's very tired and sore, but otherwise seems to be ok. I wasn't completely satisfied with the hospital though so I'll be glad when we talk to our Primary Care Physician.

The good news is that I was unable to go with Todd to the emergency room or be at the hospital until this afternoon. My sweet brother came over and picked him up and took him last night and stayed all night with him. Attempts to cryptically (but honestly!) explain/excuse to family why I couldn't be at DH's side failed so we decided to tell and the cat is now out of the bag. We had our first Snowflakes Transfer yesterday morning. Doctor ordered bed rest for a minimum of 24 hours following the transfer (standard procedure) so when DH got sick at just shy of 12 hours into that 24 hours, there wasn't much I could do to help except lay on the bed and communicate with my brother by phone.

We thawed two embryos. Both survived the thaw and we transferred both. The Embryologist said the embryos looked good and so far as we could understand, everything went as planned. We're very excited, though DH's illness rather overshadowed things and our strongest feeling right now is just exhaustion!

Here is the babies' first picture. The one attachment shows two separate photos. Each photo shows one embryo. The part clustered in the middle is what will become the baby (God willing) and the ring around the outside is what will become the Placenta. The "bumpy" mass in the middle represents how these tiny little ones already have innumerable cells. In younger embryos you would be able to see each cell individually but these have grown so much with so many cells that they're all smushed together and inseparable. The photos were taken right after they were thawed so the inner cells were still shriveled up like raisins. They eventually did expand and fill up the whole "ring." These photos were taken with the Embryos under significant magnification. Right now they are still small enough to be all but invisible to the naked eye.

And since the cat is now out of the bag I can post about our last few days.

We spent most of last week and weekend relaxing. The doctor basically told me last week to rest as much as I could, eat right, and do whatever I could to get to a state of relaxation. So I enjoyed some pampering. I had a few chiropractor visits. I had my hair cut and colored (to get all the highlights out so they don't grow out and look weird by the end of pregnancy!), and took lots of naps! It was a nice, peaceful week. We did work on the house some but DH ended up getting sick (just a regular cold--before all this hospital stuff) and so things got put on hold on Saturday so we could both rest--hoping he would get better and praying I didn't get whatever it was (and so far I still haven't, thank God!)

Sunday afternoon I had a light massage. Sunday night we had dinner with my dad, who had just arrived to town to MOVE HERE =) and my brother and his girlfriend. Then we got gussied up and went to the Melting Pot for dessert-my favorite! We had a lovely, romantic evening.

Trying to take a picture with the Fondu pot

Better! Thank you waiter-dear (bonus points if you get the reference!)

Then we picked up the dogs and went to my brother's house (where my dad is staying) and hung out. We came home Sunday night and just snuggled and watched movies. We opened the Pregnancy Journal I'd purchased in hope and faith and each wrote letters to the babies. We prayed and then DH gave me another massage and we turned lights out at 2:00. Naturally, I couldn't sleep--I think I finally drifted off about 4:00am!

We woke up and had a breakfast date at our favorite breakfast restaurant. I couldn't hardly eat anything but I did get a few bites down. I was starting to get really excited and my stomach was doing cartwheels!

Then we were off to the clinic. I meant to bring a sign with the date for this photo but I forgot. We tried to get the sign on the window in the picture but try as we might we couldn't.

Once inside there was another couple there for an FET so we made friends. She was so sweet and helpful and talked me through a lot. To our surprise, we had a different doctor than our own and he was very unpleasant. He told us absolutely nothing before, during or after the transfer so the other lady was really sweet in filling in the gaps for us and giving us advice and letting us know what to expect. We've since learned from several other friends who used this doctor that he pretty much skipped Bedside Manner 101 (and 201 and 301 and 401...) but he IS very skilled and they all have successful transfers by him so we're trying to focus on that.

While we were waiting DH put his hand on my belly and prayed for the babies and me and the doctor. Then we just waited and did the potty dance with the same nice lady, now in the next bed.

So far as we know, the transfer went fine. Dr. Meanie didn't tell us anything despite our questions but I'm just trying not to think about him because like another friend who just had a transfer said said last week, I'm on a beach, I'm on the moon, I'm not stressing :D

We tried to get a picture after the transfer. This is my pathetic attempt to prop myself up from being upside down. I look drugged, hot and tired, but I never did feel any different from the Valium, which I was glad for. Here's our first "Family Picture"

All through the procedure I kept asking for the picture the embryologist had given us, asking for "our babies." I held on to that picture and only let go when DH wanted a glance. The doctor wasn't compliant with our request to let us see or know what was going on with the procedure so we didn't get to see the actual transfer itself but these pictures were wonderful to have to focus on :)

I lay there for a while and then we came home, ordered take out for lunch, ate, and then slept until dinner time (finally turning off the phone after the bajillionth political call!). I woke up and wanted more of the same take out (hey I can say I'm eating for 3 now right?) and for a lot of the night we just hung out and watched football.

Then late last night is when DH got so sick. So I think we really still have a lot to process but I'm hoping we can do more of that tomorrow after we've both slept. It's been a surreal couple of days, all over the spectrum of emotions and experiences.

We would still like to plan to tell the results of the transfer in our own way, at our own time, so please help us by resisting the temptation to ask for results =) We don't know them yet anyway (it's impossible to know this soon) but we'll certainly tell you all when we do, whether it's good news or bad.

Thank you all for hanging in there with us on this roller coaster! I hope you all are well and I'll try to catch up with my blog buddies over the next few days.

We covet your prayers that the babies would grab on and grow and that DH would continue to be on the mend!

Hugs to everyone!

Silence and Bunny Trails

2008-11-02T03:29:00.006-07:00

It's 3:30 am and I find myself completely unable to sleep, largely due to the massive amount of hours I slept during the day today, having still been plagued by significant medicine side effects.

I wandered on to the bulletin board of my University and found the third or fourth discussion I've read in as many years about the nature and purpose of marriage. As usual, some young students and alumni were elevating biological procreation as the highest hall of human happiness and indeed, the best purpose of marriage. Infertility is an affliction or a punishment, and those who suffer from it are missing out on some part of God. This particular discussion wasn't so bad, but others in the past have been (my favorite are the posts from unmarried freshmen who pontificate on the purpose and ideals of marriage!) and reading this one recollected the others to me and reproduced and reinforced my general reaction.

These discussions always irritate me. I usually find myself first irritated at the speaker of the "argument" but I am quickly moved to impatience with the general ignorance in Christendom about infertility. I hate that the church has been so silent on it.

But I think the problem goes even deeper than that. We have a general ignorance about adoption too. We talk in flowery words about the beauty of being adopted as Christ's own, and we pick up our picket signs that say "Adoption not Abortion" but I think this is the extent of the average Christian's exposure to adoption, save maybe a little more if they have a friend who was adopted. But then our language betrays how little we either understand or esteem adoption. "Did you adopt because you couldn't have children of your own?" "Don't worry-just adopt and you'll get pregnant." "This is the Jones' adopted daughter Suzy."

How much are we actually doing to understand this precious illustration God has given us here on earth? What do we do to help the young girls in need besides pointing them in the direction of a Crisis Pregnancy Center? Do we try to understand the living picture of Christ's love in action in the dynamic of the families we know who have adopted? Do we take interest in legislation and movements that would support those families affected by it? Do we study what Christ meant when He gave us this example? Do we even understand what we're saying when we claim we have been "Adopted as Sons?" I really don't think so. Because I think if we did, if we really truly did, that would translate to action and adoption would look much different. I realize not every family is burdened or called to adoption issues and I'm completely ok with those folks, because I know God has called and equipped them elsewhere. But I think a lot more are called than are currently active, especially in Christendom and especially as a global organization.

So why is the church silent on these issues? The church is largely silent on things like birth defects, disabilities, persistent or terminal illness and bad things happening to "good people" too. I think it's because it doesn't fit in to our box of God. We can explain forgiveness. Most of us sin and are sinned against every day, so we have lots of practice in this arena. We can proudly embrace the sinner turned from a life of drugs, violence, promiscuity, or even apathy or unbelief in the name of God's grace and forgiveness and changing power.

But what do we do with the folks who don't fit in to our mold? How does that challenge our view of God? We seem to be unable to say "We don't know why God did this or made you this or that way or didn't fix this or that problem." We want an explanation when the only answer just might be "Because He said so." What do we do with that? How do we live that in action? I realize you can't walk up to a person and say "Well, God made you that way, tough." But there is a precious peace that comes with accepting God's plan, even if it's a deviation from "the norm" and realizing that in that, He is still good. Why does that deviation make us uncomfortable? Why are these people "exceptions" to our praxis rather than a part of our daily framework and ever expanding view of God? These folks were known, loved and named in their inmost being, too, and there are no flaws in God's handiwork. What does it say of our view of God when we don't know how to reconcile these "exceptions" with the box we've put Him in?

I wish the church would not be so afraid to speak on God's "bunny trails." The road less traveled is a beautiful one and I pray that you are invited on its precious journey one day. I challenge us all to evaluate those stereotypes and assumptions we take for granted. I challenge us to deliberately expose ourselves to a bunny trail and someone on it. I promise that expanding our view of humanity and God's role in it will expand our view of Him and His vast richness and goodness. I believe that God created so many variations of the human story because one standard model of a healthy married couple with 2.4 children, a dog and a white picket fence couldn't possibly display or contain all that He has to show us and all the ways He wishes for His glory and majesty to be known.

It is now almost 4:00 am so if my thoughts are scattered or incoherent, forgive me!

Snowmen

2008-10-30T15:18:00.003-07:00

It's true that all-things Snow related have come to take on a different meaning in our home, but this isn't exactly what I had in mind!

It looks like it's snowed in my house. There's a layer of drywall dust over EVERYTHING because the guys didn't remember to seal off the kitchen until it was too late! I've just resigned to the fact that the house won't be truly clean until this is done.

But the good news is that the end is in sight, we think. They textured last night and provided it dried properly and meets their expectations, they'll prime tonight. Then we'll paint the ceiling tomorrow and paint the walls on Saturday (I finally picked a color! We're going with color #3, which is a 75% shade of my favorite color). We don't work on Sundays so hopefully Monday night after work they can start putting the cabinets in and we'll maybe be totally moved in to our new kitchen by the following weekend. I hope!

I had the most awful migraine yesterday that I've ever had in my life! I did go to the chiropractor and the good news is that he confirmed that everything is physically fine, so the problem is most definitely hormone related. The bad news is that because it's hormone related, there's not a darn thing I can do about. I've never been hungover but I imagine that what I feel like today is pretty close. Yesterday was a medication change so it could have been worse because of that, and we're due for another change tomorrow so I'm praying I don't have round 2! Other than that things are the same around here!

Baby Brynn and momma Sara are still hanging tight! Soon they'll be full term-a true miracle! And blog buddy Jon is a proud new papa-stop in and congratulate him on the birth of baby Samuel!

Until next time...

Home Improvements and Gymboree

2008-10-25T23:24:00.005-07:00

The house is STILL a disaster although we now have a fully drywalled ceiling again! Woohoo!

I've now got 6 different colors on the wall and am still no closer to choosing one. My sister in law is really good at choosing paint colors. Hmmmm, we have Rent-a-Jeff. Wonder if she'd go for Rent-a-Samantha? At this point I think I almost rather someone make the decision for me. I never want to see another version of tan, beige or light brown ever again! This shouldn't be this difficult! I love the two darkest colors in this photo, but we're concerned it will be too dark. So the other colors are our attempt at compromising to get something lighter but still with a depth of richness to the color. (Don't worry, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you-the same colors are repeated several times because I pained them next to each other in different combinations and in different light situations.

I did try to actually be helpful today, but I can't hold up drywall for very long by myself (though I did it for two huge pieces! Got my workout!) and my attempt at drilling the screws in left me with an eyeful of drywall dust-ouch! I did a little mudding too. That was kind of fun and reminded me of many house building mission trips from highschool and college when we stuccoed the whole house by hand, with stucco we mixed completely by hand! In any case, I think they decided that I do best at the current moment as official event historian and photographer. Ergo:

Aye, the mess!!!

I'm also sent to Home Depot. Often. During the rest of the day, I've busied myself trying to minimize the mess in the rest of the house.

I've also decided that Gymboree is evil! Over the years of our IF journey, one of the therapeutic things for me has been to occasionally add a piece to my hope chest. I try to do it just once a year--this year I added a couple more things to commemorate important events. None of what I have in the box is expensive and I usually try to steer clear of the expensive stores altogether. But Gymboree just makes the cutest stuff so occasionally I window shop. I've had frequent exposure to their cuteness because my other Sister in Law has the most well-decked-out little Princess you'd ever see and she could be a little Gymbo model. But Gymboree's prices are stinkin outRAGEOUS! Seriously, their clothes cost more than I'll spend on myself! My SIL is a really good Gymbo bargain hunter between outlets, consignments, sales, and ebay--I'm thinking she'll need to teach me her ways! But for now I generally stay away from their website because it's very easy to get carried away. See no evil, do no evil, right?

But, one of our Snowflake Mommies sent around an email though that they have Snowflake stuff in their new line. It's just as ridiculously priced as the rest of their stuff, but seriously, did you ever see a cuter little dress?

The detail around the bottom is a bunch of little silver snowflakes.

With the little tights and hair bows that match

And for when a little girl is a little older they have this

Suffice it to say, I wanted to click "Check Out" very badly! But on principle alone I can't spend $67.50 on one and a half outfits for any child, especially one who isn't even here yet, much less assured of being a girl! But I just might have to check back in a few weeks and if it goes on clearance, I just might have to consider buying it. Children's clothing marketers are some of the savviest people in the world. They know how to go straight for a momma's heart! Can't you imagine Baby Someday's Christmas Pictures a few years from now wearing that darling little outfit? Ah, to have hopes and dreams of little feet again brings such joy to my heart! Ah well, enough!

A quick update on earlier prayer requests. Blog buddy Sara and baby Brynn are hanging tight. Baby Brynn is doing fantastically but her momma could use our prayers for her own wellbeing as she tries to hang tight for Brynn as long as possible! But God has already done many miracles for this precious family and we rejoice with them in Thanksgiving!

I'm doing much better on the medication. I even upped my dosage earlier in the week and it doesn't seem to have been too terrible. I had a rough week for a lot of other reasons, but I'm really glad that the medicine wasn't worse! So I've been glad for the relief. I add another medication next week so I hope and pray that transition is smooth.

Other than that, it's business as usual around here! But that also means church still comes bright and early tomorrow morning so I best get to bed! I hope you all are well!

What We Wish You Knew: Adoption Terminology Education

2008-10-21T11:10:00.016-07:00

I was watching the news last night and they were covering a story about a Corrections Officer who was recently murdered. The reporter said "He was the father of an adopted son, and he and his wife also had a child of their own on the way." This kind of language is something adoptive parents encounter often. I really think it's so frequently spoken out of sheer ignorance and not malice. Language is such a powerful thing and even the slightest nuance can communicate a very different message than the one intended. Another blog I read occasionally is doing a "What I Wish You Knew" series so I thought I'd follow suit and take this opportunity to educate.

So, to that end, please allow me to share the following:

Adoption is a beautiful word that should be celebrated! In most families, adoption is not a secret and it is an integral part of a child's personality. Adoption is a positive word, should always be referred to and with accordingly, and not talked about in secretive, tentative or negative tones and terms.

However, there is a proper time and place for all discussions, including those about adoption. While "Adoption" is a beautiful word, it is not always a relevant word.

Often times folks will refer to a child as "So-and-so's adopted child" just as the reporter did last night. However, I urge you to consider this: parents do not walk around introducing their child as "my biological son Billy" or better yet "my honeymoon son Billy" or "my test tube baby Mary" or "my one night in Vegas twins." Good adoptive parents do not introduce their child as "our adopted daughter Suzy." Biological children are not qualified in introductions and how they came to join a family is usually not mentioned in passing conversation.

Likewise, how and when an adopted child was born to a family is often irrelevant to the conversation at hand. These children are no different than biological children and deserve the same courtesy paid when introducing them. While adoption is beautiful and should be celebrated, often an explanation of which children share the same DNA as whom is offered to point out difference, and that difference is often irrelevant. What matters in most cases is that Billy and Suzy are the children of John and Jane Doe. Period.

However, if distinction must be made, please consider these ideas. First, please refer to an adoption in past tense. A child was adopted. It is not ongoing. The commitment to the child has already been made and the grafting in as part of the family has already taken place and is completed, not in transition. Just as being born is a one time, past tense occasion in a life, so is adoption. A child "was adopted" rather than "is adopted." Referring to it in the present tense implies that something is unfinished. As children who were adopted can struggle with feelings of loss or a sense of "betwixt and between," reinforcing their solid, secure place in a family helps cement the message that they do belong.

When distinguishing between children biologically related to the parents, please use the term "biological children" rather than "own children" or "natural children" or "real children." Children who were adopted are their parents' own, they ARE natural (as opposed to the opposite, which is "unnatural") and they are legally, their parents' "real" children. I tend to shy away even from the term "miracle baby" because all babies are miracles-biologically related to the parents or not. Adoption is a miracle, too, just of a different sort.

The most respectful way to refer to the adoptive parents is just as the child's "parents," with no qualifiers. If a distinction must be made, "adoptive parents" is appropriate. The respectful terminology we've been taught for the adopted child's biological parents is as "birth parents" or "biological parents" (or in the case of Snowflake Adoptions, "Genetic Parents" or "Placing Parents") as opposed to the frightfully-oft spoken "real parents."

Also, the term "giving a child up" for adoption is outdated. The term harkens back to the days of Orphan Trains when children were literally held up. Terminology like this does not account for the intentional decisions made in contemporary times by a birth parent who chooses adoption out of love because he or she thinks it is best for the child. A better term is "place for adoption" or "make an adoption plan" because these terms recognize the intentionality on the biological parent's part.

I believe that honoring adoption by the deliberately choosing our language when referring to it honors all the parties involved in the adoption triad, and is in the child's best interests. Using precise language enhances both our compassion and our accuracy.

If you've said any of these things to your friends whose families were built in whole or in part through adoption, don't fret! These are things we hear dozens, if not hundreds of times and you learn to just sort of dismiss it. But I can tell you that if you make an intentional effort to use the correct terminology, your friend will notice, and will be blessed by it and appreciate the time you have taken to learn more about their family's precious dynamic.

UPDATE: The reporter wrote back! I'm so impressed. My letter to him actually contained much of what is in this post-I just copied and pasted pieces of the letter here. He was very receptive! I am very impressed. To give credit where credit is due, thanks Peter Busch from KPHO Phoenix! I look forward to your future stories about families built through adoption!

Edited to add: I realize that adoption has not always been beautiful, pleasant or respectful of all parties involved and that it is always difficult for the placing parent(s). I know there is a sad time in our history when biological parents had their children stolen from them in the name of adoption, or all but stolen. I don't disrespect the loss experienced by those people at all or legitimize the system that victimized them. I also know that there is a completely different set of rules and language when interacting with a large number of adoptions from this era and the people involved in them and that no semantics will heal those wounds.

But I firmly believe today's system is vastly different and that the majority of today's adoptions in this country are legitimate and that's the framework in which I advocate this specific language.

However, specifically because of the history of the adoption world, I encourage anyone considering adoption to always use a legitimate adoption agency and/or adoption attorney. I'd even go so far as to implore you to choose a service that also has sound services in place to protect and serve biological parents. In our Agency's case, the birth mother gets her own caseworker, whose sole responsibility is to help the birth mother make the best decision for her and the child. Sometimes that means choosing to parent, and sometimes it means making an adoption plan and the caseworker helps with both. We valued that they have staff committed exclusively to helping the birth moms so they can feel as secure and at peace about their decision as possible.

And certainly if someone's specific experience colors certain terms and they make their preference for different language known, the respectful thing to do is to use it.

I think they just like to break stuff

2008-10-19T23:26:00.010-07:00

Don't get me wrong. This DEFINITELY needed updating, both for aesthetic and functional reasons:

(notice the drop in oven and low yellow fluorescent lights that spanned most of the room)

and it was clear that our we-can't-afford-to-do-it-all-now-but-we-need-to-do-something temporary fix from a couple years ago wasn't going to cut it long term: (partially because you couldn't have the lights on and run the microwave at the same time without throwing the breaker--the home builders ran the microwave electric lines off the DOORBELL! We've decided that our house must have been built by crazy people or drug users--the only two possible explanations for all the nuttiness we've discovered in this house over the years)

So I knew that some demo had to be done. Out with the old, in with the new, right?

But really. I think they look like they're having entirely too much fun here, don't you? I think they just like to break stuff! (DH on the left, Rent-A-Jeff on the right).

And they didn't stop there, either.

(Oh and we were greatly amused to find that the kitchen had previously been painted a "lovely" applesauce color--a perfect compliment to the groovy lemon colored countertops! =P Seriously, who does that?)

So that was our weekend? How about yours?

And I've decided I'm thrilled with having cooked in advance. It's been so nice to not have to try to cook in that mess. I did find a small space of counter today to make the roast and the lasagna that I didn't get to earlier in the week but tomorrow the mess and work start back up again so we'll go back to freezer dining. Speaking of roasts, why have I never tried crock pot liners before?

And there's somehow a cricket INSIDE one of our new kitchen cabinets, which are providing his performance with lovely acoustics!

That's all from our crazy home! Hope you all had a nice weekend. And if you don't hear from me again soon, send in a search and rescue team!

Once a Month Cooking, Home Remodeling, and Transfer Meds

2008-10-16T00:07:00.004-07:00

Does anyone do Once a Month (or once a week) cooking? Not the kind of once a month cooking where you eat takeout the other 29 days ;) ....the kind where you cook an entire month's worth of food in one or two sessions and then freeze it?

Because I knew THIS was coming...

I spent the day cooking a bunch of meals for us so that I wouldn't have to try to cook in this mess and so we wouldn't have to resort to takeout.

The days' results?
•2 Meals of Baked Spaghetti
•3 Meals of Chicken Enchilada Casserole
•2 Meals of a Dish my family has always called Chinese Casserole, though there's nothing Chinese about it
•2 Meals of Chicken and Stuffing Bake
•3 Meals of Ham-Tot Casserole
•2 Meals of Chili
•2 Meals of Chicken and Rice

I also have two meat loaves that I made the other day. Tomorrow I'm making a lasagna (enough for 3 meals), a double batch of beef stew, cornbread for the chili, and maybe a chicken broccoli bake. (Fortunately I bought most of the ingredients for these things today so I know where they are!) Theoretically, after these things are done, I shouldn't have to cook until after my kitchen is put back together.

Today's cooking took me about 4 hours, plus an hour of shopping and an hour to package and label everything and organize the freezer. The cleanup took some time but even it wasn't too bad.

I thought about it and I was so pleased with how little time it took compared to how many meals it produced. I typically spend an hour to an hour and a half on making dinner each night! I'm thinking I may endeavor upon this again!

My one complaint was that a lot of the recipes from my book that are freezer-friendly are casseroles--heavy on the cream soup and/or cheese. Great tasting, bad for the diet. It's hard to reheat lighter fare things like grilled chicken. I did find some recipes tonight that are basically frozen marinades and you still cook the night of--I may try those when I have meat that's not already frozen. It'd still be easy to pull a bag out of the freezer, toss it in a dish and put it in the oven. That would allow for some lighter recipes.

Does anyone else do this? Have you found it to be helpful overall? Do you have any recipes or words of wisdom to share?

In other news, my home is a total disaster. So much for all that nesting! We decided to go ahead and replace the kitchen cabinets. We also found some vanities for the bathrooms on clearance. So every free inch of space has some kind of cabinet on it, be it an old one or a new one! The kitchen cabinet contents are in boxes on every table we have and I generally feel like the house looks like a tornado went through it! I'll be glad when this is done because the disorder is stressful!

But the great news is that God was very generous to us in purchasing our home improvements. Through various coupons, sales, clearances and negotiations, we've ended up with 20% to 60% off everything that we've bought, saving thousands of dollars off of what the project easily could have cost and what we were expecting to pay. And my brother is an absolute wizard when it comes to all things handy (I decided he should open a business called "Rent a Jeff") and he has graciously given us his time and talents to spearhead the work! (We help, but we're Tim and Timmitha Taylor when it comes to handyman things!) We're just overwhelmed with God's provision and generosity!

Hopefully this project will be done soon!

One minor prayer request: I'm on my next med for the transfer. It's very unpredictable. At times I'm 100% fully functional, and at other times, it totally wipes me out with a severe migraine and/or total exhaustion. The inconsistency is almost as frustrating as the side effects themselves because I can't get in to any kind of routine! I'd appreciate your prayers for relief from the side effects. There's also another kink in my body's cooperation with timing--we'd love your prayers that that gets straightened out, too. But speaking of side effects, I'm a little dizzy at the moment, so I'm going to sign off!

One last thing before I do, though. Please keep Sara and baby Brynn in your prayers. Sara has a number of complications that are making little Brynn try to come early. She's 32 weeks now so well out of danger she could have been even just days ago, but still much earlier than is best. We're not sure if she's in labor or not--the last update on the blog seemed to imply "maybe." Please keep them in your prayers and pray that Baby Brynn will hang tight a few more weeks.

Night, all! Love and hugs to everyone.

National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance

2008-10-15T00:22:00.018-07:00

Today, October 15, is a day set aside to honor the lives of the precious children lost in miscarriage, abortion, SIDS, stillbirth and infant death, as well as the parents who have lost them. While I am grateful that one small blessing of permanent infertility is that we have never had to endure the pain of losing a child, so many of our friends have and that pain is close to our hearts for them. I am reminded that my mom lost my little sibling in miscarriage 16 years ago. She lost two others as well, but I don't remember anything about those situations because I was so little. But I distinctly remember being in my tweens, waiting for baby to arrive. I remember my parents' pain.

In your prayers and meditations today, please remember especially your loved ones who have lost a child.

I know that these women among my blog sisters have lost children. Dear sisters, I honor you, and your precious children. You're in my prayers today. If you have a chance, I encourage you to pray for them and perhaps even stop by and leave a note for them (click their names to go to their blogs). If you're a blog buddy who has lost a child but is not listed here, I apologize for my oversight. I tried to find everyone I knew had suffered a loss. If you'd like to be included, please let me know.

Amie who lost Marylou Janice late term to a twin pregnancy complication

Angie, who lost Audrey Caroline shortly after birth due to conditions that made her incompatible with life

Suzanne, who lost precious Snowflakes after transfer

Trisha, who lost her sons' triplet brother AJ shortly after birth from complications due to Triplet to Triplet Transfusion syndrome

Lena who recently lost a child in miscarriage, as well as two prior to that.

Christy who recently lost a child in miscarriage, and another previous to that

Sunny who lost a child in miscarriage

Charlotte who lost a child in miscarriage

And my friends D, E and L but I don't know if their losses are public knowledge so I won't post more. Ladies, you know who you are!

Blessings of mercy and comfort to you today, dear sisters!

Preparing the Way

2008-10-10T16:24:00.002-07:00

We have a transfer date! We're not sharing when it is (I've been so proud of myself-I've actually been able to keep this secret!!!!), but it is sometime within the next six months.

I'm in Thursday morning Bible Study at church and one of the activities we had to do a couple of weeks ago was to compare the traits of the Holy Spirit with a random word we were assigned. My partner in the activity and I received the word "an organized person." We had a few minutes to talk and ponder and I was reminded again that one of my favorite identities of God is that He is a God of order. Oh how I wish I manifested this particular characteristic with more consistency!

The transfer seems so close, yet still very far away. We're still very decidedly in the double digits (there's a hint--the transfer is somewhere between 10 and 99 days from now!) I have a little countdown clock on my computer that's constantly ticking away, reminding me how much time (too much!) is left. I've started the medications to prepare and that's given this all a new depth of reality. I've begun to want to organize, clean and prepare everything in sight. Is it possible for a woman to have pre-pregnancy nesting?

I've been working on purging old belongings, cleaning more regularly, establishing new systems, catching up on things long unattended to and just generally making sure things are in order. I've even started Christmas shopping and creating a plan to premake meals and freeze them so that if I'm too tired in pregnancy, I can just pull things out and reheat them without DH having to be responsible for feeding us. Part of it is just to keep my mind off of the wait but I'm also enjoying becoming more disciplined in my homemaking.

I've been worshiping a lot to the song "Worship in the Waiting" by FFH (gasp, yes, I, Jen, just admitted to liking a CCM song!) ;) It makes me think a lot about intentionally waiting, and preparing. Waiting in life is inevitable. But how we spend the wait is not a foregone conclusion.

With the advent of Christmas I think about how Mary must have been anticipating the birth of Christ. How do you prepare your heart for something like that? I can hardly wrap my mind around it. How close her heart must have been to the heart of God. I wish for the same!

And I think about how we are to be preparing with our lamps always ready for our precious Jesus to return. In that sense, our entire life is a wait. Are we spending it in diligent preparation for His coming? Are the corners of our hearts redd up and turned out? Is the state of our minds company ready? Do we do the chores of this life with obedience and joy? Are we actively trying to prepare the way for Him? I know for me, I can't say that the answers to any of those questions is yes all of the time, or even most of the time. So I've just been meditating a lot, searching my heart and mind and trying to learn from this waiting period. I think about how eager I am for these babies, and I think about how much more full God's heart is for me and all of His lambs. That sounds so "me focused" and that's not my intent. But it really is humbling to contemplate the love that the God of the Universe has for us and how patiently He waits for our hearts to surrender in abandon. I tend to avoid thinking about it--it's easy to dismiss in the name of piety and selflessness. But in moderation, I do think it is an appropriate part of meditation. "How Deep the Father's Love for Us..."

So while the impulsive, impatient part of me would probably trade waiting for just about anything else, I've appreciated the things that it has taught and is continuing to teach me. God is indeed generous and patient with me!
Hope you all are well!

Totally Off Topic: Amazon Prime

2008-10-07T13:30:00.002-07:00

DH and I joined Amazon Prime a few years ago and we love it. You pay an annual membership fee and then all books, movies and music are shipped 2 day air for free, as well as a lot of items from their other departments. It's so nice to have things in 2 days, and to not have to be able to meet order minimums. The buy-in is a little high but we found it to be worth it because otherwise we were always adding a few dollars here or there to reach the minimums for free shipping. I buy books, movies, music, housewares, electronics, appliances and even groceries through amazon--the free shipping comes in especially handy with the heavy stuff. We've used it to buy snorkel flippers, my camera lens and and air mattress-all with free shipping. Free shipping makes Amazon's prices often better than the stores.

Right now they're offering a free trial of their Prime Membership. If nothing else, you could do some early Christmas shopping during the trial! Check it out here! The deadline is October 31 and the trial lasts a month. Perfect for the holiday season! If you sign up now or later, would you pretty please follow my link here to do it? We get a bonus if you sign up (even if you cancel after the trial) which helps us with OUR Christmas shopping =)

Documents

2008-10-06T09:42:00.002-07:00

Hi Friends,

We're preparing for our first Frozen Embryo Transfer, which will be completed, Lord willing, in the next 6 months.

Our next step is to complete the paperwork with instructions about thawing, transferring and discarding embryos. Fertility clinics are, as a rule, very statistics and results oriented, and the life of each individual embryo is of little consequence to them as attempt to accomplish their goals.

The contract is currently worded with lots of provisions for destruction and selective reduction, as well as an overarching disclaimer of "when in doubt, the clinic decides." We have the right to change the contract, but the process of doing so is very stressful both because it puts us in conflict with the Embryologist's general policies and because we want to make sure that we leave no stone unturned in delineating every possible scenario, leaving no room for loopholes--a difficult process when the language is so scientifically technical and complex. We are committed to giving all 12 of these embryos the chance at being born, regardless of the Embryologist's opinion of their condition or chance for pregnancy. Under no circumstances do we want any of them discarded, nor will we consider selective reduction for any reason.

Despite these wishes, I have heard many stories from IVF and Snowflake Mommies, including our own Genetic Mother, about doctors trying to change those instructions even up to and on the day of the transfer, including while the woman is already medicated and on the table! Suffice it to say, this leaves us feeling very nervous, especially because we differ so fundamentally with our clinic's general policies concerning the value of life. I fear being accidentally persuaded to something we would never do, or leaving the power to for someone else to do something we would never do, out of sheer ignorance to all the ins and outs.

Would you please pray for us that we would have the wisdom to spell out an exacting, precise contract that leaves no room for question or error? Would you pray that we would clearly outline our expectations and that the Embryologist would clearly understand, respect and abide by them? Would you pray that our babies will be honored and protected and that we will do right by them? We know that their lives (and eventual deaths) are in the Hand and Heart of God, but we want to also make sure we are being responsible as we make decisions about them and their care. Above all, may God be glorified in this and all things.

Todd and Jen + 12 (and Lewis!)

The Babies are Here!!!

2008-09-25T12:52:00.002-07:00

We got the news this morning that the babies have arrived at our clinic here in Phoenix! The Embryologist said that so far as she can tell while they're still frozen, they're no worse for the wear from the travel--I don't think I can say the same for DH and I! I could hardly sleep last night. I dreamed about them while I was sleeping and then I was up at 3:00 thinking about them and woke up at 6:00 again for good. My stomach was doing cartwheels and I've been a wreck for 3 days! But by God's grace they're here and safe and now we're ready to rest easily. My BFF said we experienced our first worried-parent episode! Man, that's a powerful force!

Thank you so much for joining us in prayer and thanksgiving!

Todd and Jen + 12

Weekend Respite

2008-09-21T21:23:00.003-07:00

Update on the babies: Still no update :( My cycle is still out of whack, though all the testing says there is no medical reason for it. The doctor's best guess is stress. We can't move forward with anything until this corrects itself. So these last couple weeks I haven't been hiding--just haven't had anything new to share-literally. So we're just in a waiting game. We can't even start talking dates until that happens.

But we did get away this weekend. We drove down to a U-Pick orchard in Southern Arizona. We got a little carried away and ended up with 60-75 pounds of Asian Pears and Apples. Guess we'll have plenty for cobblers, sauces, jams and breads! We also have plenty to share. Then we went to a U-Pick farm and we picked much more conservative amounts of fresh green beans (my favorite!), bell peppers, tomatoes, chilis, cucumbers, zucchinis and squash! I'm looking forward to putting it to good use. It was a long exhausting day though--the drive is just over 6 hours round trip, plus the time actually picking out in the sunshine. I was in bed by 9:00 last night! Today I made my first batch of apple sauce and I'll be making apple bread tomorrow.

Here are a few pictures from our day. I'd love to go down earlier in the season when there are more varieties of fruit left to pick. I'd also love to go in the spring when everything is blossoming and just walk the fragrant orchards!

Hope you all had a nice weekend!

My handsome hubby picking green beans

More green beans in front of us. Squash and eggplant behind us and maybe other things too?

Look at all those apple trees!

And big beautiful Asian pear trees behind us here

The Babies are Coming, the Babies are Coming!

2008-09-16T17:59:00.003-07:00

Hi friends,

We weren't originally going to announce this, but I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets, so here it goes.

The babies are coming!

Our 12 Precious Embryos will be shipping here next week via Fed Ex (more efficient than the stork ;) ). They will ship Monday-Tuesday or Tuesday-Wednesday, depending on when a cryogenic transport tank is available. We'd love your prayers that the airplanes and trucks involved would be protected from breakdowns, accidents, detours, paperwork mishaps, weather elements, logistical errors and other failures or delays that could place these precious little ones in jeopardy. The tank they are shipped in has a limited amount of Nitrogen which is ample if things go smoothly but in the event of a significant delay, there would be a risk of the nitrogen running out and of the embryos thawing. The process typically DOES go smoothly so we don't think there's an abnormal rate of risk. We know that these precious babies are in the capable hands of our Great and Loving God--we pray for His guidance and protection as He uses FedEx to bring them to us.

Still no news on a transfer date (and hopefully, I will be able to keep THAT a secret. My body is being wiggy. I've been in a few times for some diagnostic tests and we think we've got to the bottom of things but we'd appreciate your prayers that everything goes back to functioning normal so we can move on to start thinking and talking about an actual schedule for the transfer and all of the preparatory steps involved. Thanks!

Update: The babies' confirmed arrival date is Wednesday, September 24, so they'll be in transit Tuesday-Wednesday. Thanks for your prayers!

Howdy!

2008-09-08T11:03:00.002-07:00

Hi everyone,

I hope this finds you well! We had a really busy week and weekend. We've been working on home remodels and found some awesome clearance bargains at Lowes and Costco for our bathroom and kitchen. We also gave DH's office at work a makeover so we did a lot of painting and furniture assembly, too. It looks really good and I'm glad that he now has a peaceful, organized office--that always makes work so much more bearable.

Not much else is new on our end. We're just really busy! Hope you all are well!

Signed!

2008-08-31T18:02:00.006-07:00

Our contract has been signed, notarized and returned along with all of our remaining money. There's nothing left to do from our end except wait for the babies to get here!

Our GPs emailed to tell us that they had signed and returned their contracts, too! As soon as Nightlight receives them all (hopefully Tuesday!) they can send paperwork to our doctors for review and then ship the embryos!

We're at the end of what we'll share about the process until we have a confirmed pregnancy. Diana sent me a note that said:

Your EA timeline is really racing along!! October (target date, right?) is coming up quickly!! You know what that means, don’t you? Everyone who reads your blog is going to be giving you “the look” come October 1st and saying, “Well???? Well??? Well????” LOL

That's precisely why mum (or hopefully, MOM) is the word from here on out. =) We lost a lot in infertility, and one of the things we're trying to hold on to is the joy of planning how we want to tell family and friends that we're expecting and then getting to share the news with them in celebration. It won't be a total surprise in any event, but at least this way we can hang on to a little bit of the surprise element, and then also have the freedom to tell people when we're ready. Also, if for some reason God wills that the first transfer won't take, we'll have the opportunity to grieve privately without unwitting "look" and "Well?????" spoken in anticipation of good news.

Thanks for your understanding! We've been so public about our journey and we do want to publicly celebrate if and when the time comes, but all in due time!

At this point we don't know how long it will take the doctor to review everything and give his approval for our clinic to receive the embryos, and we have no idea where I'll be at in a cycle when that finally happens, so the time line at this point is still a mystery to us, too! But we're praying that it's soon! And we'd love your prayers that it's soon, too. We'd love your prayers that the Embryos arrive here safely, that they thaw successfully and that the transfer will be successful!

I'll still be blogging, I just won't have specific updates about the process.

Thank you!

In other news, check out this crazy lightning storm we got the other night. I felt like I was in an 80s discotheque! This was through our front window. (Unlike DH, I wasn't crazy enough to go out and stand in it!) At this point in the storm there was no thunder, no rain, and very little wind. It was very eerie!

Small Update

2008-08-28T00:45:00.003-07:00

Our contract arrived today. Woohoo! We'll get it notarized and then send it back! The GPs have their contracts too. Once those are sent back, they have 3 days to change their minds and then we can move forward.

I talked to our Embryologist today. He's very nice. We've never met him but our RE was pressing us to talk to him. I was resistant because of language our RE had used about "selecting" and "grading" embryos and the "best ones to use" and I was afraid there would be a lot of pressure to make decisions about discarding or reducing embryos. But to my surprise, Megan told me yesterday that she's talked to this Embryologist many times and that he's very supportive of EA and Nightlight so she encouraged us to contact him. The conversation went very well and he sounded very enthusiastic. I read him the information our GM gave us and he said that everything sounded wonderful! He also said their process of reviewing everything will go quickly. Yay! Still no concrete ideas on a timeline, though.

I posted the rest of our vacation pictures. The link is the same as before but it contains additional images now.

Hope you all are well!

We're Home!

2008-08-25T20:32:00.002-07:00

We're home, safe and sound. We're still sick, but we're home. I was able to squeeze in to the doctor this afternoon and they're fitting DH in before he goes to work tomorrow so hopefully we'll be on the upswing soon.

No contracts yet. Things got stalled a bit on the agency's end but I was told they went in the mail this morning.

I'm too pooped to do an update. Jet lag, to-do lists, illness and husband's snoring kept me up until 9:00 this morning. I slept a few hours and then did the grocery shopping and that was about all I could muster. Fortunately, our host was a doll and insisted that we do our laundry before we leave her house (government's paying, why not!?) so all I have to do is unpack things.

But in the mean time, here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure. I have a lot of scenic ones but I haven't had time to sort through them yet.

Aloha!

Link to pictures

Hello from Hawaii!

2008-08-23T02:26:00.003-07:00

We have one more full day in Hawaii and then we fly home on Sunday.

The trip has actually been pretty disappointing :( I got really sick on our third day here and slept for almost all of days 3 and 4, and parts of every day since. I'm still not well yet. DH got sick yesterday and slept yesterday and today, so we lost 4 out of our 10 days, here. The first two days were pretty slow too as we worked around our host's work schedule. That was fine, but little did we know we'd lose an additional 4 days after that. So, we ended up crossing a lot of things off of our agenda and just sleeping and resting a lot. We're just really disappointed to have been so sick. Even if it didn't mean missing out on a lot of things we were looking forward to, being sick is never pleasant. We've both gone a good long while since getting sick, but of course this had to be the week we finally did. =P

We have done some things, including Pearl Harbor, which was our "must see." We'll see tomorrow how DH feels and hopefully we'll get a few more things done. We have had a nice time, we've just been a little bummed. The good news is, we're under our vacation budget by almost half =P (save spending a small fortune on Kleenex and Cold Medicine).

It's been nice to have DH for 10 days in a row--that hasn't happened for almost our entire married life! I love time with him. And I've loved the time with our hosts. The wife and I were college roommates and we've enjoyed "rooming" together again. And they've been wonderful hosts. The neat thing that being sick has afforded us is a lot of down time to just "hang out," talking, playing games, watching the olympics, cooking, baking and just doing life together.

We'd love your prayers that we have an enjoyable, illness free day, and that our hosts are protected from getting sick (they're both feeling a little "under the weather" today).

I'll post pictures and a recap of our activities when we get home! Aloha!

Oh yeah! Megan emailed to tell us that GP's paperwork is in and that they have issued contracts. They should be at our house by the time we get home. We can sign them and send them back and then move on to the next step. Woohoo!

Aloha!

2008-08-13T12:17:00.003-07:00

We leave in the morning for Hawaii. I'm looking forward to it, but to be honest, we could be vacationing in Barstow and I'd probably be just as excited. There's a lot of turmoil in the lives of some of our friends and that's been stressful and heartbreaking for us. DH is worn out at work. We're still tired of waiting on the adoption stuff. And it's blazing hot here. So, we're just glad to get away, period.

DH is really excited about Hawaii though, and so I'm excited for him. We're staying with my college roommate, so I'm really thrilled to see her. But at this point, I'm almost too emotionally exhausted to even be excited about the trip. The good news is that most of the packing and errands are done so I can keep a relatively easy pace today. I hope I can get some good sleep tonight so I can be fully rested for the next couple of weeks.

We'll be back in 10 days! Hope you all have a great next couple of weeks!

Waiting

2008-08-07T09:35:00.003-07:00

This is the part of the process I knew would come and which I was dreading a little bit. It's that time when we're waiting and have nothing more to do to speed up the process. We've done absolutely everything we can do and have done all of our preparations. Now we're just waiting on other people and the parts they each play in moving this process along.

And let me tell you! It's difficult not to be impatient. Every day I resist the temptation to call Megan just to see if she might say "oh by the way, everything's done!"

I'm looking forward to vacation next week and hopefully that will take my mind off of things but I had hoped to be able to sign contracts first so that the time we're gone isn't lost but I've decided I just need to let that go.

It's difficult to wait because everything else came so quickly. But our ticker passed 6 months a few days ago and it just reminded me of how long we really have been waiting for this. On one hand, a few more months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of years. But January marks 5 years since we decided we were "Open to Life" (neither preventing pregnancy nor actively trying for it).

It's hard because I want to be celebrating motherhood but it's not here yet. I catch myself looking at maternity clothes and baby clothes and having to literally remind myself "oh, not yet." It's amazing to me how subtly and naturally that transition occurred, even though it did so prematurely.

From a practical standpoint it's frustrating because we can't plan anything. DH has a bee in his bonnet about moving, our families want to make Christmas plans, we have to decide how much to put in our FSA next year, etc, etc, etc. For a major type A planner, all of this unknown is aggravating! I live in a state of "I don't know yet." I wish I could say that life will be the same if I get pregnant so I should just plan accordingly but I also know that we've waited for this so long, and PCOS poses such a high risk of miscarriage in addition to that, that I'm not sure that I'm really going to want to do much of anything but stay put and let baby cook. I'm not planning on being a nervous nelly about pregnancy but I'm also trying to plan for what I know about my personality and be realistic about my expectations for that time when it comes.

I'm sure somewhere in all of this waiting there's a good lesson to be learned. I sort of feel like we've done enough waiting already--how could there possibly be anymore waiting lessons left? (I kid, I kid...sort of ;) ) I know it will all come in due time but today I just found myself missing our babies. How I wish they were here with us already!

Q&A: "Why didn't we 'just' do IVF?"

2008-08-06T12:31:00.005-07:00

I've hesitated answering this question more than I already have because it's so delicate and it's my heart's sincere desire to avoid offending my beloved sisters in Christ, many of whom read this blog and many of whom have made the opposite decision.

But the question is repeatedly asked, so I'm going to attempt to answer it here, treading as lightly as I know how. These were conclusions we made for our family. I do think they were the most ethical choices in our world view, but I also freely admit that I don't hold a monopoly on understanding the will of God and I recognize His power and capacity to work and lead differently in other people. That's all I can really say without sounding either judgmental about others' decisions or weak-minded about my own.

I also wanted to explain my decision because I don't want there to be any misunderstanding about my opinion of people who do IVF or the babies born from it. I cannot explain how or why God would give other parents peace about a decision and me uneasiness about it, but I believe that He can, and I have to trust the sincerity of their faith and decision making when they say that He did. I don't understand it, but I can't question the veracity of their faith, either. And regardless of any method of conception, a child is never evil and is loved completely by the God in Heaven who created her. God knows that we wouldn't have our own precious children if not for the decision another family made to pursue IVF.

I've known for as long as I've understood IVF that it was never a choice I could make. The primary reason was the high number of embryos that are created in most IVF procedures. I knew that much, I made up my mind, and that was that.

Until last fall. When our first test results with DH came back, I was really caught off guard. I reevaluated everything I thought about fertility, medical intervention, family size, and the will of God.

I learned that it's possible to do IVF wherein you instruct the doctor to limit the number of eggs harvested, limit the number fertilized, and transfer all successful fertilizations. I believe this is the most life-affirming way to do IVF.

When we learned that, it really caused me to pause and seriously consider the procedure for us. At this point, my DH strongly wanted to pursue this option. We read literature, talked to other IVF mommies, and went to talk to my doctor, whose opinion I value.

My question for myself, for God, and for the experts I encountered was, "if we do IVF with these constraints, what then are the ethical considerations?" I wrestled with this for a long time. The added dimension was wanting to please my DH, who at that point fiercely wanted a biological child. (That loss was not as significant for me, though others were).

What I did know is that I wanted our minds made up and our lines in the sand drawn before we heard the final prognosis and what our options would be. I didn't want to end up in the position of making a decision based on the emotions born out of ultimatums and desperation.

We decided that we would pursue methods that restored our bodies to proper function (as we'd already been doing for 3 years with my PCOS) and methods that would help deliver things to the proper places (thus we would have considered IUI, and GIFT) but our boundary was actually artificially creating life through fertilization. We also chose to refrain from any procedures that would involve a third party for conception (Donor Egg, Donor In.semination, Surrogate). We didn't feel comfortable introducing that in to our marriage.

But beyond that, the conclusion I, and eventually, on his own, my DH (praise God for harmony!) came to specifically about IVF was that even under all of those constraints, there was a certain Agency executed by us in IVF that created a risk to the embryos that was additional to the risks inherent in spontaneous conception. The embryos are created but there's still only a fair chance that they'll actually implant after the transfer. Our position was that we would be creating these little lives without giving them a realistic chance for survival. We felt in that a culpability that we could not feel peace about.

Some people come to the conclusion that embryos are exposed to the same risk when they're created the good old fashioned way, in spontaneous conception after s.ex. We wrestled with that too, and believe me, it was very tempting to adopt that position. In the end we decided that in spontaneous conception, aside from good health and prenatal care, there is nothing the human can do to prevent or aid the embryo in actually implanting and growing to term. We felt that in IVF, by inserting ourselves artificially in to the creation of life process, we were taking on a moral responsibility for these little lives. Without very good, practically guaranteed odds, we just weren't comfortable with that risk.

Now, had the doctors told us that the odds of survival for an IVF embryo were exactly the same or better than the odds for a spontaneously conceived embryo, I can say it's very likely that we would have made a different decision, or at least strongly considered it.

But the rubber met the road that day in the doctor's office in January when the doctor said "Your only choice for a biological child is IVF." We had so much peace and courage about looking him directly back and saying definitively that we would not be pursuing that option. I don't know if I would have had that same resolution if we'd not already made up our minds, because the temptation for a biological child was strong.

Now, some people ask how EA is different. In our opinion, our Agency in Embryo Adoption has changed, and therefore has our moral responsibility. These little lives already exist. We were not Agents of their Creation, but we will be Agents for their Survival. Somebody must be. Their very existence demands that someone choose to fight for them. Now I must be clear here that we chose this route of great love for these children and a great desire to have them, and not out of some social campaign. But just as with traditionally conceived children in need of adoption after birth, someone must make that choice for them. So in our minds, there is a clear distinction between our opinions about the nature of their conception, and their worth as human beings and our (global) responsibility for them.

Here are a few questions from blog commenters--sorry it's taken me some time to respond.

How will you present these issues to your children. In essence, they will only exist because another couple made what is - to you and your family - an unethical choice.

It is true that they will have been born because someone else made a choice different than we would have made. But our children were always wanted. They were wanted by us and they were wanted so much by their GPs that they DID make the choice to do IVF. The teaching point for our children is that from even before they were born, there were two sets of parents who wanted them with their whole hearts and souls and in fact, God used our position against IVF to bring them TO us.

Me again. Have continued thinking about this. Guess it is no different than the case of an adopted child who was born out of wedlock to a single mom and then put up for adoption. The Christian adoptive parents will necessarily teach that out of wedlock sex is a sin, but they are glad nonetheless that it happened (??) because that bad act brought them their beautiful child.

I guess that's a good analogy. However I'll make the blanket statement that I don't think the nature of a child's conception has any bearing on that child's worth. Planned-for children born from consensual married s.ex are no more valuable or precious than children born from unplanned pregnancies, from unmarried s.ex, from ra.pe, or from artificial technology (which is not to compare or liken any of those things with each other). So I guess the take-home thought is that LOTS of us (myself included--the child of then unmarried teenaged parents) were conceived in "less than ideal" circumstances and we have equal worth.

I guess what I would say to my kids is that God used less than ideal circumstances (for I'm sure any IF woman out there would prefer having a body that works correctly and conceiving the good old fashioned way too), to bring them to us. And I'd say that I hope that they all always have the opportunity to have as many children as they like, the good old fashioned way, with their spouses. And if something else happens instead, we'll love them through that too.

When we looked at EA we were instantly uncomfortable. I think the main reason for me was that it seemed as I read some of the specific families who were looking for a family for their embryos many of their embryos were created out of wedlock. A donor sperm or egg that went to a married couple. We didn't feel comfortable with this so we are choosing to go a different route for additional children.

Wow, that's really interesting. We didn't really consider that factor exactly, but we did pause to think about whether or not we would accept a match using donor gametes. In the end we decided that the situation was the same--these were still precious little lives, in need of homes. We did pray for a match with a family whose embryos were 100% biologically theirs, primarily because we wanted to have as much historical information about the embryos as possible from a medical, genetic and genealogical standpoint, for the children's own future sake, and God honored that request.

But I can definitely see how you would be uneasy with donor gamete created embryos! I'm so glad God gave you such peace about your decision and that you have your beautiful DD!

If you are interested and/or if you have the time could you post about your views on IVF? Or point me toward a resource you might recommend? My husband and I (during our two years of IF and considering alternatives--including EA-- but God opened the womb in His time, instead) decided against it, but never could come up with any really concrete Scriptural reasons. A good Christian friend is now 12 weeks with their 2nd IVF (the first resulted in an early m/c). I would love to hear what you have to say on the topic.

Because these technologies did not exist then, it's difficult to find explicit teaching in the scriptures. Therefore I think where we are left is to take what we DO know and what it is explicit on and infer from there. I think God is explicit about his view of the sanctity of human life. He declared humans as "very good," the only time He used that superlative when describing His creation. He pronounced then and there a greater degree of pleasure with His Creation of humans than with any other of His creations. We are also the only of His Creation created in His image. By nature of the fact that we reflect and partake in the Divine, we are valuable and indisposable.

Jeremiah tells us that even before we were formed in the womb, we were known and loved by our Creator. That tells me that our worth is not dependent on viability or birth but is inherent from the very earliest moments of our creation.

Biology and science tell me that life begins with fertilization. From the moment the egg and sperm unite, the resulting creation is fully human in species, and is wholly complete in essential makeup within 24 hours when the DNA aligns and activates. At no point during pregnancy does the embryo or fetus change qualitatively. It grows larger, but it is in essence, the same being that it was when it was conceived. Since we know it is a life when it is born, I maintain that it was always a life from its creation, and didn't morph in to one at some point in the pregnancy. The ontological change was from non-existence to existence. I don't believe another one happens later on that would take it from existing but not alive to existing and alive.

Because that being is therefore a human life, I believe it is our obligation to protect it. We are told to "do justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with [our] God." I think it is just and merciful to defend an innocent, helpless life that cannot protect itself. We are told to Love God with all our heart, soul and mind. Augustine says something to the effect of "love God, then do as you please." I believe I am loving and honoring Him when I ascribe value to the Tiniest of his Creations and then act accordingly.

For us, choosing to refrain from IVF was the way we could find to best do these things and live according to these principles, as regards fertility treatments.

One resource I recommend for Christians at any point in their IF journey is The Infertility Companion. I reviewed the book in greater depth here. They do a great job of outlining all of the various IF treatments, from medications and therapies, to ARTs. They examine the positives and the negatives, and ask though provoking questions and provide a good evaluation rubric without actually making the decisions for you. It was a tremendously helpful resource to us. It is like an encyclopedia--you can read just the sections pertinent or interesting to you and they will still make sense without having read the whole book.

As I said, I don't presume to have the authority on God's will for ARTs, and it's possible that we're even wrong about His will for us. We think we've been obedient and that we are pursuing the path He has laid for us. I appreciate hearing the the stories of those convicted or led in other directions. In one regard, we all think we're right because why would we believe or behave according to principles we thought were false? But at the end of the day, I also know we are all sinners, at the mercy of the Lord Jesus. All each of us can do is to Love Him and surrender to Him, and then act accordingly.

Checking In

2008-08-05T22:13:00.002-07:00

I'm home and getting back in to the swing of things, just long enough to get ready to go again. We leave for HI next week!

My trip to CA was nice. I was there for 2 days in January for a trade show but I worked the entire time so it wasn't much of a visit. So besides that, I hadn't been out there in a year, which is unusual for me. We're so closely located that I usually get to go at least a few times per year.

I spent a lot of time with my parents. Unfortunately, my dad is the economy's newest victim, but what that meant for me was that he was home during the day, giving us a lot more time than we usually have when I visit and he works his crazy insane hours.

We did a lot of fun things--hanging out, movies, shopping and a studio tour in Los Angeles. It was fun to just spend some quality time with them.

Another friend from college is now living just over the hill from my folks so I got to spend a morning with her and her adorable little son, so that was great, too.

Another highlight was getting to have lunch with another Snowflake Mommy and her four kids, two of whom are Snowflakes. That was a real treat because I've gotten to speak with her several times over email and the phone, but she's even more great in person so that was neat. She also knows our GPs and has in general been a great support through this for both families.

I took one day and went down to the town our University is in and I connected with a lot of old friends who still live in the area. It was a whirlwind trip but it was really really good for me.

On that same day I was able to have lunch with our coordinator at Nightlight. That was a real treat, too. It gave the process a dimension of "realness" to me. I've felt sort of disconnected from everything, living so far away. Southern California has a built in support system of the agency itself and of the majority of its families who live locally but out here we're a little more on our own. Meeting her, seeing the office, meeting the other workers (including a former college classmate who now works there!) were all really neat opportunities for me. Plus, it was such a night and day difference from our experience with the agency here. Our caseworker here was great but I never really felt like we "clicked" with her and our experience with the rest of the agency...well, you already know that story. Walking in to Nightlight was SO different and I could sit and talk to Megan (caseworker here) for hours! It was really a neat experience.

I think one of my favorite memories of the weekend was going to brunch with "my kids." When I was in junior high and high school, I babysat the 5 combined kids of two families who were/are each other's best friends. I was also their Sunday School teacher, their camp counselor, their Pioneer Clubs teacher, their VBS teacher, and their children's church teacher. The oldest was a bit too old when I met their families and the youngest a smidge too young for me to know as well, but the middle three and I have always had really close relationships, even now. I stayed in touch with them all through college, connecting up with them every time I was home. Well now, the youngest of the three is in her senior year of high school and the oldest is getting ready to enter the Police Academy and is really serious about his darling girlfriend. I always love to see them so I was thrilled that they all made time to come see me and we enjoyed a few hours of catching up. Nothing makes your heart swell more than seeing kids you love grow up to be really good people who love the Lord and who love each other. I couldn't be prouder of them and I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to be a part of their lives and for them to be a part of mine.

I shared with them this weekend that I firmly believe God used them and their parents (one set to whom I am also very close) to fashion my heart for adoption. I couldn't love these kids more than if they were my own siblings or nieces or nephews, and yet I don't share a drop of DNA with them. Loving them has always been so natural. Loving my dad has been the same way. So in that regard, (the idea of loving someone as my own, though I'm not related to them officially), adoption has never been scary for me.

My mom and I also spent a lot of time going through my grandparents' old family photos. Some of them were more than 100 years old! She gave me some, and I scanned others, and I have the happy job now of trying to piece everything together. My grandma, though a owner of copious amounts of photos, was a little lax in the documenting and story telling side of things, so I've been pouring over photos with a magnifying glass and clues about dates gathered from wardrobes, lighting and props. It's been great fun and a real joy for me.

I've got another wicked migraine headache tonight. I used to get them 3 or 4 times a week and that went on for 7 years. I finally got some relief after we were married, and until recently, I only got a few a year. But this is the second one I've had this month. I'd really love for them to stay away so I'd love your prayers for relief from this one and for protection from an onslaught of more of them.

I'm back home now and have spent the last two days doing laundry, making a grocery list, paying bills and catching up on emails and orders. I officially announced that I'm closing my business, so I have a LOT of orders that people have placed since the announcement. I'm trying to get all caught up this week so I can spend next week just preparing for our trip. They're coming...slowly but surely, but they're getting done.

S&B (our GPs) wrote to tell us that they signed the relinquishment papers last week. I'm not sure what that means for us because it's not a Nightlight step. Nightlight thinks it must be a step for their clinic because Nightlight hasn't issued contracts yet. Pray for our GPs...this is a big, difficult step. It's sombering to think that any adoption and the family built from it is built from someone else's loss. That really hit me today and my heart was aching for our GPs. So if you think of it, pray for them. And pray for all of the families who choose to place children for adoption. I can't imagine that loss.

I have more to write but my head hurts too much to continue. As it is I've worked on this post for more than an hour, which is long for me. TTFN. I'm trying to catch up on blog rounds. I hope you all are well!

Post Mock Report

2008-07-29T11:33:00.002-07:00

I've only got a minute. My Sono-Mock went really well. It was much easier than my HSG (though I did take a Prescription Naprocyn and 3 Advil in advance this time!). I did have some pain and I was uncomfortable when I went to sleep last night after all the meds wore off but I'm fine this morning.

The doctor said everything looks awesome--very fit for a transfer. He also said the procedure went better and easier than it does with most people. It was so nice to hear that something is normal, and in fact, better than average! I went home, finished packing, and flew to my mom's last night. I had coffee with a friend this morning and now my dad and I are headed out to do some shopping.

I don't know that I'll update much this week but I wanted to check in. Thanks for your prayers for my Sono Mock. It was so, so much easier than the HSG, and I'm really grateful for that.

Definition: Sono Mock

2008-07-24T13:11:00.004-07:00

Jess asked me to define a Sono Mock, so here it is, as best as I understand it.

An HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) is a procedure wherein they use a catheter to fill the uterus with dye and put you under an xray machine. They're trying to fill the uterus and push the dye through your tubes for it to spill out the other end. Meanwhile, the dye is exposing the shape, size and condition of the uterus, tubes and ovaries on the xray film.

The "sono" part of this procedure (sonohysterosalpingogram) is similar, though they use saline instead of dye and it doesn't need to go up in to my tubes since they're just checking out the uterus, looking for anything that might be complicating to a pregnancy.

The "mock transfer" part is where they use the same kind of catheter they'd use for the actual embryo transfer and they're measuring the uterus, investigating the wall and the shape, looking for the most favorable position to "aim" for during the transfer itself. During the actual procedure they don't "implant" the embryos directly in to the uterine wall. They just transfer them to the uterus, much like would happen if they dropped down in from the fallopian tubes in a good-old-fashioned conception. The doctors aim toward the position in the lining thought to be most favorable, but it's still up to God and the body's process for the embryos to actually "grab on" and implant. The mock cycle is done to give them the best chance we can provide from a mortal standpoint.

They're gone

2008-07-23T21:40:00.005-07:00

Figures that we finally got a halfway decent picture of the four of us and in my ignorance to the new camera, I had it set wrong and the focus ended up misdirected and soft. Oh well, it will have to do. Baby was in the carrier on the ground next to us--he'd been fussy all day and we didn't want to disturb the calm we'd finally achieved by taking him out for the photo.

We spent as much time with them as we could in the last couple of weeks, including last night and this morning. They finally pushed off this afternoon-later than they would have liked but we didn't object to the extra time. I'm missing them fiercely already.

I've felt generally pretty crummy all week, between the sadness and stress of their departure, the fatigue from the work involved preparing them and from not being able to sleep for being up thinking about it, to a wicked migraine, and general monthly girl junk. Today the doggies (we have BFFs dog Molly for the foreseeable future) and I spent the rest of the day resting, watching TV and eating comfort food. A complete waste of an afternoon, but it was nice to just have an afternoon to decompress.

Tomorrow things kick in to gear again. We're going to my ILs out of town, for the weekend, then we get back Sunday afternoon. Monday afternoon I have my sono-mock, and Monday night I leave to fly to California for a week to see my mom and some old friends. During that time, SIL and her family will be here with DH (I'd already booked my trip when they said they were coming-I'm bummed to miss them!) so I need to make sure the house is company ready and generally attend to everything I've been neglecting the last two weeks as I've been at R&Ks house. Then 10 days after arriving home from mom's, we leave for Hawaii. So, there's much to do and little time to do it in.

We'd appreciate your prayers for safe travels for BFFs as they drive across the country. I'd appreciate prayers that I get everything done and I'd especially appreciate prayers for my SonoMock. My HSG was a wickedly miserable experience, and I'm fearing that the SonoMock (similar to the HSG, only with saline instead of dye) will be similar. I'd really love to not go through that sort of trauma again.

So anyway, we're in the middle of a long exhausting haul. It's not even 10:00 yet but I'm ready for bed. Night all

The Life of the Embryo

2008-07-22T09:51:00.009-07:00

A blog reader left the following comment on my previous post:

Hey Jen.

I'd be interested to read a post on your moral stance regarding this process. You put quote marks around the word "create" which sort of gave me pause. So these lives have been created, does that mean there are 11 or however many people? Do they each have a soul?

Just wondering what your thoughts are, here.

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to respond.

The life of the embryo is very perplexing for me so I'll try my best to explain what I think.

First, I believe that life begins at fertilization, not conception (the AMA defines conception as when implantation occurs-usually approximately 2 weeks after fertilization). I believe it's important to make this distinction because saying that life begins at conception gives scientists and doctors a free pass on what to do with the embryos in those two weeks between fertilization and implantation. It opens the door for justifiable embryonic stem cell research, cloning, chemical reduction and a host of other life dishonoring practices.

So yes, I believe these are 12 tiny little people.

However, I don't know when ensoulment happens. On the one hand, it's hard to define "human" apart from a soul (isn't that what makes us human after all?), but on the other hand, if indeed ensoulment happens at fertilization, I have no idea where the souls of these frozen embryos currently are. I don't know that I think that soul is suspended in time, but I don't know what alternative there is, either. So, all of that to say, I don't know. And I don't even know what I believe.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations." So I believe that some sort of pre-conception soul exists, even if just in Holy Intent and Idea. Whether every body conceived has a soul, or whether some perish in the womb as never were and never to be ensouled skeletons, I do not know.

However, in the absence of knowing, we must err on the side of caution, or in this case, life. We must behave as though each of those 12 embryos (and the 500,000 others in storage) is a fully ensouled human being, created in the image of God. That is why I believe so strongly in Embryo Adoption, though I could not reconcile myself to In Vitro Fertilization. In this case, those little Embryos (little lives) already exist, and are worthy of our protection, regardless of our feelings about how they came to be.

If we are wrong on this point and in the end all we've done is protect lifeless (or soulless) masses of cells, we are no worse for the wear. However, if we assume that they are not little lives and behave accordingly, and it turns out we are wrong on that, we will have committed sins of great depravity, and that is a risk I am unwilling to take, both for the sake of my own soul and for the sake of those tiniest of persons.

Edited:

Amanda then asked this in the comments:

I guess my question further is this, so if they are people, and may or may not have a soul, how do you feel about implanting several when you know they probably will not all survive? Especially when you've listed cases previously where someone had 11 embryos and that resulted in one live birth.

It seems effectively to be making the same decisions as in vitro fertilization without the immediate problem of you, personally, having given the order to create life.

Well, we would only transfer two at a time, because I am willing and feel I can safely carry twins if both were to implant. I wouldn't transfer more than that because I don't feel it would be safe for the babies.

If they don't implant, that's up to God. Transferring two embryos at once does not lessen either one's chance of implanting. All Snowflake families make the commitment to act as though all embryos WILL implant and therefore commit to only transferring at one time the number of embryos equal to the number children they would be willing and able to carry in one pregnancy, with a maximum of three. (The eleven embryos were not all transferred at once). Selective reduction is not an option.

At that point, I think the adoptive family has done all they can to give these embryos a chance at a full life. What happens beyond that is up to God. I liken it to the notion that it is a pregnant woman's job to care for her body and for her child and be responsible with prenatal care and her own behavior, but if all of that happens and a miscarriage still occurs, it doesn't follow that it was her fault or that it she should have never gotten pregnant in the first place.

So long as the EA family does all they can to ensure the best chance at survival for the embryos, including safe adoption, placement, shipping, thawing, transfer and storage methods, I think God is honored by that.

Also, isn't Embryo Adoption a perfect way of justifying IVF for people who have yet to undertake it? They may feel it is wrong, but upon learning of embryo adoption, would do it anyway because there is a way to "adopt" out the other embryos, thereby putting more embryos out there?

I wrestle with this too. I do know there are people out there who have chosen to do IVF because they know EA exists. But I also know there are couples out there like us. We were always opposed to IVF as a choice for our family, but knowing EA existed made that conviction a little bit easier to stick to when the doctor said those words, "You will never have biological children." Somehow knowing this existed removed some of the temptation to change our minds. I'd like to think we wouldn't have either way, but I do know that EA played a positive role for us.

Additionally, even if you removed all of those people (who do IVF because of EA) from the equation, there would still be hundreds of thousands of embryos in storage and so a method for saving those embryos would still need to exist. I do admit that it could become a vicious cycle but I don't think that we're there yet, or that the answer is not doing what we can. I know there are people who treat s.ex casually because they know they can place a resulting child for adoption. I don't think we should do away with adoption either, though I know there are people who use it to copulate with relative impunity (though placing a child for adoption is not without its own kind of trauma, either).

There's not an easy answer and I wrestle with it too. At the end of the day, I think EA is a necessary response to an unfortunate problem, though my preference would be that the problem of extra embryos not exist in the first place.

I know many good Christian people who arrived at different conclusions that us, others who changed their minds to or from these same positions after first acting according to the opposite decision, and some who remain undecided. I know it's not an easy decision for any family and I don't pass judgment on people who've made different decisions--this is just an explanation of where we're at as a family.

A GREAT Mail Day!

2008-07-18T15:36:00.005-07:00

I was stuck here all day waiting for Fed Ex to bring my bank cards (bank made a mistake and canceled my existing ones). Otherwise I would have been over at BFFs house when the mail came.

I was just laying down for a nap (this week has been really tiring!) when I heard the mail truck. I argued for a minute with myself about whether or not I should get up and check it but I told myself, "no, it's too soon." Well I finally did decide to check and lo and behold, the certification had arrived!

The date on the certification is 7 days after the court would have received the application. The agency received it within 7 more days. The agency notified us today, just 2.5 weeks after the initial mailing date of the application to the court. That's crazy fast! Rather, it's God fast! He's the only explanation for why things have moved so quickly and smoothly, and we give Him all the glory!

The other good news that came in earlier today is that I can go in for my Sono-Mock on day 1 of the next cycle! Once all that's done, we'll be able to do the transfer as soon as the embryos are here!

The next steps take a bit longer than I thought. We wait for our HS to be sent from CFCA to Nightlight. Then, if Nightlight has all of our documents and all of S and Bs documents, then they can issue contracts. If not, we wait for those first. We don't think there will be any delay here because both families have been pretty diligent about submitting everything.

After the contracts are signed, S&B's lab work can be sent to our clinic. Our doctor would then review it and decide if their blood work met our state's standards (every state is different and they're in another state so they would have been processed according to CA standards), as well as the clinic's standards (clinics can be funny about using embryos they didn't "create.") If that all passes muster, then Nightlight can send the Embryology Report to our clinic. Again, the doctor here has to review it all to see if everything meets the right standards, and if they'll accept them for transfer. Once THAT happens, then Nightlight can arrange for Fed Ex to move the Embryos. If there's something "wrong" then something else may need to be done on the GP's end but we won't know that til our doctor reviews everything, nor would they know to expect it either.

So the part with the doctor is what could take longer. Megan (Nightlight) said that more blood work or reports are needed about 50% of the time. She said doctors can take anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks to review the reports and make their determinations. Coordinating with Fed Ex takes a week, too.

The contract stage just takes as long as it takes everyone to sign and have everything notarized and mailed back. The transfer of information between clinics and getting the "all clear" can take anywhere from 4 weeks to 4 months. We don't really know since we barely know this doctor. Megan said the average is 6-8 weeks from start to finish. Fed Ex takes a week (though I can't remember if that's included in the 6-8 or not).

Then we could do a transfer the next cycle after all that is done. So it seems like October-ish might be optimistic, but we also know how quickly God has orchestrated everything else, so we are confident that everything will continue to happen in the perfect time!

Thanks for celebrating with us!

New Blog

2008-07-17T02:17:00.001-07:00

I've been really busy this week. I've been at BFFs house every day helping them pack and get organized. So I haven't had much time to blog or even think about what I would write if I did blog.

But, I did start a new project, which has been a good way to take my mind off their departure. It gives me something to do when I wake up in the middle of the night or too early in the morning.

It's my New Blog. I love the hunt of a good deal, so I thought I'd start a blog to track everything and share what I learn with other people. I know there are lots of other blogs like this out there, but I hope this will have a different spin. We'll see!

Let me know what you think and if you think it's even worth continuing!

TTFN!

Brokenhearted

2008-07-13T13:48:00.004-07:00

Our best friends ARE moving and now they're leaving in 10 days. Circumstances changed so they've decided to head out now instead of Labor Day and start his new job a month sooner. 10 days....

I hate this.

Gift

2008-07-11T12:53:00.003-07:00

We just received such a thoughtful gift from our GP Family.

They're dated 2004 because that's when these little embryos were created.

We have a tradition of giving each other an ornament every year. DH's parents started it with him when he was a baby and we have all of his childhood ornaments. My parents started doing it too when we got married and we intend to pass it on to our kids! These are such a precious addition...though when our kids are 20, not sure if they'll get to have these ones or not ;)

Thank you, S and B! We'll cherish them!

Scrapbooking

2008-07-09T14:56:00.003-07:00

I was looking through some old things today and found some scans of some old scrapbook pages I made.

I made this one on July 27, 2006. It amazes me how much things have changed, and yet how much has remained the same.

(Click to enlarge)

Journaling reads:

I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. It’s been one my favorite dreams throughout my life. Thus, it’s been incredibly difficult to discover that God’s plan for us in this season of our lives is different than my plan. We’ve longed and tried for a baby for 18 long months of heartache, tears, a little patience, lots of impatience, a PCOS diagnosis, surgery and difficult medications. I was sad for a long time. Every pregnancy announcement from a friend cut me to the core. I thought about all time that elapsed as their grandparents and cousins got older. I thought about those awkward family moments when everyone else is busy with their children and we just look at each other. Slowly, God began to teach me that my identity and purpose are not defined by my goal or ability to be a biological mother. I may never be one and my life is still rich with purpose and potential. How much do I miss if I constantly yearn for what I do not have instead of relishing what I do? I began to not be saddened by the longing of the thoughts of the baby we don’t have, but to take joy in the anticipation of the baby we will, Lord willing, one day meet and in the mystery of God’s greater plan if we don’t. If you ever do come, Baby Someday, know that you are already the most loved baby I know. Know how long we’ve waited for you and loved you. Know that your life will be a celebration of the God who gave it to you. And if you never come, we take heart in the knowledge that, though we don’t understand, as a dear friend says, “When He Who can does not, it must be better so.”

I made this one sometime last summer:

Journaling reads:

"I love this picture of you and Renee. You have such a sweet look of joy on your face. I know one day, God will honor our hearts' desire by giving us a family and when that day finally comes, I know you'll be the most wonderful, loving, doting, selfless father. I can't wait to see that."

I haven't scrapbooked since doing this page actually. It became too difficult because I couldn't get past the thoughts of "why are you doing this? You aren't going to have any children...no one will ever look at or read these!" Then when I overcame that, I just couldn't find the time or desire to do it. But how grateful I am today for these keepsakes of our journey. I can look at them and reflect on all that God has done over these years.

An Announcement

2008-07-08T17:31:00.006-07:00

Hi everyone,

Last night, we received the following email from the couple we met last week:

So......without further ado, [Genetic Dad's Name] and I would absolutely love for you and Todd to be the adopting parents of our precious embryos. We think you and Todd are wonderful people and we can't think of a more perfect couple to love, raise and adore any children that hopefully will result from this adoption. We can tell that you are going to make fantastic parents.

We hope you feel this is the right match for you both and we anxiously await your answer.

This was the answer we'd been praying for! So this morning, we called them and happily accepted.

There's so much I want to share about our story...how God knit it together, how He prepared our timing and our desires, how He orchestrated our conversation and how he even matched us with a couple so similar to our own selves in so ways. I'll try to take the time in coming weeks to begin typing everything up!

In the mean time, we are officially happy parents-to-be. There are 12 Embryos, all in the blastocyst stage (day 5 or later--great for implantation potential).

10 of them are frozen in pairs, so that is how we will thaw and transfer them. The other two are each frozen individually and we will either thaw and transfer them together or pair each one with another pair and have two transfers of 3. Assuming at least one embryo from each pair survives the thaw, we'll have 5 or 6 transfers.

The number of live births that will result from these embryos remains to be seen. The first Phoenix Snowflake family had 11 embryos, which resulted in one live birth. Another family we know lost a lot of embryos through 4 or 5 matches, and finally had two children. Our Genetic Family had 5 successful implantations out of 8 embryos, and 3 live births (and 1 miscarriage of twins). So it really can be all over the map. We could end up with 1 child, we could end up with 12. If I recall one of her emails correctly, their embryologist thinks that the most likely number is 3, maybe 4 (though for the life of me I can't find that email so if I'm remembering wrong, S, please forgive me!). It really is anyone's guess and all in God's hands. We're sure He already knows the size family He has for us so we are resting in that.

The next step is to wait for the homestudy comes back. Even though we are matched, we still can't move forward without that piece. When it comes back to our caseworker here, she'll transfer it to Nightlight. Once that is done we can enter the process of signing actual documents. The other family with have 72 hours from date of signing to change their mind. After that, our coordinator at Nightlight will coordinate the shipping of our embryos from their clinic (in the San Francisco area) to our clinic here, which will store the embryos and eventually do the transfers.

We will update when our homestudy is completed and when we sign documents and perhaps when the Embryos safely arrive in Phoenix. But we are not planning to announce in advance (even to family!) about when the first transfer will be so that if it is successful, we can enjoy the process of planning and surprising friends and family with the news, and also so we can protect the information if we find ourselves wanting to wait a little bit longer in to the pregnancy before we share. And, if the transfer is not successful, we can grieve in private and not have the pain of answering "how did it go?" a lot of times over from everyone who'd know to ask 10-14 days after the transfer date (about when a pregnancy test is conducted).

It's still a little while until we get to that point but we're telling folks now so that when the time comes, we can be cryptic without seeming secretive or intentionally hurtful. What we can say is that if things go smoothly, a transfer could happen as early as October-ish. But we won't know more til later.

So, that's our news! We're very excited! We are very eager to share our story with anyone who could benefit from it so please feel free to ask any questions!

Thank you for celebrating with us!

Blood Test Results

2008-07-07T12:58:00.003-07:00

Woohoo! Everything for both of us came back normal. We were slightly concerned about DH's cholesterol because our life insurance agent told him their test gave them a high number. But this test said the number was fine!

We were also concerned about my Glucose and Insulin levels. Glucose was normal. Insulin was "slightly" elevated, which is normal with PCOS + Insulin resistance. I'll be calling her after their lunch break to see how high it is.

But everything else is normal! Oh, and now I know my blood-type, which I've never known before.

Woohoo! Another check box cleared!

Prayer Request

2008-07-07T08:23:00.009-07:00

Disclaimer: The below information is not public knowledge yet. If you know the people in question, please keep this information confidential. I am allowed to post it here, because 99% of my readers don't know them, but for the few who do, please keep it under wraps.

Our best friends invited us over today and when we got there, they sat us down to "talk about something." I knew something was wrong. R (the husband) is accepting a job offer in Chicago. They leave next month.

They don't want to go and we don't want them to go but he's been trying to find a new, better job here for a long time with no success. Taking this job would enable K to stay home with M (godson), which is what they want. Plus, he'd be working for a company that values and respects him (this is the company he left when they moved from Chicago 3 years ago).

Those are really great things for their family. I just wish they could find those same things in a job here. They want it too, so the 4 of us (and anyone who will join us) are praying that in the next month, God would move mountains to give him a good job HERE with the salary they need for her to stay home. They've said that if He does that, they will stay. It's all of our hearts' desires for them to stay.

Meanwhile, I'm doing the best I can not to fall apart. I cried a lot yesterday and woke up a lot during the night just thinking about it. Just typing this makes me feel ill. I'm distressed and sad at the prospect of losing them. I don't want to miss out on little M's life, and I don't want to miss out on R and Ks, either. Pregnancy and adoption and parenting seems a lot more frightening without their support system. It was a dream of all of us for our kids to grow up as playmates and for the 4 of us to grow old together. Both K and I had sort of gypsy childhoods so we were reveling in the fact that we had both finally found solid, long terms friendships-a luxury neither of us had when we were younger. Losing my best friend from college for reasons that are still unbeknownst to me was traumatic. Like, it changed who I am traumatic. I'm just so tired of loss and starting over. I wasn't even looking for close friends when we met them because I didn't want to take the risk. But we met them and there was no turning back.

Because of them, Phoenix had finally started to feel like home for me. I finally felt like I was putting down roots of my own here, not just inheriting DHs. I've never really wanted to live in Phoenix and the first several years of our marriage were hard for me because I didn't have many friends here. I was really lonely. I do have friends now, but she's the only one I have that true kinship and sisterhood with.

Our hearts are broken and so are theirs. Would you please join us in praying that it would be God's will for them to stay here and that He would provide the means for them to do so? I want what's best for them. I just want that best to be that they stay here.

If they move, we'll all be driving to Chicago Labor Day weekend. That's just too soon...

We have amazing friends...

2008-07-05T10:47:00.006-07:00

We have a friend, Amie, from college. We were friends in college but traveled in different circles of closer friends so we didn't keep in much touch after graduation.

We got back in touch within the last year and have bonded over grief. She lost one of her daughters in late pregnancy death, and I suffered the much smaller loss of infertility. Through our different experiences we've shared pain, encouragement, thoughts, discoveries and resources. The result is that these conversations have been more meaningful than perhaps any other sort of more superficial reconnecting conversations would have been. I've been so grateful that God has given us a second chance at friendship. How marvelous is it that He was not content with me missing the boat the first time around! He has done that with a few other friends too.

I purchased something from Amie (who has a great Etsy shop) for BFF and godson (guess I could say K and M...) Anyway, we were writing back and forth, corresponding about the details of everything when she sent me a note that included this:

Speaking of I also have sitting here a surprise for you and Todd but can't wait to tell you what it is (I am terrible at secrets). Every year we have a garage sale to purge our home and pick a "cause" to put the money toward each year. For example: paying to go to [Other friends'] wedding, Buying bible study books for our neighbor and....supporting you and Todd! This year we were selling mostly extra baby gear and thought it would be fitting to donate any money to Todd and you and baby [Our last name]. We know that God has specially chosen your little one for you and are so excited to meet him/her and about the life that you and Todd are giving him/her as Godly parents who love the Lord. We also are so excited about snowflake adoption so you can expect a check in the mail (again probably with your nursing cover) for $___. We spent last Saturday hosting the garage sale and praying for you and Todd and baby to be with each purchase. We also had a sign out that said the money was in support of adoption and when people asked we told them about snowflake. Some of them had embryo's that they were unsure what to do with and were excited to hear about an adoption option for their kids!!! (no pictures I don't know where my brain was sorry!)
I know you guys have the money you need for the adoption covered but Jon and I wanted a way to tangibly show you guys our support for what you are doing and for your baby to be. Use it however you wish, baby "stuff" donating to Snowflake adoption, preparing your home for baby.
We love you guys!

I can't tell you what it was like to be the on receiving end of such a thoughtful gesture. It's most sincerely, one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for us. And hear me when I say that the money itself has nothing to do with it. What is so meaningful is that Amie and Jon took us in to their hearts and prayers, and that they shared Embryo Adoption with other families. That makes my heart soar! Amie and Jon, I know the amount of little lives that will be saved just went up as a result of your faithfulness! We're so grateful for your friendship, for your love, for your prayers, your support and your selflessness!

Amie's note also challenges us to find equally intentional and overwhelming ways to love on our friends. So thank you for your example of friendship, too! We love you too!

Update

2008-07-03T15:36:00.007-07:00

Hi everyone,

Well, everything from the week is done. We did all our tests and exams-they went off without a hitch.

We also made it safely to and from our meeting yesterday. The meeting went well--they seem to be exactly the people they say they are which was great. You can really be anyone you want to be on the internet, so it was comforting to see that they ARE nice, normal people.

There was a lot of information they shared yesterday that was pretty overwhelming (for me anyway) so I'm still processing so I don't really have much to share in the way of an update. Everything went well and we walked away really knowing as much as we could have expected to know at the end of the day. We knew we wouldn't walk away with a "final answer." Both families are going to take some time to think and pray and then we'll talk down the road. But from everything we could see yesterday, everything seemed very positive.

The next step (giving a definite "yes" or "no") is hard for someone like me who has such a fearful nature. But that would be true with any match and has nothing to do with this situation. It's just now, the rubber meets the road and the reality and finality of any decision starts to sink in. We'd love your prayers for wisdom and peace and I'm sure they would, too!

That's all I have in the way of an update. I can share more later if this does "go through" but in the mean time, I want to respect the "maybe" nature of the situation. Trust me, both the genetic mom and I are eager to share "our story" but we both want to know what the next chapter will be, first.

Thanks for your prayers. If nothing else, we had a nice time, a safe trip, and they're really great people to know so we've already gained something!

PS: Our adoption caseworker said that the fact that it doesn't sound like I'm shouting from the rooftops gives her cause for concern. Don't read in to that...it's not in my personality to be like that in a new situation. I'm just too cautious (overly so, this I know!). Don't read in to it. (Genetic-Dad is really cautious by nature too, so I know he understands!) As simultaneously strongly and cautiously as I can, I say that yesterday's meeting went very very well and is very promising. I'm as bursting with excitement as I will allow myself to be while things are still a "maybe." Believe me, if we get a final "yes" from God and from them, I WILL be shouting from the rooftops. But until then, I think protecting my heart is the best course of action.

Tests

2008-07-01T10:39:00.003-07:00

7 vials of Blood Later, my part in most of the tests is done. It's nice to have something else to check off the list! For a major needle-phobe like me, 7 vials is a big deal :D

Today has just been spent tending to various details. I'm printing pictures the genetic family wants to see and making sure the profile match letter is the exact-no-turning-back-now-because-we're-going-to-give-it-to-them way we want it.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I don't think we expect to walk away with an answer tomorrow (though it would be cool!) but I do hope that we have at least as strong of an inclination as to know whether or not we should continue seriously pursuing this or not. We'd love for you to join us in prayer for this meeting!

Oh, another piece of happy news is that our caseworker called and said our homestudy report went postal today! I hope hope hope the court processes it quickly. She said she sent one in a few weeks ago and it's already been accepted so at least a few weeks ago, the calendar was moving along fast. I hope the same is true now!

I'm off to nap. I have a feeling I won't sleep a wink tonight in anticipation of tomorrow so I'm going to sleep while I can get it!

I'll try to update tomorrow night!

Mama Bear

2008-06-30T11:23:00.007-07:00

I think I've had my first Mama Bear instincts this week. This post will probably be very rambling, so be warned! =)

It started last week with some google alerts and yahoo group posts termed "Embryo Adoption." The links and discussions took me to various places around the web, where various discussions about embryos and their placement were taking place. But in all of the cases, what was being discussed was embryo donation or worse, embryo sale! It made me so frustrated. It made me realize how protective I am over true Embryo Adoption and our little babies.

It made me angry that they were lumped in to the same category as black market body parts for sale, and anonymous bank donations. We made the choice to do an actual adoption and make the sacrifices required therein, because of our love for our children and our desire to do right by them. In our world view, this way was the only way to go. I understand that others make different choices, but it should be discussed and named differently because it is different.

I am part of a self-enrolled blog roll of IF women. I had been categorized as "Donor Egg/Sperm/Embryo." I wrote to the list owner and asked to be moved to the Adoption roll and she wouldn't place me there. But in every functional sense, this IS an adoption. I won't apologize for or downplay that.

Now both of these things are pretty minor. But I feel like it takes away from the honor we're trying to give our children when we're lumped in to some anonymous process. I want our children to know that they were wanted and loved and sacrificed for before we ever knew them. I want the dignity of this process protected by refusing to mingle it with anonymous donation and with people who sell their children, both of whom I've seen claim the same term of "adoption." I want to insist that they call their processes by their own names. Better--I wish that this was the only way to transfer embryos but I digress.

Then I finally got up the nerve to listen to my Pastor's Mother's Day Message. I'm so glad I didn't stay in the service that day. His message was on Moses. He came to a point in the message where he said that because of Moses' first 5 years with his birth mother, he knew he was a Hebrew. He praised Moses' mother for risking her life to keep Moses safe.

Then he said "Moms, we just stand in awe of you, what God has done and is doing in you and through you for the purpose of giving children a powerful powerful excellent foundation in their life."

Then he transitioned to a story about his own daughter, pregnant with twins and he related this: (transcribed word for word)

"[Daughter's name] there's nobody else in the world, no one in the world, who can do what you have been called to do. No one else in the world can take these babies and give them what you're giving them. And that's true of every mother, every mother who conceives a child--there's no one else the world who can replace you in that process."

That really hit me. I love my pastor dearly. I know him to be a sincere, godly man who has expressed his support for what we're doing. But I almost felt like his words betrayed a certain bias and it struck me that the bias is probably fairly common and our children will probably encounter that their whole lives. And it made me mad for them.

True. I am not involved in the children's conception. So in the very technical sense, I cannot be that person. But I will be their mother. DH will be their father. We will be the ones who provide that "powerful powerful excellent foundation in their life." Meaning no disrespect to genetic and birth parents everywhere, we will be the ones they spend their days with, who tuck them in to bed at night, who take them to school and soccer practice, who provide those "first 5 years" (and more!) and who teach them the ways of the Lord. The same can be said of adoptive families everywhere. I don't really see what biology has to do with any of the true elements of parenting. To be clear-I don't trivialize the roll of birth or genetic parents at all. But I do wish that ours wasn't minimized simply because we lack a certain biological component and it's my fear that general populous bias DOES participate in that, at least subconsciously.

The mama-bear in me was animated as I pictured people pitying our children. Thinking they missed out on something. Thinking they have a second-best existence and second-best parents, and that they are our second-best children. I want to scream that we're doing everything we can to give them the best of everything! And they should feel loved because of that-not ashamed or as though or offerings were mere concessions to make up for shortcomings of biology. I never want them to feel like they're missing out on something. I want everything for them and I want them to KNOW that we want everything for them.

Thoughts like these always make me try to remember what I though in my pre-adoption days. I honestly can't remember (another testament to God--He has filled our hearts so full of this that it's hard to remember a time when they weren't), but it does make me want to get inside people's heads and learn what they're really thinking. It impassions me for adoption advocacy. And that's good, I think.

Speaking of (how's that for a transition?), I really want to become more active in infertility, adoption and embryo adoption awareness and advocacy. I'd love to read and speak, presuming of course that anyone wanted to hear what I have to say. But I don't really know where to start. Am I totally out in left field with this idea? It's a little nerve wracking and feels a little egotistical to think that what you have to say is novel and important enough that others should listen. And it's not even that I think that about me. I just know that I have a heart for these issues and I want, for the issues' sakes, to see their messages furthered and I think that I am willing to do it and at least have a modest talent for it. Any thoughts?

This week is important in terms of checklist steps. Theoretically, our homestudy is being sent in to the court today. I really really hope it goes in this week and I really hope the court's calendar moves quickly! Tomorrow we go to the doctor to talk about all those tests and hopefully he can do them at the same time. On Wednesday, we meet the genetic parents. On Thursday, I go to my OB for a few more tests. So it will be a busy week!

Gotta scoot for now! I hope you all are well!

Happy Anniversary

2008-06-28T02:14:00.009-07:00

Happy Anniversary to my Sweetie-Pie!

5 Years ago I married the love of my life and haven't looked back since. It's been amazing to spend all of this decade (we became a couple in 2000) loving him and being loved by him. Our life and our love is already whole and complete now. I can't wait to see how God in His infinite wisdom and grace expands that to be more whole and more complete. Happy Anniversary, my Love.

We're spending the day just hanging out. We're going to dinner tonight-a treat from our grandparents and my parents, and then on to dessert at the Melting Pot-yum!

It's funny...when we were getting engaged and thinking about family and working through premarital counseling, we said we wanted to wait 3 to 5 years before having children. That desire changed and timeline shortened once we were married but now here we are, exactly 5 years in, about to embark in to a whole new world. We are grateful that we have had this time of friendship, camaraderie, and adventure to build our relationship before the dynamic changed. A selfish part of me will miss having him all to myself! But man...how lucky our kids will be to have him for a dad!

Happy Anniversary too, to Joe and Diana, who quite "coincidentally" were married the same day and year as us, a few hours later and less than 100 miles away from us!

And Happy Birthday to Amanda! I hope you are celebrated today for all the things you are and rolls you fill, including but not limited to new mommy!

Hey at least you all had the courtesy to choose a date easy for me to remember ;) Love you, friends!

Like the new blog look? It's courtesy of Lena (save a few tweaks to shrink the header size) and her free blog templates. I have several blog buddies whose blogs I always thought were lovely. One day I found Lena's blog and found that all that lovely work was done by the same talented person! Thanks Lena, for sharing your talent with us!

I've also got a new picture. I cut, colored and highlighted my hair today. It's something I've always wanted to do but was never brave enough to do (yes, I am in fact a chicken about EVERYTHING). I did mild highlights twice back in college when the hair place I used to work for did them for free, and then I've used a drugstore box of color a time or 12, but I've never had anything like this done. I LOVE the base color. I'm not so wild about the highlights--these particular ones are a little Jennifer Aniston of 1995ish...but I like the rest of it. I really wanted to do it so I didn't look like I had a fried out mess on my head when we have our match meeting next week. My own natural color always turns a nasty shade of brassy at the ends so I feel much more well kept with it all under control. They probably won't care, but I feel much more presentable! I cut off the top of my head in this picture, but 8 gazzillion tries at a self portrait with no tripod or remote later, this is what I came up with.

That's all for now! Bed is calling, which it's allowed to do at 2:30 am!

More pictures!

2008-06-26T13:36:00.003-07:00

More shameless indulging in ba.by pictures...

I got mom's a-ok to post these. I know several of my blog buddies are photographers and more are mommies so I'm posting these in the hopes of begging your constructive criticisms (as either photographers with technical know-how or mommies with mommy-insight) so I can do better next time. Anyone else is welcome to give feedback too. I'd appreciate it and hopefully BFF will too! We're going to try another day for some sleeping shots. But he was very alert and awake yesterday!

Ba.by pictures below....

These are the same-I just couldn't decide if I liked color or black and white better

Cutest little feet

2008-06-25T21:54:00.006-07:00

Ba.by pic.tures posted below....

I've resisted posting a picture of our godson out of respect for BFFs' privacy. Today I went over to take his one month old pictures! I figured I could post these since you can't see his face. They're two of my favorites from the day. Aren't they the cutest little feet you ever did see?

Another Milestone!

2008-06-25T10:10:00.004-07:00

I got the letter from my doctor that Nightlight needs in order to allow us to proceed. I knew my doctor had told us at the last meeting that he didn't foresee any problems with me carrying a pregnancy, but I was still nervous when I called that some phantom concern would have developed between now and when I last saw him. Suffice it to say, I was really excited when the letter showed up.

It's short and to the point but that's how my doctor rolls. The sentence in red (my edit) is what matters! It constantly amazes me that between both DH and I, the only part that works just fine is my "oven," which is "all" we need for this joy of Embryo Adoption. He burdened our hearts for it and fashioned our bodies for it...that constantly amazes me.

I also talked to our Social Worker today. She said she expects to mail off our report on Friday or Monday. Shortly thereafter, BFF and C both contacted me to say that our worker had done her follow up phone interviews with them this morning. She needs one more to go with the report to the court, so it seems that's nearing the end too. And I'm glad I'd forgotten all about that part of the process--recommendations always make me nervous!

In other news, congratulations to William and Glenna, who I mentioned last week. Their little one, Isaiah, has finally arrived in to their arms!

Happiest congratulations also go to Elaine, who received a positive pregnancy test!

Congratulations, friends!

Feeling a little (ok, a lot!) overwhelmed!

2008-06-23T16:54:00.003-07:00

I'm not a person who does well with overwhelmedness. It makes me feel very panicky and nervous.

DH and I have not treated with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist-basically a fertility specialist). Because we're pretty conservative on what we will and won't consider in terms of artificial reproduction assistance, we never saw the need to see an RE because my OB could do everything we were willing to try. Then when his tests revealed DH's problem, we went to a specialist (the best in the state) for that. But his next steps would have been to send us to an RE too, to do procedures we weren't comfortable with, we basically drew our line in the sand there.

Most people when doing something like a Frozen Embryo Transfer do it with an RE with whom they have an established relationship, so they just call him up and he schedules all the tests and procedures.

We don't have one so we needed to find an RE specifically for the actual transfer, because an OB doesn't do that. But I've only met this doctor once. So I called his office today to see what the next step is. They schedule far out so I figured I could get on the calender. The next step is do a ton of blood work, tests and screenings on both DH and I. He CAN do them or we can have our Primary Care Physician do them. We chose this route because coming from a PCP, they should be covered by our insurance. They're the same tests and should be covered no matter who orders them but we're afraid insurance might freak out if they see a clinic's name on the orders so we're going through our PCP.

So, she proceeds to recite to me all of the tests I need to ask the doctor to order. There are 21 of them for me and an additional 6 for DH.

We'll do 2 of them with my OB because of the nature of the sample's retrieval. So first I had to call and explain to my OB's scheduler, whom I have never met (she's new) and who has no clue about Embryo Adoption or even FET about why I needed to come in for STD screening (joy!).

Then I needed to call our PCP and explain to HIS scheduler why we needed to see him. "Why do you need to see him?" "So that we can ask him to order labs." "How do you know you need them?" "Because another doctor said so." "Why didn't he order them then?" aye yai yai. I think in the end it boiled down to "ok, whatever you say lady-see you next week." So we meet with him to ask him if he can put in orders at the lab to do these 25 other tests. Joy!

I'm just a little overwhelmed. I'm stressed that I'm going to do something in the wrong order or that someone will miss one and we'll have to go back anyway, opening us up for financial risk and extra cost, etc, etc. I'd love it if we lived in California where we could do everything non-medical through Nightlight, and if we had an existing RE and IF insurance coverage where we could do everything else through them. This coordinating everything through so many different agencies is making my head spin.

I'm totally willing to do it. I'm just afraid I'll make a major mistake! I guess it's a feeling I should get used to as we embark on parenting anyway, right? ;)

Baking Tally for the Day

2008-06-21T16:43:00.005-07:00

Our house smells sooooo good.

The tally for the day:

5 mini loaves of Banana-Walnut Bread
5 mini loaves of Strawberry-Blueberry Bread
5 mini loaves of Strawberry-Pineapple-Walnut Bread
1 regular sized loaf of Strawberry-Pineapple-Walnut Bread
1 Berry Chocolate Pie (raspberries, blackberries, blueberries and strawberries! Yum!)

Still to come:
Blueberry Muffins
Strawberry Bread
Grape Muffins (recipe Hattip for these last two-Kristin)

I'd never had (or even heard of!) berry breads (not to be confused with their step-cousin, the fruit cake) but they're just so light and refreshing for summer and are a beautiful compliment to their spicier, perfect-for-fall counterparts like banana, zucchini and pumpkin breads. Plus, I found some low fat substitutions for all of them (fresh fruit instead of sugary canned, all natural applesauce instead of oil, wheat flour instead of white, and an all natural sugar substitute) so they're not even terribly diet-offensive.

Everything except the pie, blueberry muffins (my favorite!) and one loaf of bread is for the church, which is good, because we'd probably gobble it all up if we could!

Anyone want to come over for some coffee and goodies?

New Tickers

2008-06-20T11:43:00.007-07:00

I guess I'm Ticker Happy Today :)

I removed this one because it expired (yay!). But it's still cool to count up, so, for posterity...

And then the new ones...

Lots of big news! We're meeting S&B (the genetic parents) on July 2. I don't think we'll have an answer on the match that day but I think both couples will have a strong impression on whether or not this will go or not and I think that will give us enough to know what the next step is (either way).

We're going to Hawaii in August! We were able to sell our frequent flyer tickets from another airline and buy Hawaii tickets...for a difference of 24 cents! We did end up paying hefty fees to change the flights because of DH's job (note: do not EVER book on Hawaiian airlines unless you're 200% positive that you won't change ANYTHING about your ticktes--I guess I got spoiled working with Southwest) so the fees were frustrating but we're still paying less than we would to buy tickets to anywhere farther from here than Norther California. My college roommate is stationed there and has invited us to stay with her and is even insisting on taxi-ing us around. So when else do you get the chance to go to Hawaii with free (or almost in our case) airline tickets and free lodging and free transportation? And since the government is paying the rest (we "stimulated" our vacation savings account with our check as reward for completing our adoption savings), I'd say this will be the least expensive vacation we'll ever take! And in Hawaii no less! So we're trying to map out the activities we'll do. We're excited to see it through the eyes of a local. Though we want to do SOME of the touristy things, we'd much prefer exploring all the natural (and free!) beauty Hawaii has to offer and she knows all the hot spots.

We're looking forward to it as a 5 year anniversary celebration, and as a sort of "Baby Moon" because hopefully there aren't many child-free trips left in our future!

There's not much else new around here. I'm sure it interests you greatly to know that I saved 49.5% in coupons and sales on my grocery bill yesterday? DH and I have sort of a competition with ourselves to see how high we can get the savings by being discriminating and predatory in our shopping. Our record for a "regular" grocery trip (ie not just buying 1 item on special) is 52%. So I came close. It took me about 5 hours to do the work of reading the ads, planning my trip, cutting coupons, organizing my list, shopping, unloading and putting things away, so DH figured I made about $30 an hour if you factor in the amount of money we would have had to make to clear the same dollar amount after taxes...not bad! :)

Today I'll be a baking fool! I have all sorts of summer berries on hand and I'll be making breads for the church visitor's outreach and our small group on Sunday. We're taking it easy this weekend. We had company last weekend which was really fun but we were out and and about a lot so we didn't get a lot of time to decompress and debrief after the homestudy.

I'm sure you're riveted on the mundane details of our life, but I must sign off now and get to work! Hope you all have a great day!

PS: Happy Birthday to Hannah, the first Snowflake!

It's Off

2008-06-17T09:51:00.003-07:00

We mailed off our application to Nightlight today! We didn't mail it off at the beginning of the process because we can't really go any farther until the Homestudy is certified. So they will still just sit on it a little while longer but we're still excited to join them. One thing it will get us is access to a group of other Snowflake parents--I'm really excited about that!

I worked until late last night to get caught up on my business orders. I wanted to free myself up so I could go spend time with BFF and Godson and help her as she needs it. Can you believe he turns a month old this weekend?

Anyway, that's all that's new here. Gotta scoot--still have a few more things to do before I'm free :)

Homestudy Update

2008-06-13T01:33:00.002-07:00

Beware-there are two very long posts below them! After a time-imposed blogging drought, I had a lot to say :)

But here is the update on the Homestudy Visit.

The visit went very well. We went to bed relatively early last night and took a leisurely pace this morning. Our home has never been this clean! She came and took a surprisingly fast tour and then we sat in the living room answering a few outstanding questions she had and going through Nightlight's required questions. Everything went flawlessly (so far as we know).

What happens now is that our social worker will write up her report (20 pages!) and send it along with our references, medical information, fingerprints, etc, off to the court. She said she expects to have it ready to send off by the end of this month. Then the court takes 3-6 weeks to review everything, and, Lord willing, accept it and certify us. Once we're certified, our social worker here sends it to Nightlight. Then we're considered eligible by Nightlight for a match and we wait. If the potential match on the table is a go, we could proceed at that point (provided everything was already agreed upon and such). If that match is not a go, we would enter their regular match process and wait for a family whose desires are similar to our own.

So that's it! We've done all we can do and now we just wait! It feels really good to be done!

My friend Henrietta from Sweden arrives in the morning (and it's already really late) so I have to scoot in order to be up early enough to pick her up at the airport. I'm really excited about her visit!

If you couldn't see the John Piper video, here is the link to it on youtube. I hope it works for you!

Hope you all are well!

Embryo Adoption FAQ

2008-06-13T01:08:00.006-07:00

We encourage our friends and family (and strangers, politely), to ask us questions about Embryo Adoption. We love to share any answers that we have, and research those we don't. Here is an FAQ of the questions we are commonly asked. Please feel free to ask us any that you have! No question is too "stupid" and so long as it's respectful and doesn't violate the privacy or honor of our family or the genetic parents, nothing is off-limits, so ask away!

In no particular order:

Q: Are these embryos created for you?
A: No. These are not "made to order." These embryos were created at the impetus of and for the transfer by their original genetic parents. We only enter in to the picture when the genetic parents find themselves unable or unwilling to transfer additional embryos, yet still having some left in storage.

Q: Will you know the gender of the embryos?
A: Nope! Not until 18-20 weeks in to a pregnancy like everyone else :) At the stage of transfer to my uterus, they're simply too small and have not yet developed sex organs.

Q: How many embryos will you have?
A: That depends on how many the family we are matched with has. Nightlight guarantees 6, so if we are matched with a family that has fewer than that, we will actually be matched with multiple families.

Q: Will you meet the genetic parents?
A: Again, that depends on the genetic parents. In the typical Nightlight process, you don't meet, at least not up front. You may choose to meet later on after birth as the child is growing up. We're not opposed to a pre-match meeting, and would agree to it if matched with a family that required it, but it's not one of our non-negotiables that we do (or don't) meet them.

Q: Will you have contact with the genetic parents?
A: Yes. One of our non-negotiables is that we at least know their complete names, contact information, medical history and cultural/racial history if known. We also require permission to give names and contact info to the children when the children are of age, if they have not thus far been in contact. We are required by Nightlight to send updates on the children to the agency so that the Genetic Parents can retrieve them if they so desire. Whether we have contact beyond all that will really depend on the individual dynamics of the match and what both parties want. We want some email contact, at the very least. We think it would be in our children's best interest to at least have some semblance of contact with or knowledge of their genetic parents.

Q: If still have more embryos after a successful transfer, pregnancy and birth, what happens to them?
A: Those embryos remain "ours" (though all children are just on loan to us from God). One thing that we actually love about Embryo Adoption is that our children will have a realistic possibility of having genetic siblings. Most recently created embryos are frozen in 1s, 2s or 3s. We're guaranteed 6 through Nightlight. We would only thaw 2 or 3 at a time, depending on how they were frozen. We'd wait for them to thaw, and then transfer the ones that survived. If we get pregnant, the other 3 or 4 embryos would remain frozen until we were ready to have another child. If none of the first batch survived the thaw or implanted, we could thaw more within a few cycles of the first. If all of the embryos die with no successful pregnancies, we would be matched with another family. If in any case we were left with embryos we could not carry, we would transfer them back to the care of their genetic parents, who at that point would likely find another adoptive couple for them.

Q: Is there a possibility for multiples?
A: Yes. Currently, the frequency of multiple live births in our program is 28%. If the currently pregnant women in the program all give live birth to their multiples, the rate will increase to 31%. (My hubby did all this math--ask him if you have questions). Hubster likes to point out that twins run in his family. =). Twins or triplets would be fraternal. They would be twins or triplets insofar as they would implant and be born at the same time, but they would be two (or three) separate embryos from the get-go (as opposed to one embryo that splits).

Q: How many embryos would you transfer at one time?
A: This depends somewhat on how the embryos were frozen to begin with because you must thaw all frozen in a batch. We would not transfer more than three at a time, but ideally, we would transfer only two at a time because even if both took, a twin pregnancy can be relatively safe. We would not transfer more than 3 at a time because of the risk posed to both me and the children by high-multiple pregnancies.

Q: Could you end up like Jo.hn and Ka.te plus 8? (we actually get this a lot!)
A: Very unlikely. We might end up with 8 children, but not all at once (or in their case, 6 at once). I don't know their story at all. I don't know if they did IVF or Clomid or whatever. I've never seen their show--I've only heard about it several times through our process. For us to end up with sextuplets, we'd have to transfer 3 embryos and have all 3 of those embryos split in to two once en utero. That's very very very unlikely, statistically speaking, even if these were naturally conceived children. And since we'd never transfer 6 embryos at once, we wouldn't get there that way, either.

That's all I can remember. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask!

Editorial: The Vatican to Consider taking a Position on Embryo Adoption

2008-06-12T21:43:00.013-07:00

I've long since resisted commenting on the Vatican's Treatment (or lack thereof) of Embryo Adoption, knowing that some of my readers are Catholic, that some are IVFers, and that some are Catholic IVFers. In response to recent news I would like to post as an advocate of EA, with the caveat that I will treat it as sensitively as I can. While I am not a Catholic and we decided against IVF, I respect those who made different choices for their families and hope that I can communicate that, while maintaining my own convictions.

The Vatican, to date, has no official position on Embryo Adoption. I would post a link accordingly, but the Vatican's search engine is down. They have resisted taking a position largely due to conflicting debates among Catholic Bioethicists and Vatican Advisers.

However, the National Catholic Reporter reports that the Vatican Council may make a ruling this weekend. I will be so bold as to proclaim that I hope they take the right position, myself believing that under current conditions there is only one correct position.

Let's deconstruct the arguments of the the top objectors.

First, the Vatican's official position on human life reads:

The human being must be respected - as a person - from the very first instant of his existence...Thus the fruit of human generation, from the first moment of its existence, that is to say from the moment the zygote has formed, demands the unconditional respect that is morally due to the human being in his bodily and spiritual totality. The human being is to be respected and treated as a person from the moment of conception; and therefore from that same moment his rights as a person must be recognized, among which in the first place is the inviolable right of every innocent human being to life. ...Since the embryo must be treated as a person, it must also be defended in its integrity, tended and cared for, to the extent possible, in the same way as any other human being as far as medical assistance is concerned.
(source)

That position alone is enough to determine what their next logical step MUST be.

The Catholic Church denounces both IVF and Surrogacy, teaching that both violate the sanctity of the marriage relationship by introducing another party for procreation, that such creation violates the dignity of the life of the newly formed person, in the case of surrogacy that it violates the child's right to be born to its own genetic, married mother and father, and that any artificial creation of life removes the power to give and take life away from God.

Springboarding off of this teaching and course of thought is where the objections to Embryo Adoption are based.

Father Tad Pacholczyk, a leading Catholic Bioethicist and adviser to the Vatican, takes a negative position on Embryo Adoption. He says "my own opinion is that it is not moral to do this" (source). Summarizing an oral debate in which Fr. Tad argued the negative, the National Catholic Reporter reported:

Pacholczyk argued that the implantation of an embryo is an intrinsically evil act, because it separates aspects of procreation that should remain united. Procreation, understood as "collaboration between husband, wife and almighty God," he argued, extends from fertilization through conjugal relations to birth, and to skip one of those stages means instrumentalizing the process.

It also results, he said, in a "fissure in parenthood," since "spouses have an exclusive right to become mother and father solely through each other."

"One should not become a parent through any means other than one's spouse," Pacholczyk said. He also argued that since fathers are incidental to the process of embryo adoption, fatherhood "is gravely and intrinsically violated.
(source)

As a pseudo-Catholic on matters of the right to life (I find myself far more conservative and active than my own church tradition's action on the issue), I generally have great respect for Fr. Tad and I'm perhaps one of the few Protestants who is familiar with him. However, his general position befuddles me. I have read a much more extensive document on his position, but now after an hour of googling find myself completely unable to locate it again so I will react only to what I can find in print.

My first reaction to Father Tad is that even if everything he says is true, his position does nothing to answer the question of what to do with the embryos (precious human lives) already in existence, regardless of how they came to be, and as such, his position is insufficient.

Additionally, I do wonder about the logical consistency of this argument with the Catholic teaching (an argument with which I agree) that abortion is immoral under all circumstances, including rape. In that case, a woman is impregnated (though not willingly) by a man other than her husband, and the Church would have her carry that child to term and birth it. Father Tad's distinction may be in the complicity of the conception on the part of the mother, but as stated, his argument is full of holes.

Less far-fetched in frequency are children conceived through willing intercourse outside the bonds of marriage. Again, the church would advocate that said child be carried to term and birthed. To be clear, Embryo Adoption is not at all to be likened to a child conceived from rape or even out of wedlock. I introduce the comparison as far as both one of those situations and IVF/EA pertain to a child conceived outside the traditional marital relationship. The church protects one child. It ought to protect the other.

His response as cited elsewhere is, "Today we put preemies into very sophisticated incubators. It’s conceivable that one could do that for an embryo as well." (source). I fail to see how this solution honors the dignity of the life of the embryo more than a womb does and moreover, it still does nothing to preserve the lives already created, who wait in peril for the creation of said "sophisticated incubator."

Furthermore, Father Tad's position seems to contradict his own position on the fundamental worth of the embryo.

The moral teaching of the Church is that the human embryo must be treated as if it were already ensouled, even if it might not yet be so. It must be treated as if it were a person from the moment of conception, even if there exists the theoretical possibility that it might not yet be so...Human embryos are already beings that are human (not zebra or plant), and are, in fact, the newest and most recent additions to the human family. They are integral beings structured for matu ration along their proper time line. Any destructive action against them as they move along the continuum of their development disrupts the entire future time line of that person. In other words, the embryo exists a whole, living member of the human species, and when destroyed, that particular individual has perished. Every human embryo, thus, is unique and sacrosanct."
(source)

Condemning these "newest and most recent additions to the human family" to a life (or rather non-life) of indefinite freezing destroys them, thereby violating Fr. Tad's own injunction against such behavior.

Msgr. William Smith, a professor at St. Joseph's Seminary, likens Embryo Adoption to "high-tech surrogacy," declaring it thus immoral. What Msgr. Smith fails to recognize is the distinction that in Embryo Adoption, the mother intends to parent the child. The Vatican even defines a surrogate as

"the woman who carries in pregnancy an embryo implanted in her uterus and who is genetically a stranger to the embryo because it has been obtained through the union of the gametes of "donors". She carries the pregnancy with a pledge to surrender the baby once it is born to the party who commissioned or made the agreement for the pregnancy." (source).

As the Pregnancy Carrying Parents do not surrender the child and in fact parent it, the process is clearly different from surrogacy.

Msgr. Smith takes an even more grave position when he says,

"There is no moral way to implant a frozen embryo into a woman's womb and therefore, unfortunately, the embryos must be allowed to expire naturally in their unnatural state." (source)

Msgr. Smith's qualification of his condemnation of "unfortunately" hardly makes his position any less evil.

Dr. Daniel Sulmasy, lead of the medical-ethics department at St. Vincents Medical Center in New York, agrees when he says that pregnancy resulting from something other than intercourse with her husband:

"creates a situation in which there is in a sense a third biological parent, the 'adopting' mother. This introduces new complications and unfamiliar familial relationships which are in and of themselves problematic."

He agrees that allowing the embryos to die frozen is the only moral response. He writes "They will die as natural a death as possible given the unnatural course of their lives. (source)

Again, one could extend Msgr. Smith and Dr. Sulmasy's arguments to call for the expulsion of children resulting from any "unnatural" state or relation, including rape, incest, extra marital affairs and technology assists. The position is morally reprehensible and unsupportable. On matters of high tech procreation, the scriptures might be vague. On the issue of the value of human life (and the logical extension that we therefore must protect it), there is no obscurity. Additionally, difficulty (as he suggests exists in the relationships) is not justification for sin (in this case, inaction).

Another objection is the argument that the existence of Embryo Adoption could encourage or legitimize IVF. Bishop Elio Sgreccia, Vice President of the Pontifical Academy for Life said "The idea of a systematic organization of prenatal adoption of frozen embryos would, in fact, end up by legitimizing the practice which is substantially at the root of the whole problem." source quoting "The London Tablet" August 10, 1996 (original article not available online).

It may be true that a small majority of couples who otherwise wouldn't, decide to pursue IVF because they know about Embryo Adoption. However, even if you eliminated all those people from the equation, the fact remains that thousands of people go through IVF without reservation and a system must therefore exist to save the children who result from the process. We cannot allow innocent children who already exist to perish because we think their parents should have behaved differently at a previous time to which we cannot revert. The simple fact remains that they're here now, and deserve a chance at life. Their genetic parents will answer to God (positively or negatively depending on your opinion) for their actions in creating them but that does not excuse us from pro-action on their behalf in the meantime. A better response would be to regulate the amount of embryos created and to require immediate fresh transfer of all created embryos. But until or unless we arrive to that point, we must be equipped to save these innocent lives from a system that has failed them.

Just as premarital sex and extramarital sex, are denounced by the church and yet produce children whose lives the church would protect, the church should oppose the destruction of these artificially created children, regardless of their opinion on the original method of creation.

The most curious argument I've heard is the notion that in Embryo Adoption, the woman separates herself from her husband, and herself from her own womb, thereby allowing herself to be used. Brian Caufield, writer for Human Life Review, writes

to separate this inherent capacity [to become pregnant] from the intimacy of conjugal relations goes too far. It not only separates a wife from her husband, by interposing another impregnating party; it separates a woman from herself if she uses her womb merely as an instrument for the good end of saving a life. (source)

Bishop Sgreccia says:

The idea of [embryo] adoption, per se, has an end which is good. Theologians say it is licit, but there is an extremely high rate of failure. It seems that out of 100 attempts to implant, only three or four would work. We know this because of experiments on animals. About 90 percent don't work because when you unfreeze an embryo, it dies. Or it won't implant itself.

Even if it does work, there are no guarantees that the child won't have serious handicaps. The risk of handicap increases the longer an embryo is frozen: one or two years or five years.

Can we really counsel women to do this? It would mean counseling heroism. Many attempts would fail. Also, you would have to do it at certain periods of the month when the uterus is ready. And if the baby is born handicapped, she must still take care of it, because it would be cruel to abort it.

The issue is one big question mark. The point is, we should never have gone down this road to begin with. It is full of problems. (source)

To begin with, the mention of the risk for special needs again proses a logical breakdown with other high-risk cases where the church would call for full-term pregnancy and delivery.

Furthermore, as an Embryo Adoption mom-to-be, I fail to see how I could be instrumentalized against my will. If I am whole-heartedly and with the full consent of my husband, submitting my body and we our marriage to this process, we can hardly be called separated instruments. We have carefully considered the risks and sacrifices involved in Embryo Adoption. However, neither are reason enough to refrain from doing the right thing, in this case, answering God's call and blessing to grow our family and our hearts while also saving children in need.

There are many Catholic theologians who do support Embryo Adoption, among my favorite being Dr. William May, professor of moral theology at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and family. He argues that adoption is about providing a proper home for a child, and the only proper home for an embryo is a womb.(source).

His former student, Geoffrey Surtees, separates embryo adoption from procreation entirely (and therefore the Church's mandates on it) arguing that procreation took place during the already-completed IVF, and concluding

Respectfully disagreeing with Msgr. Smith's opinion on this matter, it appears evident, upon consideration of the many details, that a married couple who steps forth to rescue a frozen embryo through adoption is acting in and with the mind of the Church; indeed, as far as reason and faith are concerned, there seems nothing illicit about such an action. On the contrary: "To rescue and adopt this unborn and raise the child," as the original question stated, is nothing less than an extraordinary work of mercy. It reveals both a profound respect for the sanctity of human life and the powerful witness of love; a witness our culture of death so desperately needs to behold. (source)

I appreciate both of these gentlemens' sentiments. However, I would like to insist that we are not martyrs or heroes. Yes, what we're doing is a sacrifice. But our children are not a project or a cause or a political statement. As much as I believe that saving their lives is the right thing to do both conceptually and specifically, we are no less than completely committed to them as our children wholly loved for that reason alone. We at most consider ourselves obedient and blessed for this opportunity to become parents.

It is my prayer that as brilliant minds and faithful servants discuss this issue this weekend, that the Church would come to the conclusion that despite valid and legitimate objections to their origin, these children do exist and therefore are endowed with a right to life and deserving of our advocacy, protection and service.

A neat video: Adoption is Greater than the Universe

2008-06-09T11:08:00.002-07:00

John Piper rocks. That is all.

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A Quick Update and An Apology

2008-06-09T10:36:00.003-07:00

Hi friends,

I wanted to let you know that I'm really behind on emails. Several of you have sent me really sweet notes and I just haven't been able to have an opportunity to send a thoughtful response (hence the decreased blogging, too). Please forgive my delay! I have appreciated all of your emails!

Hope you all are well! Gotta scoot. The to-do list grows ever longer!

PS: Keep Glenna in your prayers because It looks like birth mom could be going in to labor shortly. Also, pray for Farrah, whose water broke this morning! Come quickly and safely little ones!

PSS: I just read an update about the family who wrote the book I reviewed previously. They now have 12 children, 9 of whom were adopted!

PPSS: Blogger has a new feature. You can add blog links in a list and blogger will automatically post them in most recently updated order. Cool, huh? So if my lists look like they're ever shuffling over there ---->, that's why :)

Just checking in...

2008-06-04T22:19:00.002-07:00

Just checking in... I've been so busy this week!

We had our last adoption class last night. I am bummed to lose the time with the other parents but I can't say I'm sad the classes are over. They were such a source of struggle for me and a significant bone of contention between us and the agency. We have a mandatory "Infertility Counseling" meeting tomorrow with another person at the Agency and then our last Homestudy visit is a week from tomorrow. Surprisingly, things at the house are going really well. We have it almost completely ready. DH will work on the garage this weekend and I have some ticky tacky things I wanted to do anyway. Next week we have pest control and carpet cleaners coming (both overdue but this provides the perfect excuse) and the gardeners were here this past week and trimmed our palms for the summer and cleaned up the yard so I'm surprisingly not stressed about the impending visit (which is very unlike me!).

Our caseworker will do the visit and she's waiting on one more letter of recommendation and then she'll submit it all to the court. Meanwhile we have to get in contact with my doctor for a letter of "ability to carry a child" and we have to complete our Nightlight Application. Once we turn that and our money in, we'll be able to join the Nightlight chat group with other Snowflake Families, which I'm really looking forward to. I think I'll feel so much more at ease when I can talk to other parents who've been there in this specific kind of adoption.

We wrote our match letter this weekend. That was fun and surreal all at the same time. How do you market a family? How do you say enough to cover the important stuff, but keep it brief enough that you don't bore the reader? I'm not sure that we succeeded, but we're happy with the outcome. I sent it to the caseworker at Nightlight for her feedback-we'll see what she says!

No updates yet on the prospective match. She and I emailed each other quite a bit today. We're trying to see if we can reschedule for 4th of July weekend. Our Anniversary is June 28 and we were half-heartedly toying with the idea of going away from then through the 4th but there are still some variables so we'll see.

Tomorrow night we're having dinner with some old friends. It's a crazy story. Angie and I went to church together when we were in Junior High. Sometime in High School she changed churches and she also attended a private school so we saw little of each other. We both went away to college (she to Texas and I to Los Angeles) and came back swooning over our beaus. As we were sharing about them with each other, we discover that both of them (now our DHs) went to Junior High together here in Arizona! Crazy, huh? They live in Texas now but her In Laws still live here in town so they're here visiting and we'll get to see them. We're excited! Though I've pretty well transitioned in to living in Arizona and considering it home, I still always find comfort in sharing a history with someone when that history is older than 5 or 10 years. For this gypsy, that's a big deal!

That's about all that's new with us! Hope you all are well!

We're Home

2008-05-28T08:04:00.003-07:00

We're home! It's been a busy couple days but we're home!

We flew all day Saturday and met some friends for supper Saturday night. We had the worst hotel experience that night, trying to sleep between inconsiderate neighbors. After asking them several times to quiet down and asking security to ask them to quiet down, we finally asked for a new room at 2:00am. They moved us upstairs, to a room with the biggest bathtub I've ever seen! DH and I could practically BOTH go swimming in it. The room was much quieter and the big tub certainly helped us relax over the next couple days (when you're 6'2 and 6'4, a tub long enough for you to relax without folding yourself in half is a treat!)

The wedding was Sunday. It was on the St. Clair River shore under the most beautiful blue sky and against the most perfect teal waters. We found that in the hustle and bustle of moving rooms in the middle of the night, my camera battery was separated from the camera and so I had no camera at the wedding. DH was sweet and took me to Be.st B.uy between the ceremony and reception to get another one.

The reception was on a yacht and we sailed up to the Canadian border and back. It was one of the swankier things DH and I have ever done--it was very fun!

Here we are against the Detroit Skyline

And the Windsor, Canada border:

Monday morning we received a call early. When I saw who the call was coming from and what time zone it was for the caller, I knew it was big news. Our BFFs had their son (our godson!) late Sunday night. He decided to come a week and a half early. I'm really disappointed we weren't here to be at the hospital when he was born but as soon as our plane landed later that day in Phoenix, we headed straight to the hospital. He's perfect. 10 little toes and 10 little fingers. He's got the coloring of his daddy and some of the bone structure of his mommy. He's very quiet and he slept peacefully in my arms for a very long time and then slept some more in DH's arms. His mommy's labor went quickly and both mommy and baby are well. They all went home yesterday. I'm anxious for it to grow a little later in the day so I can call and see how the first night at home went.

After we got home from the hospital, SIL and her kids arrived to stay the night with us. SIL got violently ill--we suspect food poisoning and exhaustion because all the rest of us are fine, including her kids. So yesterday I got be cool Auntie Jen. We took the dogs for a walk, went to the park with the water feature, played in the back yard, swung in the hammock, worked on alphabet letters, made pizza and played Wii (on my nephew's top 10 list, I think). They're off to a week with grandpa and grandma now. SIL has spent much of the last couple days resting and I hope she can get a few more in. We feel so bad--starting vacation off sick is a major bummer! But hopefully without the kids here she can just rest all she needs.

We had our second to last class last night and we're off to our second to last homestudy visit here in a little while. Only 15 days til the visit here at the house! Whoa!

Gotta run. Want to attend to SIL a bit and then I have to hop in the shower and get on the road. TTFN!

Book Review: Adoption as a Ministry, Adoption as a Blessing

2008-05-24T20:32:00.004-07:00

My reading interest has shifted slightly, from infertility readings to adoption-related readings (though I still have a few IF books on my list). Adoption As A Ministry, Adoption As A Blessing, by Michelle Gardener, is the first adoption title I finished.

I was intrigued by the title of this book. For so long I’ve campaigned that adoption be viewed and treated as more than just a solution to infertility, but as a rightful ministry, to be considered by Christians of varying degrees of biological cooperation. When I saw her title, I thought “can it be that someone else thinks that way too?” and I eagerly scooped it up.

I was not disappointed! Ms. Gardener presents a thoughtful, complex, honest picture of adoption, including her family’s story of their three children who were adopted. Infertility is never even mentioned. The Gardeners chose to adopt as an outpouring of the love and resources they had—perfect for a child with neither. Through that passion, they chose to adopt 3 older, special needs children from 3 different countries. Children who were, by the world’s standards, hopeless, unlovable and thoroughly unadoptable. As of the book’s writing, they were also pursuing foster care licensing.

I was so encouraged by Ms. Gardener’s bold convictions and proclamations. I was blessed and inspired by her courage and touched by her honesty as they shared very real questions they asked as they considered expanding their already established family of 5.

The book makes a solid case for adoption, both biblically and practically. At the same time, it withholds judgment on those who do not consider or choose it, and makes no value distinctions on domestic or international, infant or older child, “healthy” or special needs adoptions. The author is (rightly) convinced that all are equally good and that we are all equipped and called differently. To people who do not feel called to adoption, she exhorts shorter term or more indirect support, such as foster care, child sponsorship, financial support of adoption programs and families, and the gift of tangible assistance to families who do take children in to their home. She maintains that is the church’s biblical responsibility to care for orphans in need, and we can all help in some way.

She also offers practical advice for the church in meeting the needs of adoptive families in their churches. The advice is not extensive, but it is sound.

My one critique of the book is that it is mainly “Adoption as a Ministry,” with less focus on “Adoption as a Blessing.” Recently, we were counseled by friends who adopted 4 children many years ago, to resist the thinking that adopting is a social campaign. While I differ somewhat—my opinion is that your heart can be equally full for growing your own family and for ministering to a chlld in need—his basic premise was to make sure the child is always treated as a loved son or daughter, and not as a solution to a problem (ours or or the world’s). I appreciated the input and so I try to be mindful of that when thinking, talking and praying about adoption. I would have wished that the author had taken a little more time to focus on the beauty of their children in their own right, and how much their lives were enriched and hearts expanded by their addition to their family, for the reason of communicating that these are children loved as their own, and not just part of a crusade. Don't get me wrong, I don't for a second doubt her authentic love for her kids, I just would have liked to read more about it.

However, each of the children (biological and adopted) writes a brief passage about their thoughts (past and present) and none seem to convey that they feel like anything less than beloved children on their parents. So while the author may not have focused on her love as a parent as strongly as I would have perhaps appreciated, the writings from her kids solidify its undeniable existence- it’s just that it's not the subject of this book.

I would love to read an updated postscript with current info on the kids. (The existing passage is 5 years old).

Overall, I would encourage this book for a wide audience. Adoptive and prospective adoptive parents will find themselves encouraged, and perhaps have their own passions about this process expanded. Prospective parents will find useful, practical information about the adoption process. Curious readers may find their own hearts soon challenged with the question of how to help the world’s needy. Family and friends of adoptive families will get a special glimpse in to the hearts of an adoptive family, from the infancy of their considerations of it. Church leaders and members will receive insight in to how they can better minister to adoptive families, and better expand their own ministry to God’s littlest children.

Sunbirds?

2008-05-24T20:26:00.001-07:00

When Michiganders come to Phoenix in the winter time to avoid the cold in their home state, they’re called “Snowbirds.” I think we’ve been to Michigan enough times in the last year to be considered Sunbirds! I admit the cool weather of Michigan is welcoming. This time we’re not leaving temperatures that are terribly hot this time but a few weeks ago we left 100 degree weather for temperatures about half that high. We’re currently on the plane for our last trip in the foreseeable future, where we’ll celebrate with one of my oldest friends as he gets married.

Some updates…

I had a pretty frank conversation with both our caseworker and last week’s adoption education class teacher about some of my frustrations with the process. Though I didn’t perceive the teacher as being particularly receptive, we both felt that we learned more in this class than we had in previous classes. During this session, they brought in a birth mom and adoptive parents to talk about their arrangement, their entire process, etc. Last night we had dinner with friends of DH from high school who adopted their little girl a couple of years ago. Their situation is almost exactly opposite of the arrangement between the family we met in class. I find that I am continuing to appreciate hearing the varying perspectives, though our situation is more than a little different than a traditional adoption.

We had a great visit with a couple other parents in the class. It was nice to just share our fears, our hopes, our specifics about our journeys, etc. We did chat through some frustrations with the class and I think we discovered some common denominators and frustrations, as well as the source of some of those frustrations. (One huge one is that all the teachers use the term “open adoption” but they all mean very different things by it). I did come out of the meeting with a greater appreciation for an open adoption with contact. K (another adoptive dad who has a lot of my same fears) had similar broadenings of understanding. We looked at each other and wondered if they’d put something in the water.

One thing we appreciated learning was the perspective of the adoptive parents with regard to the birth mom. They see ministering to her as a lifelong commitment. Most women place their children for adoption because of some loss or painful circumstance. While our situation will be different, insofar as these children aren’t born out of unplanned pregnancies or in to dangerous situations and the genetic parents will not have carried and birthed these children, it did give us new compassion for birth parents in traditional adoptions in general. I think our hearts were enriched that night, even if the specifics with regard to situations are different.

Our third (of four) homestudy visit is this week. We’ll see how it goes.

One update on the potential embryo match. Our meeting with the genetic parents was canceled. Illness prevented them from traveling to Arizona (they were going to be here for vacation-they don’t live here). They are hoping to reschedule (their vacation), at which point hopefully we’ll still get to meet them. If they don’t come out and we don’t meet them, I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know if they’ve decided yet.

Waiting is hard, to be sure, especially now that the timeline is indefinite. I was so looking forward to our meeting. I don’t like ambiguity. I like deadlines and structure. Ah well, parenting is about flexibility, right? I was reading an adoption book and they pointed out that adoption waiting is particularly hard because unlike pregnancy, there is no Estimated Due Date and no maximum time allowed. I thought that was a good comparison. Considering we’ve only been at this a few months, I can’t complain about waiting, but it definitely did remind me to steel my heart for the months (years?) ahead. I’ll update when/if I have news.

On our end we’ll still submit everything to Nightlight when we’re done (soon, hopefully!) because we’d use them regardless of if we match with this family. I think that will be a nice mental hurdle. In the mean time, I’m starting to think about our profile letter, which will eventually be given to prospective genetic families and ultimately kept by the one(s) we match with. So that’s exciting, but a little stressful. How do you describe all the important details of your life in a few paragraphs? How do you “market” yourself as a potential parent? I’ve seen car brochures longer than the recommended profile length!

So that’s it for us. When we return from Michigan, my SIL, her kiddos and her pup will be waiting for us. We’ll enjoy a visit with them for a few days and then we’ll be working on the final preparations at home for the home visit.

TTFN!

TGI Friday

2008-05-16T12:35:00.005-07:00

This is such a busy month for us! I find myself with a few free hours today and wanting to do nothing but rest!

C's son's wedding rehearsal was last night. I "ran" much of the rehearsal dinner for C which was a blast but between all of the errands and relocating 3 times due to weather, I'm plum exhausted. The wedding is tonight and I am setting up the centerpieces but am hoping that I can pass off cleaning them up to the woman who wants to reuse them tomorrow because I'm so tired-I don't know that I can make it to the end of the reception!

A very close friend from college was in town this week and we had dessert with him. He's another one in my "good for soul" category. We'll see him again next month and the only thing that would make it better was if his wife could fit in his suitcase and come along too--sadly, I don't think his employer would appreciate that. (Priorities, people!)

I'm a little run down. We got back from Jon's wedding and I immediately jumped in to Cs son's rehearsal details. That's all done as of tonight. We have a week to work on the house (still not done with all our homestudy goals) and then next Saturday we leave for another wedding in Michigan. Then we get back and SIL will be here before we are and we get to spend the week with her, which we're very excited about. In that time we also have another homestudy meeting, and an important meeting (more on that in a minute) and then the visit to the house here. So it's a busy time and I'm pooped! We'll have a short visit with my friend H from Sweden. Sometime this summer, we want to take a trip to Hawaii with our free airline tickets. We're sort of waiting for our HS to be done and then we'll go "celebrate" but we'll see. Since the tickets are free, we're at their mercy as to when there are two free seats available and it's not like anyone else on the planet likes to vacation in the summer time ;)

On the Embryo Adoption front...I think I can share a little news that I hinted at earlier in the month. I asked for prayers for wisdom regarding a decision that we have to make. At the end of April, we were approached by a couple we've interacted with in my Christian IF community, who asked us to pray about adopting their embryos. Over the last several weeks, we've done a lot of praying and sought out a lot of counsel from people who have adopted under various circumstances (domestic, international, closed, open, traditional, embryo, etc), as well as a lot of soul searching (having to put our desires for a match down on paper for the first time was a bit overwhelming!--to our happy surprise, they didn't run screaming!) and we've done a lot of talking with them. None of us have made any decisions yet, other than that after many emails, we're still interested in each other and would like to continue to learn more. It looks like we're going to meet up with them in a couple of weeks and I think after that, we'll both have a better idea of how/if we want to proceed. We do know that if we do proceed, we will still go through Nightlight. We would just enter in with them "prematched" instead of their workers doing the initial match.

So, we'll see. It's big news, to be sure, and I don't at all mean to sound underexcited. We're just trying to proceed cautiously and guard our hearts. I know my heart and I know if I commit to these children now, before it's prudent to do so, I'll be done, hook, line and sinker and retreating at that point would be devastating. We all 4 obviously want what's best for these children so I think all 4 of us are being pretty level headed about proceeding with both appropriate enthusiasm and caution. None of us wants to jump in carelessly, but we don't want to let the fear of the unknown dictate us, either. So we're all 4 proceeding as prayerfully and responsibly as we can, knowing that God has the perfect match out there for both our families and just waiting for Him to reveal to us whether its each other or not.

One thing I really have appreciated though, even if our conversations ended today, has been the opportunity to get to know the hearts of some genetic parents and really try to understand what's going on in their heats and minds. I have so much respect for this couple--they are working painstakingly hard to do what is best and right for these children. One thing is for sure-these kiddos are going to end up with amazing parents because so much care is being taken in selecting them.

I also appreciate the learning process it's been for us. We've had to think about what our non-negotiables are, what things we can really give up, and what things we hadn't even thought about before. The process has solidified our thinking in some areas, relaxed it in others, and still in others, expanded it. We've learned so much in talking to them, to other adoptive families and to our amazing caseworker at Nightlight Christian Adoption Agency.

I don't feel terribly comfortable sharing specifics about the family or the embryos, because they're not our children (even if they will be, they're not yet), so by answering, we'd be sharing someone else's family privacy. I'll share more if and when it becomes appropriate to do so but please forgive me for not taking those kind of questions at this time. If you have questions about us, fire away! :)

On the homestudy and adoption education front, things are ok. We're halfway through, which was a nice milestone. We're on the downward portion of the hill. The entire process has been sort of a let down. I feel like we paid the agency quite a bit of money and have learned remarkably little. We were told by someone (I can't remember who and in the agency's defense, it may not have even been them) that the home study is 70% education, 30% interrogation. We've found that nothing could be farther from the truth. We spend the HS visits talking about things we already know about ourselves, and the classes do little more than push the agency's agenda for one very specific kind of relationship with the biological parents. I understand it's necessary for them to interrogate us because they have to be wise and responsible when they write their report about us, but I guess I expected us to get something out of it too, and I don't really feel like we are. The classes are taught by a different person every week, which makes having a fluid dynamic hard. This last class was a huge repeat of stuff another teacher had already covered. We are enjoying getting to know the other couples but in a few cases, the teacher has put a quash on any social interactions with the other parents, even in non-instructional time. And no matter how many different ways they try to push this specific openness scenario on us, at the end of the day we are responsible for and accountable to God and our kids for the decisions about that dynamic and I really would like to be well-informed from an objective stand point. Questions are worded "What are the benefits of this kind of relationship?" rather than, "Are there benefits to this kind of relationship? What are they? What are some of the disadvantages?" "Studies" and "experts" are referenced, with little specifics given as to who or what those sources actually are.

I guess I always resist "one size fits all" approaches in any non-doctrinal area of Christendom--worship, evangelism, church style, leadership, marriage, parenting, discipline, etc. We may ultimately end up at the same place the agency advocates (though I doubt it) but I want it to be because we've prayerfully considered and logically researched all angles--not just the singular view they present.

Maybe my expectations of the process were wrong. I'd be interested to hear from other adoptive parents about what their HS process involved/involves. I was really wanting to learn constructive, concrete things, like age appropriate language for adoption, ways to introduce it, how to celebrate while not communicating that the child is "different" or an outsider, how to educate family and friends. So far we've received a lot of lecture on why open adoption with direct relationship between kids and biological parents is the only way to do things 100% of the time. At the end of the day, I just don't think it's the Agency's place to make that decision for us.

Fortunately, Nightlight (seriously, I love them!) has been much more "neutral" and has helped balance the equation for us, as have other adoptive families. Don't get me wrong, we absolutely believe in full disclosure about adoption and about the special way in which the child will have come to join our family, and we want enough of an open relationship to know who the genetic parents are, what their cultural and medical history is, and how to put the child in contact with them at age 18 if the child so chooses, but beyond that I think there is a lot of gray area that's going to vary from family to family, based on family dynamics, child(ren)'s temperament and mental capacity, and other family factors that just aren't universal.

So anyway, didn't mean to get off on a tangent! I'd love to hear what the HS and adoption education process has been like for other families. Maybe I just came in expecting the wrong thing and that's ok. In the mean time, we're supplementing with readings and counsel from other sources to fill in some of the gaps. We're confident that God will lead us to the right decision for our family and certainly the HS and Adoption education have given us some things to consider and factor in, and I'm confident that they're sincere in their efforts to do what they think is right and honoring to God and the children involved, but I guess I just feel less equipped than I expected to be at this stage in the game. Maybe that's my fearful nature kicking in too, who knows.

Gotta run. I've been operating in slow motion all day (still feel like a truck ran over me last night!) but I've got to get to doing something! Hope you all are well. I'll try to make blog rounds this weekend!

Checking In

2008-05-12T09:13:00.008-07:00

Hi Everyone,

I hope your days yesterday went as well as possible and that God's strength was celebrated and displayed in our weakness. I pray that you all had "God sightings" yesterday.

As expected, I didn't do so well in church. I didn't even make it in to the sanctuary before the tears started coming. The greeters were happily greeting everyone with "Happy Mother's Day" and then suddenly they'd get to me and say "Uh, well, hello." They weren't unfriendly and I appreciate that they didn't say "Happy Mother's Day" so I don't fault anyone...it just started the day off in exactly the mood I was expecting. It didn't help that I was alone--DH was picking my brother up at the airport.

The service began with a recitation of portions of Proverbs of 31 specifically dealing with motherhood and the tears kept coming. I sat through the worship songs because I couldn't sing through my tears.

Then they read the scripture passage--it was the passage about Moses being placed in the basket. The pastor got a few words in and I decided that I wasn't going to be able to remain quietly composed so I excused myself. I'm really disappointed I missed the message because the one piece of the story of Moses, his mother and Pharaoh's daughter is adoption. But I just didn't trust myself to not sob loudly. I'm really hoping that the mp3 goes up in the next couple of days so that I can listen to it now with full privacy to fall apart if I need to.

My mentor followed me out and we just sat and talked--time with her is always precious, however I can get it. After the service ended, our dear sweet Pastor came directly to me and hugged me and encouraged me, followed by a few other ladies who know our story. A good friend gave me a card to encourage me. So that time was really precious but I couldn't help feeling foolish at being the center of attention on a day designed for an honor I don't even qualify for. Busy-ness for C's son's wedding this week took the rest of the time and was a nice distraction.

As I was trying to explain things to the people who asked, the strongest emotion I was feeling was the emotion of missing our children. I wasn't really prepared for that. Though I've never met them, it feels unnatural to be separated from them. I did have some feelings of grief and loss over the biological loss and the concept of "never," but the fact that this was the first Mother's Day with any real kind of hope, made it almost harder. In previous Mother's Days, our children were always just a concept--something obscured, far on the horizon. So there was no urgency and Mother's Day was really no different than any other day. Now they've taken on an identity in my heart.

The Proverb says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." That's how yesterday felt. I was truly heart-sick. Never before have our children been "so close, and yet so far" as the song says. The inability to reach out and touch them, hold them, see them, was drowning. I think I was just unprepared for that. I was unprepared for DH being upset, too.

And at the end of the day, I'm not sure I would have had things differently. Yes, I would like to have heard PJ's message and maybe not been such a blubbering mess, but my love for our children, wherever they are, grows every day so I would not have liked to not miss them, if that makes any sense.

We spent the rest of the afternoon having a nice lunch with MIL and then we were off to small group.

We gave this necklace to both of our moms, and I have one too:

It serves as our Ebenezer. I love that word. Not only does it come from one of my top 5 favorite songs (when they don't change the words), but the word is rich in theology and significance.

Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

Gary Parrett writes in a Christianity Today article that I frequently think about,

This single word ushers the worshiper into both the biblical episode and the greater narrative of God's redemptive dealings with his people. It points us, also, to Robinson's dramatic conversion three years before he penned the hymn, inviting us to reflect upon our own stories and to remember God's faithful dealings with us. By removing the word from the hymn, we likely remove it from believers' vocabularies and from our treasury of spiritual resources.

(Robinson is the writer of the hymn, "Come Thou Fount.")

Our Snowflake necklace reminds me of God's faithfulness and protection in giving these children genetic parents who are choosing life for them, of His faithfulness in making His will for us in this regard clearly marked and well-protected, for His generosity of provision of people and resources to support and equip us, for His restoration of our hearts that were not so distantly overwhelmingly broken and darkened with grief, and for His renewal of hope as we dream of the family He has for us!

Today is a new day and hope, though still deferred, is renewed with the dawn. I'm still weary from yesterday, but just knowing it's behind us does wonders.

Our next homestudy visit is tomorrow. As of tomorrow night, we're also half-way done with our classes. The check list is whittling down!

Card

2008-05-08T14:51:00.003-07:00

When I met DH, I inherited an amazing set of grandparents who have treated me as family from the moment I met them.

I just went out to get the mail. There in the box was an envelope in my favorite color, addressed to me in Grandma's familiar handwriting. I saw it and my heart caught in my chest. I was almost afraid to open it.

As I opened the envelope, my heart swelled. Grandma had sent me a card titled "For the Mother-to-Be." I don't even have any words right now except to say that this card will forever live amongst my most precious cars and letters, tucked safely in to baby's hope chest, once I can bear to put it away.

Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa. I love you.

Mother's Day

2008-05-08T09:12:00.006-07:00

I've been refusing to think about the looming holiday all week.

We attend a very small church. I am the only adult woman (that I know of--there used to be another but I haven't seen her in a long time) who is not a mom or with child. Every year, they ask all the moms to stand up and be recognized. It's so humiliating to be the only one over the age of 25 still sitting, especially because I want so desperately to be standing. I feel conspicuous and ashamed. We were in California last year so I didn't have to go but this year we are home. Also without fail they do a hymn-sing where the congregation requests hymns to sing. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love hymns. I worship through them in a way that I just don't in contemporary music. The kicker? They do this hymn-sing only twice a year. On Mother's Day and on Father's Day. And only parents are invited to participate in requests on their respective days. Ouch. I just wish churches would don't things like that. I understand the point to honor mothers but I don't think that requires a big spectacle.

So I'm sort of dreading it. But I think I'll dread sitting home even more.

See I'm in sort of a quandry. This is the first year that there is any sort of real hope that maybe in the next year or so I'll join the standing crowd. On the other hand, it's also the first year we've ever had the solid "never" with regards to biological childbearing and I admit I still do mourn that loss sometimes. I struggle also with the fact that because there is such real hope, our children are so close, and we're still not with them yet. Yet I also feel a little sad that I'm mourning our infertility when I know they ARE out there so I have cause for rejoicing and hope. So it's a big mixed bag of conflicting emotions. I'm trying to not decide today how I'm going to feel then so that I don't get hung up on forcing myself to feel that if I don't. If I do ok, I do ok. If I don't, I don't.

It's also hard because both DH and I have wonderful mothers. We don't at all want to take away from honoring them so I feel almost ashamed of my heartache. Then we'll repeat the whole song and dance all over again with Father's Day. What a great dad my sweet DH will be.

So anyway, friends, we're praying for you and know you're praying for us. I imagine many of my readers out there are experiencing similar struggles. This isn't going to be an easy weekend for any of us, but we take comfort in knowing we are not far from the heart of God. I hope that comforts you! I know I'm clinging on to it for dear life!

If you are not in our boat, please take the time to remember your friends who have suffered from infertility, miscarriage, still birth, child death or failed adoptions and know that they are needing extra measures of God's tender mercies this day.

Totally Off Topic: Homemaking Tip!

2008-05-05T09:51:00.002-07:00

Oh! I forgot to share this tip that I've recently discovered.

A few years ago, our hand-me-down washing machine finally died and we purchased a new one. It worked fine for a while but then in the last couple of years we started getting what looked like oil stains on our clothes. We tried stain removers and various detergents to no avail. DH works on cars so we thought that maybe stuff was washing out of his clothes and redepositing on to other clothes. I started washing his work clothes in their own loads. That didn't fix the problem so we thought maybe residuals were getting stuck in nooks and crannies in the machine itself and coming out later. In the last several months, we've been getting both the oil spots and now, brown spots on our clothes. I'm pretty vigilant about cleaning out the washer and running loads of just vinegar but nothing seemed to be helping. We were close to thinking our washing machine had turned out to be a dud and were bumming out about having to consider purchasing yet another one.

I couldn't bring myself to part with all the otherwise excellent condition ruined clothes so I just put them in a pile in a hope that I could save them somehow if we ever had extra money to haul it all to the dry cleaners or if we found some miracle stain remover. Some of them were very nice and/or our favorite items so we were very disappointed to lose them, some after just one or two wears.

I did some googling to find out the possible causes and remedies to the problem. Much to my surprise, the "oil" spots are a frequent complaint about Downey Fabric Softener. In all our experimenting, we never changed fabric softeners because there are so very few scents that DH can tolerate so we found one that didn't bother him and we stuck with it. We didn't even choose it for the brand as we did the fragrance. So as we tried various detergents and stain removers, the one constant thing turned out to be the trouble maker all along.

I pulled out our fabric softener cup to wash it and get all residual softener out. Suddenly, the entire column of that cup came out (it had never come out before, though we'd tried) and we were grossed out to find that under the cup in the agitator, was a 1 or 2" thick build up old, caked up fabric softener that had turned--guess what? the same nasty shade of brown that had recently begun ruining our clothes!

We scraped and scraped and scrubbed and ran several loads of vinegar and eventually got it all out!

Further googling suggested that I use "Dawn" dish soap on the stains because it contains a powerful degreaser. So I found the least colored bottle I could (in this case a pale yellow one from their "Simple Pleasures" line) and rubbed it directly on the stains and let them set just a couple minutes. ALL of the stains came out in one or two loads (repeating adding the Dawn to the stain before the second load). In one particular case, the stain was 3 years old. It had happened on a blouse I really like after I got to wear it just 1 time. I had held on to it all this time, so disappointed that I just got to wear it once. I had tried many times to get it out so that stain was well set. 2 washes later, the stain is completely gone! So we now have a new wardrobe all over again with many many recovered items of clothing! Plus the Dawn did not discolor the clothes or leave spots lighter than the rest of the garments in place of the stains at all.

Now that I had my freshly saved clothes, I had to find a replacement for Downey. More googling brought back consistent results of the suggestion to use a 1/4 cup of vinegar in the wash, placing it in the fabric softener cup. I've always used vinegar to clean my washing machine, dishwasher and microwave but never thought about using it for my clothes. I've now tried it 10 or 12 times and have been so pleased. Vinegar gets the detergent out of clothes so much more effectively, they come out soft and refreshed and it's much less expensive (a gallon of vinegar is about $2) and better for the environment (no chemicals!). Plus, since I only use 1/4 cup, the clothes don't smell like vinegar. A couple times I've had the clothes come out a little static-y but I think that is fixed by dryer sheets.

I've switched for life! Our clothes, our budget and the environment are much happier! Thought I'd pass along the tip!

Gotta get back to work. A load of laundry is running, I've started the accounting and unpacking and shortly here I'll need to go do the grocery shopping as we ate down everything in the fridge before we left. Tomorrow I'm officially back open for business too so I have a long couple days of catch-up in front of me!

If you're just checking in, the post below this explains my absence! :)

Phew! Where to begin?

2008-05-05T00:04:00.005-07:00

Wow, I have so much to write about! Not even sure where to start.

I guess the thing that happened first since my last post is that we attended our second adoption class. We're excited with how they are going. The group is larger than usual, but is very dynamic and we have a lot of fun while learning a lot. I actually look forward to class.

We had our first homestudy visit. In it we scheduled all our remaining visits. If all goes as planned, the caseworker's visit to the house will be June 12th and that is the last visit. Assuming we have all our meetings and none are canceled or postponed, she expects to send in her report by the end of June. The sometime in July or August, we should be certified and then we can begin waiting for a match! That's so soon!

I'm starting to work on our family profile for the match book--scary but fun and exciting, too!

Last week was a whirlwind. We came home from adoption class Tuesday night and left very early Wednesday morning for Michigan to attend the Med school graduation and wedding of DH's best friend from high school (who was also our best man 5 years ago). It was a wonderful trip, which included a reunion with a friend who is a missionary in Germany, but every ounce of every day was full, between the bachelor party, the graduation, graduation party, wedding rehearsal, wedding, reception and as many extra moments of free time we could spend with the happy couple.

The wedding was Friday night. I've seriously never seen my husband cut a rug the way he did that night. I think I'm a combination of astonished, amused, tickled pink and frightened. He was the talk of the party that night and he continued to party throughout the next day.

On Saturday we were able to take a day trip (the couple was "busy" --gee, wonder why ;) ). I emailed our friends and gave them a list of cities I had heard were fun and to my surprise (and delight) they picked Holland, which is where DH and I vacationed last year. It was so nice to be there again. We went back to Windmill Island and froze our patoots off. It was too cold to wait in the line for the windmill tour, which I think they would have enjoyed, but the Island itself was fun and we had Dutch food for lunch. We stopped by the local Wa.lmart for some warmer clothes (we were FROZEN!) and much to our chagrin, Michiganders apparently think 40 degrees with high winds off the water and rain is summer weather because all we found were tank tops, bathing suits, capris and sun dresses. We did find a little cart with clearance hats, a few pair of mittens and some umbrellas. I found ONE long sleeved shirt on the clearance rack for me, and ONE for DH. I don't know how people live out there without becoming Eskimos. Seriously, Sara, clue me in!!!

Anyway, we went to the Veldeer Tulip Gardens again, which is quite possibly one of my top 5 favorite places to go. 6 million tulips are all planted in a dazzling display of God's beautiful handiwork in color, variety and texture. Plus inside they have a Delftware factory and make wooden shoes, which is fun too. We had a TON of fun! The boys were bored to tears with the flowers and suddenly relapsed in to their dancing ways of the night before and treated onlookers in the garden to a spontaneous comedy routine, leaving us all in stitches. The rain and cold kept us away from some of the other places we wanted to share with them but I definitely think we got to see the two best attractions there. We saw a movie that night (Ma.de of Ho.nor--not recommended!) and hit the jacuzzi before collapsing in to bed.

We snuck in one more breakfast and lunch with the bride and groom today (they don't leave on their honeymoon for 2 more weeks-don't worry!) and then it was off to the airport.

In an amusing set of events, the Governor of Arizona, Janet Napolitano (not-so-affectionately known as J-No, so dubbed for her extensive abuse of gubernatorial veto power) got on our plane in Chicago and flew home. Much as I was tempted to "accidentally" spill something on her, sit behind her and "accidentally" kick her chair 50 times, or sit next to her and hold her attention captive while I told her what a crummy job I think she does as Governor, I resisted (much to my friends' relief). She did get like half a brownie point for flying Sou.th.west instead of some swanky airline in first class, but that was quickly lost as I wondered what she might be doing in Illinois, considering she's the governor of Arizona. Given that she was surrounded by staffers (though not body guards/security detail), I doubt it was a personal trip, and given my knowledge of how enthusiastically she supports a certain Presidential Candidate whose home state happens to be Illinois, I can wager a pretty good guess about what she was doing there, which annoys me but (my tax dollars are not paying her to spend her time gallivanting around the country campaigning for someone else's job!!) but like I said, I WAS mildly impressed that she flew cattle car airlines like all the rest of us "little people."

We're home now, and exhausted from the combination of activity and the confusion of jet lag and multiple time zones. But it was a wonderful trip! I'll sign off with some pictures, all from Holland.

Homestudy Visit Recap

2008-04-25T15:46:00.003-07:00

Well our first visit went well! We covered genograms today, which are like family trees but focus on relationships and dynamics and not biology. So that was interesting. Todd and I didn't really think we really learned anything new (which is OK because I don't think that was the purpose) but we do think that it helped our caseworker get a better understanding of who we are which will ultimately make this process as relevant as it can be.

Our first class was fun. There are 8 other couples so it's a large group. The class is very dynamic and diverse. It's amazing to see how many different walks of life are brought together in a journey like this. We're looking forward to the rest of the classes. This first one was a lot of housekeeping and nuts and bolts, and an overview of adoption law, which unfortunately doesn't pertain to us, but I understand that the rest of the sessions are much more relational and educational about the true dynamics of adoption and I'm really excited about that.

I just got a google alert. I guess The Focus on the Family story came out today. I was surprised because she shared with me on the phone that she wasn't sure when it would come out so I wasn't even looking for it and didn't know it had been released until I just received that email. I actually just sent a quick update to some friends asking that they pray for the upcoming article!

They only used a small sound byte but that's okay. I don't care if I wouldn't have been included at all--as long as her article can help promote Embryo Adoption Awareness and save little lives, she could quote the man in the moon and that would be okay with me!

But if you're interested, the transcript is here. If you want to hear the actual sound clip, you can listen here. The EA story starts at 3:34 in to the broadcast.

We ask for your prayers for wisdom. We have some potentially exciting news and a big decision to make, but out of respect for the others involved, we'll refrain from posting the details here. We'd ask that you join us in praying for wisdom for all of the parties involved as a decision is made!

Quick Update

2008-04-25T00:35:00.002-07:00

Just scooting off to bed. Our first Homestudy Visit for our Embryo Adoption is tomorrow morning. (Diana made the good point that I need to fully type out the word occasionally in order to show up in google and since I want to raise awareness about Embryo Adoption / Snowflake Adoption, then I DO want to show up in google, so I need to type it out more often ;)

Anyway, our first visit is tomorrow morning. I'm scooting off to bed soon but I wanted to post this off topic info in case anyone is interested.

I'm purging a lot of my scrapbook stuff to free up space and funds so I'm having a huge scrapbook garage sale this Saturday.

Here is a link to the ad containing all the details in case any of you readers are local and interested!

I'll update more after the sale is over about our first class, the Homestudy Visit, etc.

Very cool!

2008-04-23T08:27:00.003-07:00

I've been contacted twice this week about doing an interview about our IF/EA experience! I was interviewed today by a lady from Focus on the Family! It was neat to get to tell a little part of our story and we're very grateful for the opportunity to share about God's goodness. I have yet to hear back from the lady from the other organization yet but I'm looking forward to it too. I'll be sure to share the article(s) when it/they come(s) out!

Tonight Tonight Tonight!

2008-04-22T11:25:00.003-07:00

I'm so excited. Our classes start tonight! Another couple in our church has taken the same classes from this organization and speaks very highly of the series. I'm really looking forward to learning more, and to meeting and interacting with other Adoptive Parents. Then our visit this Friday is exciting too! I was so bummed when I found out that our meeting would be a month after we turned in the paperwork but now that it's here it feels like the time has flown by!

All finished!

2008-04-19T18:46:00.005-07:00

I threw my best friend's baby shower today. I had a lot of fun in the actual party-planning process and the guests seemed to enjoy themselves (at least I hope they did!) In my former life I was an event planner, and I LOVED it, so this was a nice outlet for my otherwise largely-repressed skills and enjoyments.

But it's all over now, which means baby's coming soon!

Here are some pics from the day. Not very good photography, but I was rushed to take a few pictures as guests were arriving-no time for art (it takes me like 10 tries to get 1 good shot and that just wasn't happening today!)

First, my Edible Arrangement. I was tickled pink with how this turned out because I'd never attempted it before. People seemed to enjoy it. The fruit tasted good and I had a chocolate fountain next to it so people took a skewer and then dipped it in chocolate--yummy!

Half of the spread

These were the adorable cupcakes and cake. Sadly, I wish I could say I had this kind of talent, but I do not. They were made by the super fabulous Diana. I ask her for a cake, she says "they aren't my specialty, but sure" and she comes up with THIS! Isn't she amazing? I'd love to see what her "specialty" work looks like!

Then my blue punch! My Sister in Law sent me a recipe for some and I couldn't find the main ingredient anywhere, and I didn't like another main ingredient, so I scratched it and made my own. It actually turned out pretty well!

Our adoption stuff gets in to full swing this week. Our adoption education starts on Tuesday and our first Homestudy visit is this Friday.

Then on Saturday I'm doing a major garage sale to make room for baby.

A few days after that we leave for Jon's wedding in Michigan. Then we come home just in time for my mentor/dear friend C's son's wedding, which I'm doing a few things for. Then we leave for Michigan again, for my oldest friend's wedding.

We think we'll be able to breath come June! =)

TTFN!

Congratulations

2008-04-17T11:45:00.002-07:00

If you've watched my friend list ---> over there, you may have noticed that the number of asterisks beside the names continues to increase. When I first started blogging in December, I had almost no starry friends! Now I have lots. Happiest congratulations to all of you, my friends!

Sorry for the ho-hum posts the last couple days! I finally got some decent sleep last night and my perspective is definitely better. I get so weepy when I'm overly tired. However, though it hasn't been fun to feel crummy this week, I'm so grateful for the continued pruning and revelation God is doing in my soul and I appreciate the things I have learned this week!

God is good my friends. Even in the midst of heartache, we always have cause to rejoice!

To Everything there is a Season

2008-04-09T17:43:00.005-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

Grief, infertility and adoption can cause a sort of identity crisis in a woman.

I started down this journey as a starry-eyed bride, full of hopes and dreams about what was to be in our life, and I pontificated with all the earnestness afforded by innocent ignorance and lack of life experience, about wifery, marriage, and parenting. I couldn't wait to be that SUV-driving soccer mom with a car full of kids, and I thought it not only my Christian duty, but the duty of every Christian wife, to stay at home and raise kids for Jesus. Praise God that His glory is not hinged on our biology!

As we continued, I found myself in a job I loved, but always afraid to love it too much, because it was just an in-between place while we waited on God's timing. I found myself wholeheartedly believing that pregnancy would come in the right time, and thanking God that He gave me something else to enjoy in the mean time.

As time wore on and no baby came, I struggled with the notion that everything I had professed about faith and trust in God's timing was a Christianese facade. If I really believed those things, why did my heart ache so badly? I began to rail against the Christian culture that put the suburbian family with 2.4 children and a dog up on a pedestal as the "highest calling" and scorned those starry eyed lovers as "small minded" and limiting of God, despite the fact that I myself had been one of them and longed for that place of ignorance where one can just assume that bodies work correctly and babies come easily. I resented the Christian culture and then resented myself for resenting it. I felt betrayed by everything I had believed about God's plan for my life, by my friends and family who couldn't understand, and by my own dark heart.

I decided that it wasn't the starry-eyed lovers who were in the wrong. After all, God had seen fit to bless them with children while withholding them from me, so I must be the problem. I threw myself in to soul searching and prayer, thinking that if I could just uncover that rock and expose the cobwebs and spiders and put my God-slot machine coin in and say "here, Lord, I give it up!" and He would reward us with baby.

That didn't work either. I began to feel guilty and believe that my soul must be really dark and if I had worked so hard and still couldn't figure out what was disqualifying me from entering the Parenthood Party. I was consumed with guilt and shame and fear, dreading entering the courts of my God for lack of anything to give Him. I felt nervous in my own skin, unsure of how to fit in a culture that DOES praise motherhood. Gradually, I developed a spiritual hunch. I skulked in the shadows of the Temple, feeling more like a leper than a princess. I hid myself as best I could, offering what meager remnants of my broken spirit remained, and ashamed to keep company with those who walked upright and full of grace.

Slowly, it all turned to grief, as I really began to mourn all that had been lost. I'd lost a dream, I'd lost a sense of self, I'd lost my understanding of my place in God's kingdom, I lost my knowledge of my identity in Him, I lost the will to Hope, and to believe in God's loving kindness. I cried and cried and cried, and asked the questions I'd been to afraid to ask, and uprooted the bitter root that had taken foot in my soul.

I'd tried everything I could to fix the situation, and to make myself a better Christian for it, wanting desperately to prove that I could accept God's sovereignty in any situation, and yet it was only in my brokenness that He began to heal me. This shouldn't have come as a surprise to a life-long Christian, but it did. He began to teach me that I am not the bride, the bitter, the betrayed, the broken, or even the barren. I am Jennifer, daughter of the most High God. All of these things were a chapter in the story of my life that He has written for His glory.

I began to appreciate the chapters. Instead of skipping through them to get to a better one, I hung on every word. And carefully, slowly, exquisitely, He continued writing.

Now, as God has filled my heart with a new dream, and has begun a new chapter, I understand how much He has used the past to equip my heart for this new journey. I was and am all of those things and yet none of them. Before teaching me the role of mother, He has taught me the role of daughter!

Now in this new chapter, the canvas on top is blank, yet I can still see the layers underneath of works gone by. I find myself pausing when grief still catches me by surprise, and pausing when it doesn't. I am not a mom yet, but I am a mom in my heart. I no longer identify myself entirely as "Primary Infertility" and yet I still occasionally grapple with the fact that I will never have a biological child. And I've realized that this grief will always be a part of my story, because like all seasons, it has its time and place. God does not deal in selective amnesia (though how wonderful is it that He himself forgets our sins!) But sometimes it does feel a bit like he deals in schizophrenia. ;) Here I am, the barren and the mom-to-be, the grieved and the joyful, the full and the broken, all fearfully and wonderfully knit together in the same soul. The lover of my soul Has excited my passion in ways I have never known before, and has stilled my spirit with the knowledge that I was never out of His hand nor far from His heart.

How grateful I am for the marvelous ways He has done all of this to prepare my heart for this new journey and for the children that may one day result from it. I look back on who I was when we first longed for a baby, and who He has made to be now, and I am grateful that His plan is so much greater than ours. Anxious I am to meet our child, but God through this grief has brought me full circle and with my whole heart I say "yes, Lord, in Thy divine timing!"

EA Awareness Video

2008-04-08T13:18:00.003-07:00

A few more videos were released today.

I have to confess that these videos don't really resonate with me. I find them a tad too "cutesy" and cliche and even a little hokey. (I feel really guilty saying that because I have really developed a love for the organization that created them!)

BUT, I appreciate them for what they are as vehicles to raise EA Awareness. I think the videos are sincere and endearing in their efforts and I pray that they are successful in their venture to expand awareness.

So, without further ado, here is one of 3 newly released videos. It explains a little about where the embryos come from. We've been asked on occasion if the embryos are created for us. The answer is yes, and no. Yes, insofar as we believe that God has chosen specific embryos for us, but no, in that these embryos were not created by the lab and their genetic parents specifically for us. We didn't call up and say "we'd like 3 embryos please-get to working on it!" What we love about Embryo Adoption is that it is a life-saving measure for embryos (little lives!) that have already been created and would otherwise have little chance at survival.

God is Generous!

2008-04-08T01:31:00.004-07:00

Dearest friends and family!

We are so excited to share with you our prayers of Thanksgiving and song! God has been so merciful and generous to us. As of today, we have 100% of all of our adoption money! This includes the money for the Arizona Agency (already paid in full), the Home Improvements (everything purchased already is paid in full), Nightlight's fees, and the Frozen Embryo Transfer fees, as well as a discretionary fund for small expenses like Fed Exing documents (and the actual embryos!), court fees, etc.

I wish I could begin to tell the story of all the miraculous ways God has provided. I've tried to share some here but if I gave you the full details, we would be here for hours! The long and short of the story is that the methods have been so miraculous, so unexpected, and so improbable, that it is undeniable that the provision has been from the generous Hand of God alone. To Him alone be the glory and honor and praise! We sit at His feet, humbled again that He has lavished so much upon us, after giving us so much already! God indeed is unique in that even after giving His Son for the sins of the world, He has seen fit in this season to spill our cups over with His gifts of generosity, provision, and happiness!!

What this means for us is that as soon as the Court certifies our Homestudy, we can immediately turn it in to Nightlight (whereas before we were expecting a gap as we saved the remaining money) and then have our interview with them, at which time we'll enter the matching process. So, this does not hasten or change this current part of the process, but honestly, wrapping my head around everything He has already seen fit to give us is enough!

Thank you for rejoicing with us!!

Pool Fence!

2008-04-07T18:59:00.004-07:00

DH and my brother installed our pool fence this weekend! It went up so quickly! It's so neat to have something else checked off the list!

This was our yard when we bought the house. It looked this way until about a year ago, when we landscaped it.

This is the after. (Forgive the fact that we need to do a little edging/weeding! We've had other things on our minds ;) )

I'm so grateful that my brother has worked in construction and in landscaping. The combination of him and DH saved us a lot of money!

And way over in the far corner, we have a planter that has my Angel Face Rose Trees in it. My grandma had Angel Face Roses in her garden so I think of her when I see them.

My trees are COVERED in blooms. I must have 30 or 40 between the 3 plants!

Embryo Adoption Awareness

2008-04-07T18:52:00.003-07:00

The Nightlight Christian Adoptions and the Embryo Adoption Awareness Campaign have released some videos to raise Embryo Adoption Awareness. Please click the "Play" button in the middle of each video to watch it. Each video is about 2 minutes long.

Video 1: "Special Moments"
See pictures of many of the Snowflake children already born!

Video 2: "Embryos Become Babies"

Video 3: "Difficult Decisions"
Hear from a genetic family about their decision to place embryos through Embryo Adoption

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

2008-04-01T00:58:00.004-07:00

A Psalm for Thanksgiving.
Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth.
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the LORD Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations.
Psalm 100

We have so much joy in this journey, and at every turn we can see the Lord's loving kindness lavished upon us! We had major purchases to make at Lo.wes and Ho.me.De.pot for pool fencing supplies, as well as the supplies to fix the bathroom windows (also governed under pool fence laws since technically if we had an acrobat midget child, they could climb through the bathroom window and in to the pool). Also, the glass in the window in the baby's room is cracked and we've never before seen the need to fix it since the room (currently the guest room) is only used sporadically, but for if and when it's to be a nursery, we wanted it fixed. We decided to do it now while it's cool and my brother (a Mr. Fixit Wizard) has the time to help us. Since we're replacing that, we decided to replace the other two windows on the front of the house so that they were visually uniform.

All that to say, our pockets are much lighter tonight after those two trips! Last week we went on ebay and bought gift cards for both stores for about 90% of their face value. I guess people get them through those credit card reward programs and those point redemption programs. Other sellers receive them as gifts and don't want them and some get them when making merchandise returns. In all those scenarios, it works well for both the seller with the unwanted gift card and the buyer looking to save a bit.

We were nervous but did a lot of research in to the sellers and they all came with a long list of positive feedback for similar transactions. We thought about it a long time, prayed about it and made the purchases and held our breath! One of them also came with a 10% off coupon to the store, and we were able to find a coupon for 10% off to the other store. The Gift Cards came this weekend and we took them to the stores tonight. 100% of the gift cards and the coupons worked flawlessly! We were grateful for God's protection! We also got 1% in rebates back on the card purchases using a rebates program we have. Not much, but every little bit counts, right?

When we ordered the windows, the gentleman helping us was so friendly and knowledgeable. And it turns out that they were running a promo this week where Low-E (energy saver) was free! This was not a promo when we got the quotes 10 days ago, and was not published anywhere, so the prices were less than we expected! Plus the Low-E is a tax credit for next year!

I told him we had some other purchases to make but we only had one coupon so we wanted to check out all at once so I asked him if we should bring our other items to him or our windows order to the front. He said that he'd enter in the 10% discount on the windows in to the computer and then we could just call it up at the front at check out and then they'd confiscate the coupon there after applying it to the other items in our cart. We paid, used the gift cards and coupons successfully and went out to the truck. I sat in the truck while DH and the store employee loaded the back and I pulled out our windows order and the receipt to make sure everything had been called up correctly. I noticed at this time that the windows were priced at far less than 90% of the original quoted price. We did some number crunching and the best we could figure was that the Window Guy adjusted the prices 10% at his computer, and then when we checked out, they took another 10% off of everything, including the windows.

We went back inside and explained that we thought we'd received more of a discount than we were entitled to. The manager asked me to show him an example so I showed him the quote/contract, and our receipt and the math demonstrating a more than 10% difference between the two. We told him what we thought had happened, and he just said "It all looks fine to me! Have a good night!" So bam, right there, an unexpected significant discount, on top of the discount we'd received with the free Low-E!

It seems like at every turn, God is providing us with resources and blessings as we continue. Some may think it's silly to claim that what is likely a cashier-register error is the hand of God but we file it in our "God Sightings" experiences and utter prayers of gratitude for his Cosmic R.A.Ks (Random Acts of Kindness!) It takes on a particularly emphatic appearance when considered in light of all of the other ways He has consistently been ministering to us through both little and large moments! Each act alone excites our gratitude but when we consider everything together, we marvel.

We'd ask you to rejoice with us and praise God for His provision and generosity.

Switching gears a little bit...

We purchased a life insurance policy for DH last fall. We paid a long time ago and signed all the forms so we thought everything was in order. Today we got word that DH did not qualify for the Top-Best rating, but for the second best. This means that the policy is 50% more expensive than we thought. We're really not concerned about that--what worries us is the reason for the demotion in rating. They said that his bloodwork came back showing high cholesterol. He's never had a doctor tell him that, ever. In the general medical profession's defense, it's also been a very long time since he's had a full blood panel done, but in an otherwise healthy, young man, we just wouldn't have expected to need it (as opposed to me--I get full blood panels every year because of my medications). This blood panel was done before he was diagnosed with his condition and therefore before he was taking any medication other than occasional allergy medication so we can't attribute it to that. We don't think it's strictly dietary because mine has never even been remotely high and since I make most of our meals, most of the time we are eating the same things (though we do know bodies process things differently).

We're not sure if "high" means "2 points above the maximum for the top bracket" or if it means "really really high-danger Will Robinson." I also don't know if the policy increase amount is any indicator of the degree of elevation or if it would increase the same amount whether he was 2 points or 20 points too high. We'll go back to our doctor and ask for some answers, but needless to say we were surprised and a bit alarmed by the news. We'd sure love your prayers that we get some solid answers soon so we can get things under control and get him back to where he should be. Given the fact that he is otherwise healthy, and the fact that whatever this was only knocked him down 1 bracket, we're not terribly alarmed, but we were still concerned and I think we'll both feel better when we have some more information. Thank you!

We're grateful for the fact that we were clued in now because realistically, it could have been a while til he had a blood panel where they check for this type of thing. Again, God has lavished His kindness and generosity of information and timing on us! We are grateful!

We have a date!

2008-03-28T10:26:00.003-07:00

Our Caseworker called today to schedule our first homestudy meeting. It's set for April 25th, so just under a month from now. I'm trying not to be too anxious about it but fortunately, I have much to keep me busy between now and then!

Hurry Up and Wait

2008-03-25T12:00:00.002-07:00

I heard from our Caseworker today. She wasn't in on Friday when I dropped our packet off (actually no one was) so she wrote today to confirm she did receive it and it survived the weekend on the floor under the mail slot. She said it typically takes her supervisor 1 to 2 weeks to review the packet and then the supervisor passes it on to her. Unfortunately, our caseworker will be off for 2 weeks so she won't be there when the supervisor is done. So she returns on April 14th and will call us sometime that week to set up the first appointment. So we have a lot of hurry up and wait. I'm a little disappointed but I'm trying to be firm in my faith that any accelerations OR delays are to make sure we and our children are all ready for each other at the right time so I'm trying to appreciate this wait time.

Done, done, done!

2008-03-21T02:07:00.004-07:00

We've finished our packet! We have everything signed, dated, put in order and separated in to various envelopes. The checks are written and the necessary documentation for various things are attached. All 4 lengthy personality tests are done (which I forgot completely about when writing yesterday's post!) and all the personal questions are answered and we've proofread it 3 times! All that's left to do is stop at Staples to copy everything and then I'll deliver it to the office tomorrow! It's such a sense of satisfaction to have it done! I'm not sure if I'll sleep really well knowing we've completed another milestone, or if I'll be up all night with excitement! Either way, you're probably all sleeping soundly, and I'm off to attempt to join you in never-never land! Night!

Glenna asked if this is like a traditional homestudy and adoption process and how it differs from traditional adoption. Functionally, they are identical. We take the exact same adoption education classes as traditional adoptive parents, and actually, all of our classmates will be there for traditional adoption purposes. We undergo the exact same homestudy process that this Agency administers to traditional prospective adopters, with the exception of a few forms about our preferences about the child (race, age, gender, characteristics, needs, etc) since those things don't exist and/or aren't known at the embryonic stage. Our court certification will be exactly the same and actually, that will certify as legally eligible to adopt for any kind of adoption so we could in effect take that completed homestudy and do a traditional adoption.

The only thing that is different is the government's legal classification of the actual transfer of the Embryo. The government does not view this as an adoption because it does not grant personhood to preborn children, and things cannot be adopted. So we don't get the nifty tax credit, and we don't have to do any post-placement court hearings, termination of rights, waiting periods, finalizations, etc, or anything like that but until the point of the actual transfer, this is exactly like a traditional adoption. The only difference in that regard is that the Homestudy and Court Certification are an Agency requirement (by Nightlight, our placement agency), and not a legal requirement (again because of the way Embryos are legally classified).

Good question! I hope I did a sufficient job of answering it!

The End is in Sight!

2008-03-20T00:58:00.004-07:00

DH brought home the packet and had a lot of his part done. I finished my part and we finished the rest of the joint questions tonight. He has about a dozen fairly short questions left, which he'll work on tomorrow night. I've already finished the general forms. Then we'll read the whole thing together and hopefully I can drive it up and turn it in on Friday! Woohoo!

As soon as we turn it in, they review it and we start the homestudy. So I guess we could say "The Beginning is in Sight!"

OB Visit

2008-03-17T23:13:00.002-07:00

I went back to my OB today. It was scheduled to be a follow up to my ultrasound, but since they already told me the results over the phone, that was kind of resolved.

I took the opportunity to tell our OB about our EA plans, and I was hesitant because he is Catholic. The Catholic Church seems to be pretty split on the whole notion of EA because of their objections to the procedure that produces the embryos in the first place (IVF) and at our last meeting, we detected some negativity. We had had a bad few visits in a row and we were praying that things would either shape up or that we'd have success in finding a new OB with whom we felt comfortable.

Today the visit was awesome. It was just like all the visits we'd had before the last few, which made us love treating with him to begin with. He was very enthusiastic and supportive and is perfectly willing to work with a pregnancy after receiving clearance from the clinic. So, I'm excited and thankful.

No updates on the packet--been crazy busy with work. We're still hoping to finish it this weekend. My best friend is on Spring Break so I've been trying to spend a lot of time with her so I've done that in my free time instead of the packet. Hopefully when DH gets home tomorrow he'll have some of his part done and then we can work on the last joint sections together.

Hope you all are well!

Packet Update

2008-03-13T12:51:00.002-07:00

I promise, I DIDN'T set down to take on the packet as a challenge! I sat down to read it last night and we have a digital version of it so I pulled it up on DH's laptop, figuring I'd read it before drifting off to sleep. As I was reading through it I thought, "hey, that's an easy question, I'll just answer it now." Then I thought "well this one's only asking for our names and addresses--I can do that no problem." This went on and on until I had completed about 1/4 of the packet without even realizing it or setting out to do it. There are quite a few pages that don't apply to us because we don't have drugs/alcohol history, criminal history, other children or previous marriages, so there are whole pages of questions that we can skip. DH is taking his portion on his business trip but I think we can finish everything in the next week. I don't know what I was so worried about. I think the personality tests (180 questions and we each take it twice) will take longer than anything!

Caseworker Meeting Report

2008-03-12T15:26:00.003-07:00

Our case worker meeting is finished! I was surprised that I slept so well last night because normally this kind of important meeting leaves me with fitful sleep the night before but I managed to sleep well. I thought we were both doing well until we managed to forget DH's cell phone at the adoption agency and my day planner at the finger print agency! Guess we were subconsciously a little more preoccupied or stressed than I thought we were!

The meeting went well. It was a few hours long and consisted mainly of more interview questions of us about who we are, our personal testimonies, why we want to adopt, what we have to offer a child, etc, etc, etc. We are very thankful that the caseworker seems to have no biases or prejudices for or against any one form of adoption, so we detected no hint of displeasure at our choice for EA, which we were afraid of encountering.

She did give us our big packet and reviewed it briefly but I haven't really had a chance to look at it yet. Between the meeting this morning, going back to fetch the phone (we of course had to get all the way home before we discovered its absence!), then going to get fingerprinted, having lunch and then going back for my day planner, I'm really just getting home and I'll have a chance to review the documents. But from what I can tell basically what is entailed is 30 pages of detailed questions about us, various beliefs we hold about parenting, our faith stories, etc. We also have to take a personality test for ourselves and then answer it again for each other. We also have to pass a CPS check, a criminal background check and our fingerprints have to check out. We have to get physicals and submit 6 references. Once all the paperwork is turned in, we have our first of 4 remaining meetings with her. The meetings are 2 weeks apart, and the last one is the visit to the home. We were thankful to find out that the only thing we need to do is fence the pool and lock up DH's guns. We'll eventually want to do other babyproofing too but it's nice that we don't have to expend time and funds on it now, so far in advance. So, we really could be done with our part of things in the next 12-14 weeks! Once our caseworker submits things, it takes the court 3-6 weeks to approve things. Assuming they do, we would then be certified to adopt and could transfer our info to Nightlight to being the waiting process for matching.

It's so nice to feel like we really have a handle on what exactly is expected of us and what we can hope to expect for the immediate future. I am surprised at how much I must have been stressing about this because just like our meeting with the doctor last week, I came away from it utterly and completely exhausted. Adrenaline is a powerful fuel source!

I'm excited to tackle a lot of this paperwork, especially because DH will be away on business so I'll have lots of extra hours alone. Thank you for your prayers. We think that this will be a really good fit and we're looking forward to working with her.

Thoughts

2008-03-11T23:46:00.003-07:00

This really is an odd place to be. I'm in a Women's Bible Study on Tuesday nights. Tonight was week 5. For the last 4 weeks, we've spent the entire post-Bible study chat time talking about pregnancy, child bearing and parenting. It's a 7 woman Bible study. I and a college student are the only women in the group who do not have children (including my friend who is pregnant). So we (the college student and I) participate when we can with nervous humor anecdotes from babysitting and friends kids, but mostly we just sit there staring at the floor and occasionally each other. It's glaringly obvious that we have virtually nothing to add to that conversation and I just feel conspicuous and weird. Even if we didn't struggle with infertility, I still find a little off putting that the persistent conversation is a topic in which only some of the very small group can participate. I feel equally annoyed when the topic turns to husbands, because the group again includes that same single college student, as well as a very recent widow. I can't help but feel uncomfortable for them.

Tonight I had the worst time of it. I think some of it was "good grief, here we go again" but then I found myself equally frustrated at myself. If I participate in the conversation I feel like a fraud because that isn't our world yet, and it still may never be. We continue to tell ourselves that there is value in this journey because it is what God has designed for us. It is valuable now and its value is not contingent on whether or not we get a child at the end of it. So we're not counting on things going "our way." We're just being obedient and following one step at a time, trusting that it is Good, whatever the outcome will be.

On the other hand, if I feel uncomfortable or sad, I feel ungrateful for and insincere in my enthusiasm about the opportunity we have been given in our EA. I found myself very frustrated at this fight between my emotions.

Eventually I was tired of arguing with myself and I excused myself to the bathroom, collected my thoughts, returned to get my things, and left. 6 months ago the exact same scenario would have sent me to tears. I'm grateful that I'm not at that point anymore. But I guess I still find myself sensitive to heavily saturated exposure to the topic. Though we're grateful for this journey, it still hurts that we have to work so hard and that our wait has been long for something that others come by so easily. I guess those kind of conversations, at such a frequent and prolonged interval, just remind me of that. I feel uncomfortable, and then I feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable. CS Lewis said something like "Grief is unpredictable. It never stays where you put it." I guess that's what I'm dealing with because I was surprised to be caught by grief, when I have so much joy for our journey. I don't think I'll ever be "cured" of my grief. A lot of it is resolved, but some of it is not and I think that's ok. But I guess I feel like the world expects me to be "over it" now that God have given us this new dream so I am hesitant to share my heart with anyone, save you, dear readers!

I guess at the end of the day I don't think it's completely unreasonable to think that 7 women should be able to find something else in common to talk about. I don't want to pretend like pregnancy, childbearing and children don't exist, but I guess this journey has made me painfully aware of my surroundings and of those awkward moments when you glance around the room and wonder if the topic at hand is making someone uncomfortable. Maybe I'm hypersensitive. I don't intend to say anything to the group, but like I said, the internal struggle between my emotions is frustrating. Have other IF "graduates" experienced and dealt with this? Have any tips? It's not like I don't want it to never come up, but I do think that every week for nearly the entire visit is an excessive amount of time to visit about any one subject that doesn't include the whole group, especially since our group is very small so finding commonality in Christ shouldn't be hard.

I also recognize that Satan can do a number on my heart and that in a blossoming small group built on the Lord is exactly when I should expect an attack, so I don't want to give this an undue position in my heart and I want to call a spade a spade, if it is indeed a spade. But I also want to be responsible with navigating my emotions and being obedient to the Spirit in dealing with the cobwebs and spiders that escape as He overturns the rocks in my heart.

Our meeting with the caseworker is tomorrow! I am excited! Hopefully we'll come home tomorrow with a much clearer understanding of what lies ahead of us, procedurally. We'll update tomorrow! In the mean time, thanks for thinking of us and for joining us in prayer!

We're home

2008-03-10T11:10:00.004-07:00

We had a free night in a hotel and some Christmas money so we decided to take a mini vacation and go to Tucson. Todd hadn't been since his adolescence, and I had never been at all. We visited a state park, the Botanical Gardens, the only Titan II Missile Silo that wasn't destroyed, Tombstone and Kartchner Caverns, one of the best preserved living caves in the world. We had great fun! We got glimpses of the outside of the mission and the airplane boneyard too, but the mission had some meeting going on and the boneyard isn't open on weekends so we've put those on our list for next time. All in all it was a great time to be together and a nice break, especially for DH, who'd had a particularly stressful several weeks at work.

If anyone is interested, my pictures are here. I didn't take a ton because I didn't want to be behind the camera the entire time but I did get some.

I have a long article (45 pages!) that I'm reading and want to review so hopefully that will be done soon.

Hello new friends!

2008-03-07T18:55:00.002-07:00

Hello readers from Nightlight and Snowflake Family Readers from the Yahoo group! Megan shared with me today that our blog is on your radar so we wanted to say hello! Please feel free to chat with us here on the blog. One day we'll be able to chat with you in the yahoo group once we submit our Nightlight application. But in the mean time, howdy! I think what you all have done and are doing is fantastic and we are excited to one day, God willing, be able to join your ranks!

Off Topic

2008-03-07T15:06:00.005-07:00

Allow me an off topic indulgence for a minute. Earlier this week, Brett Favre, my second favorite player on my very favorite Football team, retired.

Thanks, Brett. We already miss you!

Book Review: Embryo Donation and Embryo Adoption, Loving Choices for Christians

2008-03-06T15:53:00.006-07:00

Embryo Donation and Embryo Adoption, Loving Choices for Christians, by John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter, is a book with a noble purpose. It aspires to educate readers on both sides of the Embryo Adoption process--the processes involved for both the Genetic and Adopting Parents. I was excited to discover such a recently written book on the subject, and purchased it earlier this year.

However, as a tool for anyone who has more than a cursory knowledge of the process, this book is unhelpful.

First, the book is not at all scholarly. While the conversational tone and simplistic writing make it easy to read, it results in underdeveloped logic and assertions. Almost nothing is cited, and they offer strong opinion statements about about anonymous donation and about the level of openness in adoptions without any depth, substantiation or development. It is irresponsible to make blanket statements about the morality or Christian-ness (or lack thereof) of certain choices if one is not going to take the time to logically outline and support those statements. Where they do offer explanation, I found the logical arguments to be weak. For example, in their case for open adoption, they offer that it will be satisfying to the adoptive parents to know "Maybe that explains why he enjoys hunting while I have never owned a gun." I have never met anyone who thought gun ownership was hereditary and frankly, that example doesn't even make logical sense. There may be good reasons for open adoption, and there may be good comforts to the adoptive parents, but this is not one of them. And since they only presented two examples for how open adoption benefits the adoptive parents, and the other example was almost as weak, I would have preferred they leave the subject closed altogether because it was wholly insufficient to offer any useful examination of the topic.

Further reinforcing my impression of the nonacademic nature of this book was the casual, inconsistent, and almost lazy way sources in their "research" list were offered. I try hard not to fault a book for not being something it wasn't intended to be, and I realize this was not designed to be a lengthy treatise (the book is only 50 pages), but in this case, a more responsible, researched and detailed explanation was the only way to properly handle this subject from the beginning.

Second, it is very evident that the authors have very little personal knowledge of or experience with Embryo Adoption. I found their summation of why couples might choose Embryo Adoption (over traditional adoption) to be superficial at best, which indicated to me that they spent little time trying to understand the hearts of Embryo Adoption Parents. It is true that I have some of the reasons they mentioned as my own reasons for pursuing Embryo Adoption, but as soon as I read their explanation of those reasons, I was frustrated with their obviously underdeveloped or non-existent understanding of the actual thoughts of people who have truly been there. This was solidified by the fact that there are virtually no interviews with or references to real families who have adopted embryos. The only reference to real people is a short anecdote about a Genetic family and even that is too brief to be useful. This book would have been stronger if written by someone with first hand knowledge of the process, be it a donating parent, adoptive parent or employee/volunteer specifically of an organization's Embryo program.

Third, the book focuses almost exclusively on Bethany Christian Services. While I think what Bethany does is admirable, they have only been publicly active in the Embryo Adoption world since 2005, and so are most definitely not the experts, nor do they have the historical foundation to offer much depth of perspective. If one endeavors to write a "primer" on something, one should consult the experts, or at the very least, multiple sources. This wouldn't have even troubled me as much as it does were it not for the glaring evidence that they did not even attempt to understand the programs of other organizations, including the pioneer of Embryo Adoption, Nightlight Christian Adoption Agency. This was communicated through subtle nuances such as referring to the "Snowflakes Organization" (no such entity exists), their claim that some organizations such as Nightlight, "will accept a traditional-adoption homestudy for their embryo adoption program," (which is contrasted with the fact that Nightlight requires a traditional homestudy), the fact that their outline of the Embryo Adoption Process for Adoptive Parents describes only Bethany's process and the fact that their index in the back describes Bethany in depth and Nightlight in just 5 sentences, three of which are exact duplicates of Nightlight's own description of its statistics, easily available on their website and with no direct interpersonal contact with Nightlight required. I really doubt that these authors communicated at all with anyone from Nightlight, which I think is a gross oversight considering the fact that not only did Nightlight pioneer the concept of Embryo Adoption, they have been facilitating these adoptions for 11 years, and have had hundreds of successful placements and births in that time wherein Bethany's number can realistically be no higher than the dozens, given the youth of their program.

Toward the end of the book, they even admit their bias for Bethany (page 42) which in my opinion is completely inappropriate in a book presented as a neutral primer. I would really not have purchased the book had I known it was a case for Bethany in disguise, not because I dislike Bethany, but because we have already decided on Nightlight and in fact, Bethany does not even exist in my state.

However, even AS a case for Bethany's Embryo Adoption Program, I still find the book to be largely useless. Bethany's own website has a much more thorough explanation of their process, and consulting it is free, whereas this book is $13.

Additionally, this book is written exclusively for the adult members of the adoption triad. Thus, the book is also not terribly useful as a primer for third parties such as friends, family or pastors of donating or adopting families or even activists wishing to educate themselves on the options available in their area of interest be it science, adoption awareness or pro-life campaigning.

It should also be noted that this book promotes Embryo Adoption (Homestudy, Court Certification, Matching, etc) exclusively. The reference to "Embryo Donation" in the title refers exclusively to the act of donating done by the Genetic parents, and not to the anonymous/semi-anonymous Embryo Donation process that is offered by many fertility clinics.

My suggestion for anyone considering Embryo Adoption or Donation would be to consult resources such as google searches, the Embryo Adoption Awareness Campaign, ASRM and Hannah's Prayer Infertility Ministries. Consult facilitation programs directly (the big three are Nightlight Christian Adoption Agency in California, Bethany Christian Services based in Michigan, and the National Embryo Donation Center) and request information about their specific processes and requirements. From that information, choose a program and proceed with contact with them. This book is neither generic enough to be a useful introduction or primer for the completely uninformed, or detailed enough to offer new or robust information to anyone who has done even a little bit of research already.

Doctor Update

2008-03-05T22:29:00.004-07:00

Hi everyone,
Thanks for praying for our appointment with the new clinic. It went "ok," I guess. I've been trying to think about my reaction. I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't thrilled either. I think what I've determined is the finite nature of embryology is so difficult for me to understand, even with much effort, that I'm responding to that and not to any specific complaints about the interpersonal reaction or the communication. The meeting was informative and the doctor was very nice. I didn't "click" with him but again, I think that's because the nature of the subject was so difficult for me that I was concentrating really hard on that and not on the overall interaction. I learned enough about embryology today to make my head spin for several days! I wish we could get our hands on the nifty book he was walking us through so I could read and re-read it but alas, it's an out of print medical journal and "real book" alternatives are too pricey to interest me. Oh well, I'm sure there's a huge amount of information online and I just need to do some searching.

One huge praise was that he didn't "push" anything. He told us what our options were because he said he didn't want us to have made the decision for EA because we assumed we didn't have other choices but as soon as he presented them and we affirmed that we are doing EA even with the knowledge of our other options, he dropped it. It wasn't pushy at all and we thanked him for respecting our decision. I was really thankful for that answer to prayer because I would hate to be in a position of having to "fight" with our doctor. We're not threatened by questions and I don't mind if people don't agree but it's a little different story when your doctor has issues with your choices.

DH seemed really happy with him. And like I said, he is nice enough. I had no specific complaints.

Another praise is that he confirmed that we shouldn't need anything in addition to the infectious disease screening, the Mock Transfer and SonoHSG, and the actual Frozen Embryo standpoint, so that's nice from a financial perspective because insurance covers nothing, and in some women's cases, they've had to do additional procedures, medications and tests. Things can always change of course, but he said so far, everything looks ok! I did forget to ask him about Monday's "discovery" but I still have an appointment with the referring doctor so I'll just ask him.

Other than that, nothing new to report!

Adoption Agency Meeting!

2008-03-03T15:01:00.004-07:00

Woohoo! We received our Case Worker Assignment and I got the chance to visit with her for a little while today over the phone. She sounds really nice and enthusiastic about her job.

We have a first meeting with her next week and then she'll give us all the paperwork we need to complete. She said it's extensive paperwork and she's seen a couple complete in as short of a time as 2 weeks but the average is a couple of months. Taking a deep breath and pacing myself here... I can be a little obsessive over a project so I can easily see myself sitting down and not getting up until it's done! After all that paperwork is done, then the Homestudy itself actually begins.

We're excited to meet her and start the process!

Also, I had my ultrasound today to follow up to the one in December that revealed that I had a new cyst, as large as the one I had removed surgically a couple years ago. This morning's ultrasound revealed that the new cyst is now completely gone and no others have grown in its place on either side! I'm so thankful! The tech did tell me about something else about my internal construction that is abnormal that I didn't know about (she thought I knew already which is why she commented on it). I don't think it's troublesome but it is abnormal. Once she realized I didn't know about it already she couldn't tell me anymore but I'll ask the clinic this Wednesday and my own doctor who ordered the U/S to begin with about it . I don't think it is anything to be worried about. I'll definitely be praying to that end, if you want to join me. But I am thrilled at the dissolution of the cyst because it means I don't need another surgery and avoid the risk of new scar tissue. Praise God!

She gave me a disk of my images to take to the new doctor since there won't be time to do an official transfer before our meeting with him. Out of curiosity I stuck the CD in to look at the images. I've determined that Ultrasound Techs and Radiologists have superhero vision that enables them to make meaning out of what looks to me like a bunch of gray nothingness. It seriously fascinates me how they can look and say "this is that" and such. So while it was cool to look at the CD I've resigned myself that in this particular element of my care, I have absolutely nothing to bring to the table because as far as I'm concerned, those images could just as easily have depicted a basketball or an alien and I would have been none the wiser.

Hearts Full of Praise

2008-02-29T13:02:00.003-07:00

I had coffee with my dear friend C today. She's one of those people who you're a better person for knowing and it always spurs me on so much to get to steal some time with her! So my heart is full from that.

We were marveling together at some of the recent changes in both of our lives and she said "Sometimes I feel like I'm living someone else's life." I think that's the perfect way to describe how I've felt as we've marveled at God's handiwork in this process.

I've shared a few times that I can just see evidence of God preparing us for this our whole lives but I thought I'd expand on that a little bit.

I have no relationship with my biological father and the only one I ever had at any point was strained, infrequent and awkward. He and my mom divorced when I was very young so the only memories I even have of them married are very unpleasant. He was abusive to my mom and thoroughly uninterested in being a parent so though we lived close enough for him to be active in our lives, it was never convenient for him and he invested very little. I had sporadic contact with him whenever I initiated it. Shortly after DH and I married, he sent me a horrible letter full of awful things and I have since terminated all contact with him. I did telephone him in the fall when my brother was in the fire because he and my brother do have some semblance of relationship but that has been the extent of our communication for years.

On the contrary, my mom married a wonderful man when I was 9 who is my dad. He has always been a parent to me, though he was never biologically or legally obligated to be one. He gave me away at my wedding and in my heart, he is my dad, and I have as full of a heart for him as I can imagine I would have if we shared the same bloodline.

What I learned from an early age though was that biology had very little to do with one's capacity for or willingness to love. I had one father who didn't love me though I was his flesh and blood, and another who loves me selflessly though we have as much genetically in common with each other as two strangers.

Because of the example my dad set for me, adoption has always been very natural and normal to me. (Though I'm not legally adopted, I functionally am).

DH's extended family has many adoptions in it so though we've never talked at length about it, he has been exposed to adoption as "normal" from a young age, too.

When DH and I decided to get married and we were talking through our family dreams and goals, we always included adoption in our plans, before we had any inkling of infertility. We thought we'd have biological children too but adoption is no surprise for us. Our University is located in close proximity to the Snowflake Program's home and we were in college about the time the first babies were being born so we heard a lot about the program through the media that covered the geographic region that encompassed both the University and the Snowflake Program. So Snowflake became a part of our dialog and mental catalog, too.

A few years ago, my sister in law and her husband adopted the sweetest, cutest little firecracker from China that you ever would know. I know that did so much to grow our family (specifically, DH's parents, siblings, spouses, kids and us) in terms of what the family unit looks like and who is included in that. Seeing the warm reception to our niece has quieted a lot of my fears about how family would accept our little Snowflakes and I am forever grateful for the trail that T&E have already blazed. It also gives me immense comfort to know that our little ones will have such great cousins, including one who knows what it's like to be an adopted child. I pray all the time that they will come to be great friends and sources of encouragement for each other!

At the time they were happening, I didn't really realize how much work was being done in our hearts to prepare us for this. But now that it has been revealed to us that this has been the plan all along, we can look back and say "ah ha" with satisfied and grateful appreciation. They just confirm so much to us.

That evidence of God's handiwork continues even now that we know far more than we did before. I guess I sort of think God could have stopped there and that would have been far more than we deserved. But He continues to lavish upon us tangible blessings to affirm that we are pursuing the course He has for us. Some of our praises today include

•That our taxes are done and filed after much time and labor!

•That for the first time, we're receiving both a state and Federal refund (both very unexpected and in fact we had saved up money in anticipation of owing).

•Last night a dear friend from church gave us a very significant financial gift. She said, "[She] and God talked and [they] decided to give us this to help with the Embryo Adoption." I was so humbled. She was so matter-of-fact and unpretentious about it. DH and I have both been working hard to make some sacrifices in our lifestyle, work more, spend less and reprioritize things and we're doing what we can to do what we think God is asking of us in this but we really haven't been stressed about when and where the money will come from and we haven't asked or planned to ask for help from anyone. We are just completely confident in God's provision. We just have 100% peace that we will earn, save, and/or otherwise receive the money in the right timing so it hasn't been a source of worry for us at all. So her gift to us was completely spontaneous, unsolicited, genuine and God-led. And more than the amount itself, it means so much to DH and I that the money came from her specifically because she holds such a special place in our hearts and we are eager for our children to know her.

•DH and I come from pretty different backgrounds when it comes to money. In the past we've had a hard time coming up with budget, investment and expenditure plans that we're both comfortable with. God has blessed us with 100% unity in our hearts as we decide how to progress with how and what to spend on various expenses, gifts, investments and savings. That has been such a treat and affirmation for us. We worked on our taxes, budget and cash flow projections last night and for the first time, it was fun! We delighted in the unity and peace God had given us as we discussed things that have historically been points of contention for us.

• After reviewing everything last night, including all of our expenses, income, and projected extras of both, we have enough resources to pay off entirely the little bit of outstanding debt we have and which we've been working hard to eliminate, give some gifts we've both been anxious to give, make some investment and savings contributions we'd been wanting to make, and pay for our homestudy, adoption education and home improvements in their entirety!

I am eager to talk to our case worker about scheduling the first meeting and learn about the next steps. I did call the agency to confirm that they had received our application and they had, and they have already sent out our Pastor's Reference form. The Agency said we should be assigned to a Case Worker next week and we should get to talk then! I am excited!

So kind of like C shared, I feel like we're living someone else's life. This is all coming together so perfectly that I feel like I have to pinch myself and wake myself up. I don't doubt God's goodness or ability to lavish so generously, but we are certainly undeserving of Him choosing us to give so generously to, so we are continually humbled and awestruck.

Thank you for rejoicing with us!

Can't Hardly Contain Myself

2008-02-28T18:06:00.001-07:00

I have been working on our taxes for the last 24 hours and I want to gouge my eyes out! Seriously, I can't understand why some people (coughcough*DH*) voluntarily do this stuff and on occasion even think it's fun! I told DH he was gipped. Someone cheated and told him the wrong definition of "fun." Anyway! The end result is that we're getting a tax refund this year. We usually owe since we're both self employed. But a variety of circumstances this year resulted in a nice refund. That, plus a few other things that we have on the very near horizon mean that we could proceed with the Homestudy and the Nightlight Portion of the Process (the most expensive part) very soon!

I'm still protecting my heart by estimating on the high end of costs, timelines, and wait times, but it's just sinking in that this is really happening! I talked to the Nightlight Coordinator yesterday and gave her my estimated time line and she seemed to think it longer than necessary or customary, so that was cool! It's just been so awesome, amazing, humbling, exciting, baffling, quieting, affirming and WONDERFUL to see the way God has been working through this. Sometimes I think He obscures His ways from us for a variety of reasons to draw us to seek Him further but this time it's as if He's flung the curtain wide open and allowing us to see so much!

I've got to get back to the accounting nonsense but as I was wading through all our documents and came upon some of these discoveries, I found myself so excited that I could just scream. But that would scare the dog. And hurt my throat. So I'm posting instead! And the thought of all I have to do to get our house ready overwhelms me a bit but it's an exciting kind of panic-not a stressful kind. Eeeeek!

Weird Dreams

2008-02-27T12:27:00.002-07:00

They say when you're pregnant, you have really weird dreams. I don't know if I'm having pregnancy-anticipation dreams or sympathy dreams for my best friend or what but I had the strangest dream last night. It was one of those dreams where I knew I was dreaming so I woke myself up but every time I drifted back off to sleep, the same dream continued.

Somehow, DH and I ended up the parents of twins. The dream started with us being at home with the twins the first day. I have no idea how they came to be with us, but it must have been in such a way that we didn't know they were coming (like a sudden adoption or something) because we had NOTHING for them. DH had gone to work the next day (It apparently wasn't relevant where we all slept) and I realize that I have no formula and since I hadn't given birth to them I couldn't nurse them and I had no carseats to be able to take them with me to the store. I call DH to come home and stay with them while I go out and buy a few essentials but somehow my mom from California makes it to our house before he does (his work is 5 miles away). So mom volunteers to babysit, and I go off to Target.

I guess midway through Target, I decide I'd have more luck at Babies R Us. I show up there and my best friend, who really IS pregnant and who spends much time there is waiting there for me as my own personal tour guide. In the dream, I have no idea how she comes to know to be there but she is. I say that I'm hoping for a baby shower so I just want to buy a few necessities-the carseats, some clothes, some diapers and some formula and bottles. Amazingly she has become an expert on newborn bottles and proceeds in to a lengthy explanation of bottle size, shape and volume. It was really very interesting. And weird that it was so prevalent in my dream.

Anyway, as we're going to check out, I spy something else that I must have: blue 3T sized sleepers with footies and rabbit ears (think Easter bunny), and Halloween Costume Finger Puppets. (I told you, my dreams are really strange!) I discuss with my bff why the children HAVE to have these things now and I check out. I think I leave her in charge of registering for me for a baby shower at church and I leave.

I get back home and am caring for the children. My mom leaves to return to California but doesn't get far before she gets stuck in a massive traffic line. Somehow I could see the line though I wasn't with her. It was a line like the line of cars at the Mexico border of people trying to reenter the country. People are out of their cars talking, milling around and interacting with street vendors. My mom somehow connects with someone selling baby blanket making materials. Mom decides she has to have them and turns around to come back and make the blanket. But it's not a typical blanket. What she has is a giant sheet of some kind of tracing paper that's also fabric, and a metal template with a 3D design and she's proceeding to lay the paper over the template and then rub it with a pencil to make the design from the template come through on the blanket. The template isn't big enough for the paper/fabric, so we're arguing about how to place it so the design is centered (it never occurs to either of us that tracing paper and pencil does not make an ACTUAL baby blanket), and then I woke up for the last time.

I hope you've had a hardy giggle at my expense. I have no idea what provoked such thoughts. The couple we had lunch with on Sunday has twins. Another snowflake family had a sudden traditional adoption placement last week (like they found out the day before that they were getting their daughter). Last night before bed I was working on my best friend' baby shower invitations and browsing her Babies R Us registry (though it contains neither 3 year old Easter Bunny pajamas or finger puppets) and last week a lady in our Tuesday night Bible study shared that her daughter was driving up from the orphanage where she works in Mexico and the visit was going to be short so they were hoping she wouldn't have to wait long in the border crossing line. Somehow all of that stuff converged in to this weird crazy dream. What is hilarious is that I don't even think about stuff like that when I'm awake so I had no idea it was hanging out in my subconscious!

Official Start!

2008-02-26T11:47:00.002-07:00

We finished our application to the Arizona Adoption Agency last night and mailed it in today with our first (albeit small) financial commitment. So, we have officially begun!

The next step is that they will assign a social worker to us and we will have an initial meeting with her. We also have to get fingerprinted and pass various background checks. We're clearly not stressed about passing the background checks but it just takes time.

So woot! We're excited!

This is going to be a long wait!

2008-02-22T16:33:00.002-07:00

I'm just amazed at how much has happened in just a few short weeks. We've told our family and friends and have received such warm congratulations. Nightlight put us in touch with 4 other Snowflake families in Arizona, one of which who has been exceptionally generous with their time and kindness and has really helped as we think about these new and foreign concepts and dynamics. Their input has been so helpful in quelling some of my fears and "unknowns."

I just can't even explain the transformation in my heart and mind that has occurred in such a short time. When we realized IF was going to be a part of our lives several years ago, I suspended really dealing with it on a deep level because I always expected that the end result would be God "fixing" it and giving us a quiver full of biological children. I never really considered that the answer was "no." In my head it was always "not right now." I guess I felt entitled to God fixing it my way, though I didn't really realize it or consciously do it. I made false assumptions that set my heart up for disappointment and pain.

When we got our diagnosis in November, I fell apart. I cried buckets. I raised my fist to God. I asked questions of myself and God that I'd never been brave enough to ask before. Though DH and I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt (and even filed EA away in our "maybe someday" file), I still mourned the loss of biological children spontaneously and naturally conceived.

Since then, my walk with God has changed so much. It took on a new tone of honesty and vulnerability that I'd never before had. And slowly, but surely, he began to answer some of our questions, and reveal to me how much he has already prepared us for this journey. He has been so generous in providing us with so many answers because in reality, we're not really entitled to any.

He's even softened my heart toward the idea of a more open than not relationship with the genetic parents and he's quelled my fears about our children ever wanting their "other parents" more than us.

The end result is that I can't WAIT to meet our children. They have filled my heart so much that it seems hard to imagine that they ever weren't there. And I mean specifically snowflake children not just children in general. These children have taken on an identity and aren't just some metaphysical concept of what's to come.

As God has shown us that this was never His "Plan B" for us, it's almost as if He's retroactively worked in my heart to where I can't even remember what it was like to NOT long for them. It's so hard to explain. It's like this love for them is so natural to me that it doesn't seem imaginable that at one time my heart was full for completely different children (the biological children). I wish I could explain it. I know I'm doing a lousy job.

But I think about them all the time. I wonder where they are. I hope they're being taken well care of by whatever clinic they're in. I wonder how many of them there are. I pray for them all the time. I dream about introducing them to their grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins for the first time and about them immediately welcoming them in to the family. I wonder about the children's Genetic Parents and how their hearts are doing with the prospect of parting with them and I breath such prayers and sighs of gratitude for their selflessness in being willing to give them life.

They children (for some reason I always think about them in the plural, which is odd), anyway, they're just such a part of my internal dialogue all the time now. And I don't have one ounce of worry about whether or not we'll be able to afford it, or whether or not anyone would ever choose us, or whether or not the embryos would successfully implant. I just have a peace I've never had before about anything. My natural tendency is to be a worry-wort so I know it is the work of Christ to still that in me.

The only negative to all of that is that it makes me anxious for them! I lie awake at night thinking about them. Sometimes I can't sleep because I can't stop my thoughts about them. My heart swells so much. They're not thoughts of worry or "to do" lists. They're hopes and dreams and prayers and love.

A part of me feels like I'm stealing something. We've not even *technically* begun this process. We haven't given any agency an application or any money. Hopefully that will all come very soon! But I guess I think others might think I'm jumping the gun. But even about the timing and the money I have peace that though those are barriers for us in the immediate, they're God's stop gaps on the process to make sure things happen in the right time and that we're ready for the right children at the right time. So I guess for one of the first times in my life, I don't even care what other people think about our right to celebrate this. From a people pleaser by nature, that's big!

DH said something so sweet. He said "Can you imagine how loved these children will be? Their genetic parents loved them enough to do the right thing and give them the chance for life, and we will love them as our own." Some kids don't even get one parent who loves them selflessly. God willing, ours will have 4. That's warmed my heart so much!

I'm babbling. I guess I just wanted to share the fullness of our hearts. I hate that they're still so far away from us, but I am excited that we could meet him/her/them as soon as a couple years from now!

Book Review: Infertility, Finding God's Peace in the Journey

2008-02-22T15:07:00.003-07:00

I have a new favorite IF book!

Back in November, I went in to our local Berean bookstore, looking for one of the few pretty standard Christian Infertility Books (Hannah's Hope, The IF Companion, and a couple others are pretty "big"). I was annoyed to discover that Berean had only one book in the entire store on infertility (and for a moment, the store associate thought it was in the Parenting section. I was glad to find it in the "Women's Health" section instead). Anyway, I bought the book, stuffed it in my purse, and went on to meet a friend. When I got home, I logged on to Amazon and ordered those more "common" books and shoved this one to the back of my ever-growing pile. After all, I'd never heard of the book or the author, and had never seen it mentioned in any of my IF circles. I knew that it was recommended by Greg Smalley, and H. Norm Wright so I figured it couldn't be bad, but I still wasn't enthused about reading it.

All those other books were great and I appreciate what I learned from them. I read through all of them and was left with just a couple more obscure titles, including this one. When I darted over to California earlier in the month, I tossed this book in my bag figuring it would give me something to do on the plane.

I started reading it and it wasn't long before I was hooked!

Infertility: Finding God's Peace in the Journey by Lois Flowers is a practical, Biblical guide book of the journey of Infertility, written for the IF Patients. As the author tells her story, she challenges the reader at every step with Biblical truths and logical challenges to the traps we often willingly fall victim to in our IF journeys that would seek to steal our joy and attention from God. She maintains a delicate balance of bold truth, and compassionate earnestness.

I've tried for a while to figure out why I like this book so much more than other books because really, what she says is not so profound that it's vastly different from other Christian books on the subject. I think I prefer this book because I appreciate the author's tone and approach. While other IF books are very warm and almost personal, they appeal to the heart. They give me a sense of sitting and chatting over coffee, hugging and crying along the way. Those are wonderful elements of those books but for that reason, I never completely identified with them. I've done my share of crying no doubt, but at the end of the day I need help logically processing through everything. I think that's why I blog. It helps me to outline my thoughts and not just stew in them.

This book appeals to the head and mind of the IF patient, which is much easier for me to identify with. I dogeared tons of pages that contain content I've read before framed differently, but in this context the concepts reached out and grabbed me like they hadn't before in other mediums. My mind was challenged at every step, which in turn trained my heart. The author never allows the reader to just sit and stew in her own melancholy thoughts. She confronts prejudices, false entitlements and pity parties with the truth of God expressed with all the compassion of someone who knows the pain of this journey.

My favorite part of the book is when she quotes the Horse and His Boy by CS Lewis. Those of you who know me know of my soft spot for Lewis but the Horse and His Boy is a book I hadn't cracked since adolescence so I've forgotten much. In an exchange between Aslan and a main character, the boy is asking the "Whys" of Aslan's workings in both his own life and that of a friend. Aslan answers:

Child...I am telling you your own story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.

Wow! Over and over I turned that in my head. In November I remember lamenting to my best friend that while I was overjoyed for her pregnancy (and I am!) I couldn't help but think that there must be some cosmic checklist that they accomplished and we didn't for God to decide that natural childbearing was a part of their story and not ours. In my head, there had to be some discriminating factor. I still saw infertility as incompleteness. As a blessing withheld. Childbearing was something they somehow deserved and we didn't, for reasons unbeknownst to any of us. That passage by Lewis and Ms. Flowers' excellent correspondence of it to the infertility journey continues to challenge me even now.

My other favorite part of the book is when the author is addressing the grief IF women often feel in modern Christendom, when motherhood is so magnified, and sometimes too much so. The IF woman is left feeling like the world thinks her life is "less blessed" or "less purposeful" and sometimes, she thinks those things about herself. The author writes:

I agree that children are wonderful blessings. If they were not, infertility wouldn't be nearly as hard as it is. I also understand why people with children might count them among the greatest blessings in their lives. But to suggest that people without children (married or not) are somehow missing out on the ultimate blessing is both narrow-minded and unbliblcal. The Scriptures (especially Psalms and Proverbs) list dozens of other sources of God's blessing. And nearly all of these have to do with a person's heart and relationship with God and others, rather than her ability to reproduce her own genetic material.

For example, you are blessed when you refrain from walking in the "counsel of the wicked" or standing "in the way of sinners" or sitting "in the seat of mockers" (Psalm 1:1). You're blessed when you delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on it around the clock (Psalm 1:2). You are blessed if your "transgressions are forgiven" and your "sins are covered" (Psalm 32:1). You're blessed when you take refuge in the Lord (Psalm 34:8), when you make the Lord your trust (Psalm 40:4), when you have regard for all the weak (Psalm 41:1), when you learn to acclaim the Lord and walk in His presence (Psalm 89:15), when you seek Him with all your heart (Psalm 119:2), when you maintain justice, and when you "constantly do what is right" (Psalm 106:3).

You're blessed when you are kind to the needy (Proverbs 14:21), when you are generous to the poor (Proverbs 22:9), when you are faithful (Proverbs 28:20), when you honor the Sabbath (Isaiah 56:3), when you are disciplined by God (Psalm 94:12), when you find wisdom (Proverbs 3:13), when you serve others (John 13:11-17), when you fear the Lord continually (Proverbs 28:14), when you read the book of Revelation and take its message to heart (Revelation 1:3-4) and when you actively watch for the return of Jesus Christ (Revelation 16:14-15).

The author goes on to share the beatitudes as well and finally concludes:

Notice that this passage says nothing about having children. Like most of the blessings delineated in the Old Testament, all the blessings here are a direct result of Christlike behavior, not of familial relationships.

God may not have blessed you with biological children yet. And He may never choose to do so. But regardless of whether you ever have a successful pregnancy, you have many other wonderful opportunities to receive His blessing, most of which can have eternal impact. In the meantime, you can either bemoan the fact that you're missing out on the blessing of children (either temporarily or permanently), or you can actively seek out ways to grow in purity and godliness, serve others and develop wisdom.

What a wonderful, exhaustive list of God's goodness and mercies! As a long term Christian, I knew all of these things, and I also know that I do not exist so that God may bless me, but that doesn't mean that I have always stopped my heart from wallowing in what I was bound to "miss out" on! This passage was such a challenge to me and I hope that it would be a challenge to our church culture too.

I really love this book. I want to find the author and hug her guts out. The book does have an appendix for family and friends of infertile people, as well as a resource for pastors, and those are well and good too, but this book was just so instrumental in shedding light on lies in my heart, in encouraging me in places where I felt a bit on shakey ground, and in challenging me to really appreciate this journey of IF.

I recommend it with my whole heart! Praise God for the "inconvenience" of Berean having only one book on the shelf. I am confident that it was so I would read this book that I otherwise would not have touched and I am so grateful for the gift it has been. I hope it will encourage you all likewise!

Thank you!

2008-02-19T22:31:00.002-07:00

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive as we've started this process! I've been so pleasantly surprised at the amount of enthusiastic support and congratulatory wishes we've received. Someone asked me tonight if we had any new news and we don't but it was so nice to just be asked. I don't know how to explain it but I just feel like I'm actually able to participate again in circles that for so long I just felt like an observer or imposter in. It's just so...surreal, I guess. Like I shared before, I don't really know what I was expecting in the way of a response but it definitely wasn't this wonderful. So, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you!

Just a clarification, our other new website is just a webpage, not a blog. I'm not doing any blogging there-all of my blogging will stay here. The other site is just a consolidation of data--sans all the thoughts and journaling I do here. Trust me, if anything exciting happens in our EA journey, I'll be sure to post it here! :)